Friday, October 30, 2009 ~ 9:16 PM
my sweetest mistake.
I HATE BEING STUCK IN THE MIDDLE.
i hate my parents so so much.
it's so irritating when they argue and my mom will always let out all her frustrations about daddy on me.
everytime she's angry at him, i'm the one who gets yelled at.
THEY KEEP ASKING ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM.
there are times that i just want to run away.
go to some faraway place and take on a new name.
marry some guy and just be known as someone else completely.
*sigh*
but then again, life ain't as easy as that.
gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i seriously want to not bother about all this arguement but i'm the type of person who cannot stop thinking about this kind of thing.
afterall, my future depends on the person i'd live with.
IF I STAYED WITH MOMMY, MY LIFE WILL BE A LIVING HELL.
IF I STAYED WITH DADDY, MY LIFE WILL BE A BORING LIVING HELL.
somebody give me another option.
i don't want to choose...
truth be told i don't even think i have any choices to choose from.
my life, in a nutshell, is gonna be so f-ed up no matter whom i stay with.
*sigh*
the highlight of my day is I CLEANED MY ROOM!
yay for me~!
totally discarded my bed frame and decided to just put the mattress on the floor.
less space consuming and less areas for dirt to accumulate on.
WOO!
watched the golf game on tv.
hoped that i'd see dear there *coz he was watching*
unfortunately i got bored so i flipped to the next channel.
haha. blame my lack of interest in a rich man's sport.
hmm... slept late last night, around 4.30 i think, in hopes that my phone will ring with a ringtone i want to hear.
it didn't.
so blah blah blah.
today wasn't bad but it wasn't a red letter day too.
ONCE AGAIN, I'M STUCK IN BETWEEN.
shoutout: I'D WALK A THOUSAND MILES IF I COULD JUST SEE YOU TONIGHT.
~ 12:09 AM
my sweetest mistake.
*sigh*
looked about people's pictures in profiles.
it pained me so so much to see all my cousins celebrating their 18th birthday with such a bang.
i'm not saying i didn't enjoy my birthday this year because i did but I LOOKED FORWARD TO HAVING MY DEBUTANT BALL ALL MY LIFE.
ever since i was young i fantasized dancing with 18 guys, giving me 18 roses.
nobody knows how happy i was when dear gave me 18 roses for my birthday.
i fantasized wearing a breath-taking dress.
I FANTASIZED PEOPLE CELEBRATING MY DAY WITH ME.
instead i had people come over my house JUST TO PLAY CARDS WITH MY BROTHER.
it sounds so materialistic but i just feel like all the things i've looked forward to all my life are being shattered.
DEBUTANT BALL, PROM NIGHT, WEDDING.
2 out of 3 is gone.
I TOLD MY AUNT THAT IF MY WEDDING WAS A FLOP, I'D KILL MYSELF BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE CAN GO ON.
*sigh*
who was i kidding trying to fool myself into believing that i wasn't bothered by it.
blah,
IT SOUNDS MATERIALISTIC BUT FOR 18 YEARS, ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT WAS ME.
what can i do?
Thursday, October 29, 2009 ~ 11:29 PM
my sweetest mistake.
CAN'T GET BIG BANG SONGS OUT OF MY HEAD.
it's official.
I AM INSANE.
and shockingly enough, I ADMIT IT.
i stayed up all night waiting for him to call.
any logical person would fall asleep at around 2+++ but not me.
talked to jordy on msn till 3+++ then he fell asleep.
watched Speedy Scandal but stopped even before it could begin.
stared at nowhere, seemingly re-evaluating my life.
then bathed and went to ica with mom and jj.
ate breakfast, went home and slept for a bit.
woke up feeling so groggy and for some reason, i ended up in pasir ris park.
DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT THERE, I JUST WAS.
so walked around and saw the sunset for the first time.
whispered a few curses as i passed by DOZENS OF COUPLES SNOGGING EACH OTHER while i walked around pasir ris park by myself.
called ma and told her i'd be home late then she said take care.
so walked around more then talked to eric on the phone.
so after walking around so much, I SWEAR, I PRACTICALLY FROZE MYSELF FROM SITTING AT THE BEACH WHEN IT'S FREAKING COLD.
then finally went home.
i'm pooped but i don't think i can get a good night's sleep again.
shoutout: I'M NOT CRAZY. THIS IS JUST ME, IN A SERIOUS WAY.
