i'm kind of tired of having to smile at people when i just want to kill myself sometimes....
it's not that i'm being emo or anything...
my guess is that i've just given up altogether...
i've given up on my studies...
i've given up on my family...
i've given up on love...
i've accepted the fact that nothing good will happen in my life...
if ever something good happens, it gets written out by all the pain i've experienced...
my parents are not in really good terms right now...
they've given up on me as well...
everybody expects me to understand everything that's happening in my family...
everybody keeps putting on a smile and says "it's ok. you should understand because you're the most responsible among the children." or "don't worry. there's always a silver lining to everything"
damn... why can't they see that i'm hurting and that i don't need to hear those words of 'comfort' or whatever shit.
i just want to be able to see that something good is going to happen in my life...
everybody expects so much of me.
they expect me to understand, to carry on with my life and act like it's not breaking me apart.
they expect me to raise my family's name higher than it already is even when i'm stuck in this situation.
and then if i don't meet their expectations, they throw me aside as if i'm some rag that they can use and dispose of.
it's ironic really. they tell me "you can do it!! we'll always be there for you!"
but when that time of need comes, they'd all make excuses as to why they were never there for me.
they might as well just hold a sign on their head that says, "I'LL SUPPORT YOU IF IT BENEFITS ME"
*sigh* then there are also people who tell me, "this is God's way of testing your faith" or "don't worry... God will help and provide"
sorry but i've already lost hope.
if ever He wanted to help then why not now?
can't He see that my life is falling apart??
i know that it's just too pathetic of me to feel all this rage and sadness...
but that's just it..
with all this rage and sadness i begin to feel . EMPTY.
just hollow and alone.
maybe, just maybe... if i was just able to see the light or a door or something that tells me that something good is going to happen, then maybe i'd look forward to the future and try to smile...
like REALLY smile...
i don't want to always be so hypocritical anymore...
*sigh* maybe i just need to go talk this over with somebody....
shoutout of the day: WHOEVER SAID THAT LIFE AIN'T ALL THAT BAD, GO SOAK YOUR HEAD IN THE TOILET.