~ 2:10 AM
my sweetest mistake.
it's 2+++ in the morning.
i can't sleep.
i don't want to sleep.
too many things in my mind.
i want to see dear.
THIS IS SEPARATION ANXIETY TO THE EXTREMES.
shoutout: IF YOU ARE THE MOON AND I AM THE NIGHT, WILL THE LIGHT BE DRAWN TO YOUR RADIANCE OR LURED INTO MY DARKNESS?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 ~ 11:22 PM
my sweetest mistake.
TODAY IS NOT MY DAY.
i woke up this morning with a terrible headache.
MY EYES WERE SO PUFFY FROM LAST NIGHT.
then i tripped on NOTHING and fell face-down onto the floor.
then HE called and said he can't come tomorrow coz of some golf thing.
then after a few minutes, he called again and said he can come.
then in school, i had so much trouble trying to do one question in my maths paper.
THEN! after my paper, i wanted to go to the fourth floor to get some of my stuff but the stairs were locked!
THEN WHEN I WENT HOME! i couldn't find my keys so i had to keep knocking on the door till my bro WHO WAS ASLEEP opened it.
THEN I FIND OUT THAT I NEED TO GO TO ICA TOMORROW FOR SOME PR-THINGY HENCE I CAN'T SEE DEAR TOMORROW!
then i told him and he seemed so nonchalant about it.
i was soooo pissed off, i seriously cried.
what can i do? i cry when i'm really really angry.
and to top it all of, WHEN I WAS MAKING DINNER, I ACCIDENTALLY CUT MY HAND!
so irritating.
i don't know how close i am from going nuts.
shoutout: F*** THIS DAY. あなた だけ が 居ない
Sunday, October 25, 2009 ~ 6:44 PM
my sweetest mistake.
some quiz my friend tagged me. quite fun.
Promise not to lie or erase any of these questions?
- SURE.
If you married the last person that texted you what would your last name be?
- TAN.
Do you know anyone named Molly?
- nope...
What smiley face do you use often?
- XD
Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough?
- hahahah... just last night
Who's texted you in the past 24 hours?
- VARIETY OF PEOPLE~!
Who were you with Saturday night?
- people. xDDD
What is bothering you?
- my mom ate one of the cookies I made for dear.
What's your favorite kind of ice cream?
- the sweet kind. xDD
Are any of your friends taller than you?
- *sigh* ALL OF THEM ARE.
Spell your name without an L.
- J-E-M-I-M-A-H
Do you like hugs?
-sure~! but it depends on who's giving it.
What are you listening to right now?
- Pieces by Red
Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
- hehehe. D.
When was the last time you were told you were cute?
- hmmm... THURSDAY.
Does anyone know your password besides you?
- yeah... hoping he forgets.
Feel like talking to someone you haven't in a while?
- depends on who.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
- hmmm. my mom.
Did you sleep alone last night?
- i always sleep alone
Has anyone ever sang to you?
- hahaha... YUPYUP! AND I LOVED IT.
Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
-yup. my ex.
How was your weekend?
- so so.
Are you a mean person?
- at times.
Will you be up before seven am tomorrow?
- NOPE! my exams start at 1.
What is something you disliked about your day?
- my mom eating my dear's cookies.
Do you want your tongue pierced?
- hell no.
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
- nope.
How late did you stay up last night?
- hmmm. not so late. tired.
What color are your underwear?
- CONFIDENTIAL~!
Which would be more meaningful to you: I love you a lot or I love you so much?
- I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH
Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or longer?
- sure, if the guy's up to it then so am i.
When you're home alone do you still close the door when you shower?
- of course. who knows when people will start coming home.
Can you remember the last time you really liked someone?
- sure. NOW.
Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
- there are times.
Your bf / gf leaves you for someone else, you do what?
- I JUMP.
Your ex wants to go back out, you do what?
- nothing. he wants to go out then go out. HE NEVER ASKED ME.
Do you ride roller coasters?
- when i have the chance.
Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
- HOPING.
What were you doing at 10 last night?
- sleeping i think?
What were you doing at 5am this morning?
- sleeping still.
Were you in a good mood last night?
- sure!
When did you take the last picture you took?
- yesterday.
Would you ever dye your hair red?
- highlights sure. entirely, NO WAY.
What are you doing for valentines day?
- not sure. but i'm hoping i'll be doing something.
Do you consider yourself a study freak?
- MOST DEFINITELY NOT.
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
- sure.
Was your last kiss drunk or sober?
- SOBER.
Ever go camping?
- i want to, no opportunity to.
What happened at 3:00pm today?
- i watched MADE OF HONOUR.
Saturday, October 24, 2009 ~ 9:37 PM
my sweetest mistake.
ohhh... just came back from tita odie's house.
I BAKED COOKIES~!!!
who would've thought i knew how to bake?
the funny thing was i was about to sms eric to ask him if he wanted some cookies when he suddenly smsed me saying that he wanted to disturb me!
OHHH. COOL COINCIDENCE.
baked alot... gonna bake more on thursday probably.
mom and ben loved it.
jj hated it, but then again he hates everything.
hoohoo.
so yeah, gonna give some to eric, kor, and dear on monday.
super cool.
well yup, that's all.
HOPING THAT DEAR WILL CALL TONIGHT.
he didn't call last night and i seriously had a horrible time trying to fall asleep.
AS MUCH AS I WANTED TO SLEEP, I JUST COULDN'T.
shoutout: YAY COOKIES~!
~ 10:29 AM
my sweetest mistake.
wee...
IN 2 DAYS I'LL BE HAVING MY O'S.
*sigh* technically it started on thursday coz i had my practical.
THIS WEEK WAS AWESOME.
MONDAY: dear came to my house.
SO YAY~!!!
yup, we spent our usual couple time together... SLEEPING.
we slept so much that i had to wake up coz i was tired of sleeping.
TUESDAY: went to school for my lessons with Mr Anwar.
it was for an hour only but decided to stay abit longer to study.
then dear bought me chicken rice. hohoho. CUTE.
WEDNESDAY: didn't do much. studied, watched tv. BLAH.
THURSDAY: went to school for my science practical.
IT WAS TOTALLY DO-ABLE.
then stayed in school till 2.
at first, me and guannie were complaining about how we'll last until 2. (our practical ended at 9.30, hence the dilemma)
but we eventually found things to do.
then afterwards, met up with dear and we went to my house.
i changed and then we left to go to the movies. YAY!
our second date. hehehe. NO SERIOUSLY. IT'S THE SECOND.
so yeah, we watched IMAGINE THAT.
it was nice being able to spend some one-on-one time with him...
HAHA... LOVE YAH D!
FRIDAY: rest day rest day...
watched 2 days 1 night.
SERIOUSLY ENJOY SEEING KANG HODONG. he reminds me so much of dear.
he was so funny when he said, " DAEPUNG, DADDY'S GONNA BRING THIS (figs) TO YOU! THIS IS DAEPUNG'S!!"
hehehe. HIS WIFE IS DAMN PRETTY YA KNOW!!!
come to think of it, SOORO'S WIFE IS ALSO PRETTY.
weird pairings.
anyway yeah.
hoping that the joy shall last till the end of my papers.
shoutout: ALWAYS AND ALWAYS.
Monday, October 19, 2009 ~ 12:42 AM
my sweetest mistake.
THIS IS HOW IT FEELS LIKE KNOWING THAT YOU'RE DETERIORATING WITHOUT ANY NOTICE:
your legs feel like jelly and the bottom of your stomach freezes fast.
the allergic reaction i had this morning seems to have gone from bad to worse.
it's not the usual rash breakout like always.
i can't breathe much as well as i can't move much hence i'm bedridden now.
my heart aches terribly and i find myself staring into space even more than usual.
i always find myself breaking out into tears everytime i try to fall asleep.
MAYBE JORDY WAS RIGHT TO SAY I'M MENTALLY UNSTABLE.
*sigh*
shoutout: MAYBE I'M DYING
Sunday, October 18, 2009 ~ 4:48 PM
my sweetest mistake.
WE'RE BACK TO THE WAY WE WERE BACK THEN.
you suddenly stop smsing me...
*sigh*
but it's ok...
i'm the one in the wrong.
at least this time i know what's wrong.
*sigh*
I KEEP LOOKING AT YOUR PHOTOS BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN SEE YOU SMILING BACK AT ME.
it's sounds so drama-mama but i don't want to lie anymore.
i don't want to keep putting on a front that i'm happy when all i want to do is just close my eyes and not be able to see anything.
maybe then my heart will stop.
BUT THEN AGAIN IT'S ALL JUST WISHFUL THINKING.
I'M SORRY...
although it may sound so half-hearted.
i really am sorry...
this morning i has this terrible allergic reaction when i ate some nuts.
i seriously thought i was gonna die knowing how bad my reactions go.
then i thought, "IF I DIED, WOULD I BE FORGIVEN?"
turns out i won't...
hahaha... i can just see the pure irony in it.
shoutout: I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING THE WAY I AM.
Saturday, October 17, 2009 ~ 7:42 PM
my sweetest mistake.
i want to apologize for being so touchy-feely this morning.
my head wasn't really in the right state this morning.
i'll blame it on hormonal imbalance, lack of sleep and lack of food.
haven't been eating much these days.
*sigh*
seriously feel like apologizing to dear.
SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU.
SORRY FOR BEING SO IRRITABLE THESE PAST FEW DAYS.
I'M SORRY...
*sigh*
i do hope he'll be able to see this so he'll know how sorry i am...
IT SUCKS NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK.
it sucks feeling this way...
i hate being so bitter when we're so far away from each other.
i hate it when i sound so cold to him everytime i talk to him on the phone when all i want to do is tell him how much i love him.
i'm really really sorry...
i feel so horrible knowing that i felt this way...
I HATE THE WAY I ONLY THINK ABOUT MYSELF.
how i want everything I WANT to be given to me...
i'm really sorry.
shoutout: I AM... I REALLY AM...
Friday, October 16, 2009 ~ 4:13 PM
my sweetest mistake.
I DIE A BIT EVERY TIME WE SAY GOODBYE.
*sigh*
well currently having consultation till the start of my o's which is like in less than 2 weeks.
in a nutshell, I BASICALLY HAVE NO NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL TILL MY O'S UNLESS I HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.
super bored.
i read every now and then but i just can't seem to focus so i feel like there's no point trying to study if nothing is actually penetrating into my brain.
*sigh*
stayed up all night waiting for his phone call so didn't really have much shut eye.
honestly, i refuse to sleep in the afternoon or i'll have problems later at night.
*sigh*
I CAN SEE MYSELF CHANGING INTO SOMEONE I'M NOT.
what's there left to say?
being not soooo sensitive is truly hard work for someone like me.
PLASTERING A SMILE TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF IT DOES NOT HURT.
*sigh*
smiling hurts alot.... very tiring.
shoutout: THE LIES BEHIND THIS SMILE.
Sunday, October 11, 2009 ~ 10:30 PM
my sweetest mistake.
yay i've got no school tomorrow!
not too sure why i'm happy but as long as it means i won't have to wake up early, it's a yay from me.
yesterday was uber fun!
went to suntec city mall convention centre for the annual CANON PHOTOMARATHON!
so it was me, holly and jarah.
SUPER SUPER FUN!
honestly speaking, it was seriously tiring but the experience of partaking in it is simply breathtaking.
OK! brief synopsis of what occured:
we are given three themes at different times for the day: TOGETHERNESS, MOTION, ENERGY.
we are given at least a three-hour limit to take the photo we think depicts the theme and upload our best photo.
so yeahhhh. basically that's it.
the tiring part is that you have to walk all over the place with ALL your belongings, lunch is not provided so you have to make do of what you have, and it was raining in the morning so yeah...
for the motion theme, i decided to take a photo of birds flying.
I WAS SERIOUSLY KILLING MYSELF WITH THAT DECISION.
i was standing on the wet ledge to take the photo of pigeons when it suddenly flew and i turned and slipped to the pavement due to the subsided rain.
lol. i told dear about it and he said, "YOU'RE NATURALLY CLUMSY ONE!"
quite true ah but still....
anyway so yeah.
met alot of people there.
FINALLY GOT TO KNOW WHO THE HELL WAS FAIZ, AZLI AND SAW REMUS AGAIN.
this time i talked to these hongkah sec boys. mainly azli and remus.
it was quite fun.
then somewhere around the end of the day, benson, saufi, and danah came to have dinner with us then they joined us for the awarding ceremony.
ME AND DANAH WERE SCREAMING FOR EVERY WINNER EVEN THOUGH WE DIDN'T KNOW THEM.
the emcee was like, "EH BROTHER, YOU BROUGHT YOUR FAN CLUB ISIT?"
then saufi took a photo with KEN WATANABE'S poster (not too sure why i put his name is caps).
he wanted it to be sooooo perfect so i had to take it 6 times!!!
*sigh* renamed him "SAUFI WANA-BE"
truly a very fun day.
jordy kept me company the whole day by replying to all my messages to him.
hahaha.
love my kor man!!
shoutout: I WON'T SAY GOODBYE.
Friday, October 9, 2009 ~ 9:24 PM
my sweetest mistake.
DAMN. I CAN'T GET THAT STUPID OBAMA SONG OUT OF MY HEAD.
lol.
well nothing much happened today.
after school watched shaun, jordy, azhar, de wei and kwang chung play soccer.
super funny.
DE WEI: (to kwang chung) EH!!! YOU HOLD THE BALL WITH YOUR HAND LAH NOT LIKE THAT YOU LOOK LIKE CHICKEN!!
hahaha... here's another one.
SHAUN: (to kwang chung) eh why you everytime never do header ah?
KC: scared lah. brain damage.
DE WEI: EH YOU STUPID OR WHAT?! KC YOU ALSO NOT THAT SMART SO NEVERMIND LAH!!!
seriously laughed my ass off...
ANOTHER ONE!!
SHAUN: (putting his hand in one of the beams) EH NABEI!!! GOT SO MANY ANTS LAH!! BLOODY HELL! FUCK YOU ANTS! (spits at it) WHO ASK YOU TO BITE ME?! (spits again)
soooooo funny!
I HUGGED ERN TODAY AND HE HUGGED ME BACK!!!
soo happy... i miss my ern.
then went to pizza hut with jordy, dewei, and azhar.
also damn hilarious.
then blah went home and sang my heart out... hahahaha.
so yeahhh...
tomorrow i'll be out of the house the whole day...
yeahahahahahaha.
shoutout: THIS IS THE PART WHERE THE END STARTS.
Monday, October 5, 2009 ~ 4:34 PM
my sweetest mistake.
it's never easy to let go of the past.
*sigh*
well currently having o-level intensive till the 14th.
sian.
hhmmm. what did i do today?
i just basically talked to eric all the way.
quite fun. we made up stupid words.
link + creativity= LINKITIVITY!
stupid + dumb= DUPID!
fucking + idiot= FUCKIOT!
lol.
just random things that random people like eric and i do.
gawd.
i've finally found some cheering up strategies in any location.
if i'm at home and i feel really down, i'd watch family outing nonstop until i feel better.
if i'm in school and i feel upset over the shit that has been happening, i look at jin hyeok and he does things to make me laugh.
if i'm in church, i play with the babies.
if i'm outside (like some mall or whatnot), i buy my chunky monkey ice cream. (it's expensive so after eating it, it makes me feel down so i'll buy another cheaper ice cream)
yup yup yup.
oh yeah, BTW... i permed my hair.
it's quite nice actually.
i am unbelievable happy with the results
even ben said my hair looks nice.
so HAHAHA! i look hot. ><
*sigh*
i am in serious need of some relaxation from this strenuous yet mundane routine in which my life seem to be revolving in.
shoutout: ALL I HEAR IS HER.
