Humanimal. =]

Sunday, September 28, 2008 ~ 9:40 PM

my sweetest mistake.

i'm beginning to lose hope on everything...

i'm kind of tired of having to smile at people when i just want to kill myself sometimes....

it's not that i'm being emo or anything...

my guess is that i've just given up altogether...

i've given up on my studies...

i've given up on my family...

i've given up on love...

i've accepted the fact that nothing good will happen in my life...

if ever something good happens, it gets written out by all the pain i've experienced...

my parents are not in really good terms right now...

they've given up on me as well...

everybody expects me to understand everything that's happening in my family...

everybody keeps putting on a smile and says "it's ok. you should understand because you're the most responsible among the children." or "don't worry. there's always a silver lining to everything"

damn... why can't they see that i'm hurting and that i don't need to hear those words of 'comfort' or whatever shit.

i just want to be able to see that something good is going to happen in my life...

everybody expects so much of me.

they expect me to understand, to carry on with my life and act like it's not breaking me apart.

they expect me to raise my family's name higher than it already is even when i'm stuck in this situation.

and then if i don't meet their expectations, they throw me aside as if i'm some rag that they can use and dispose of.

it's ironic really. they tell me "you can do it!! we'll always be there for you!"

but when that time of need comes, they'd all make excuses as to why they were never there for me.

they might as well just hold a sign on their head that says, "I'LL SUPPORT YOU IF IT BENEFITS ME"

*sigh* then there are also people who tell me, "this is God's way of testing your faith" or "don't worry... God will help and provide"

sorry but i've already lost hope.

if ever He wanted to help then why not now?

can't He see that my life is falling apart??

i know that it's just too pathetic of me to feel all this rage and sadness...

but that's just it..

with all this rage and sadness i begin to feel . EMPTY.

just hollow and alone.

maybe, just maybe... if i was just able to see the light or a door or something that tells me that something good is going to happen, then maybe i'd look forward to the future and try to smile...

like REALLY smile...

i don't want to always be so hypocritical anymore...

*sigh* maybe i just need to go talk this over with somebody....

shoutout of the day: WHOEVER SAID THAT LIFE AIN'T ALL THAT BAD, GO SOAK YOUR HEAD IN THE TOILET.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 ~ 7:38 PM

my sweetest mistake.

blahhh!!!

today was an absolute funfun day!!!

i made my love-love book!!

lol..

i'll put a pic in tomo i guess...

after sch, eric sammie, and me went to parkway parade

so we were walking like 3 idiots there and just talked about random stuff...

we eventually got stuck in mcdonald's and sammie drank the frappe that eric and i bought... (-_-)

then we were playing this game that's called the RANDOM QUESTIONS GAME.... *oooohhhhh*

so the game goes on like this:

we spin eric's swiss knife and whoever is pointed will be asked two questions. rule is that the person cannot lie or keep it a secret.

so sammie was the first one the be asked.

eric's question: what's your bra size?

me and eric were laughing like hell man!!!

i couldn't stop laughing at the question and sammie's answer: AEROPLANE RUNWAY

then suddenly we were quiet and then sam just screamed, "EH!!!!IT'S WYN!!!"

so i looked at the guy and it took me 3 minutes to confirm that it was wyn.

he was with his girlfriend *i think her name's vera*

so i smsed him, "hey! saw you with your gf.. me eric and sammie are here at mcdonald's... so sad. never reply to us"

then after laughing so hard wyn smsed me and asked whether we wanted chicken popcorn... *weird*

so since it was free food, we said yes.

then after a few more hysterical moments, me and sammie went to the toilet.

while i was doing my unfinished business, wyn asked me where were we. then i told him to look for eric.

so me and sammie were quite happy to see wyn but when we arrived there he wasn't there

then eric said that he just came to give us the chicken popcorn.

sammie open the container and guess what: it was LEFTOVER chicken popcorn..

she complained and eric finished the whole thing so sammie complained again...

this is how me and sammie argue:

sammie: eh you know what-
me: JIN HYEOK!
sammie: eh, i don't like-
me: JIN HYEOK!!!
sammie: eh!!
me: JIN HYEOK!!!
*moments of silence*
sammie: (turns to eric) eh you know-
eric: JIN HYEOK!!!!!!!!
sammie: wahhhh!! i dun like him ok?!
me: okok.... TIYAPANITKUN!!!!

and on and on...

this day was just so random that i had so much fun!!!

lol...

shoutout of the day: I LOVE KELVIN KANG. period.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 ~ 9:28 PM

my sweetest mistake.

warning: loads of emo on the way..

this day was quite crappy...

i didn't know what to do, my body ached.. and dammit... i woke up on the floor...

blah...

i had a terrible headache the whole day...

crap...

i don't know what to do anymore...

all i think about is him and why we can never be again...

for some reason i always look at him even though i didn't want to...

i just felt myself looking at my right, as if there was something special there...

i know i shouldn't feel this way...

after all the pain i've felt for the past 2 years...

i thought i've already moved on when in fact, i'm stuck in tar while everybody is flowing along with the water...

i don't know why i am this way...

i hate myself for liking alot of guys and being together with them when i fact my heart and feelings has always been his...

i thought i've let go of him and that i didn't feel anything but friendship for him...

but it hurts whenever he says that she is cute and that he will never like me...

dammit... why can't i let him go?

looking at his photos made me remember how much feeling and happiness i felt just by loving him...

*sigh* no.. this isn't love... this is just infatuation as everyone might say...

i've always liked guys but i've never truly loved them...

then what exactly is love?

haaaa... i don't know myself anymore....

i'm becoming someone i'm not just to make others happy...

will i ever be able to find myself again??

Monday, September 22, 2008 ~ 10:14 PM

my sweetest mistake.

humans are really unbelievable...

when humans meet each other, a lot of possibilities happen...

whether it's good or bad...

i just wish that people would scold me more...

criticize me more...

i want them to say more of those sentences to criticize me...

i want them to let me fall down and never get up...

i just ask myself why did the sky turn bright?

why can people laugh so happily?

why did the tv broadcast weather forecast programs?

when all my dreams died and were lost forever...

why didn't the world end with it?

after that day when i lost my heart there was a time where i carried on with my life...

empty...

hopelessness is just like the sun covering me with darkness from head to toe...

they say that the world is divided into people who are needed and people who are not...

it is a lie...

in this world there are people who are needed to stay and exist...

in reality, there is not even one...

no matter whether it's a parent, a teacher, a child or a genius, they are still humans who are not needed in this world...

no matter who dies... the world doesn't actually worry about it...

it still continues like normal... dawn and dusk...

this world... doesn't need anybody's existence...

it makes humans lonely...

so that humans will also need humans...

feeling that you need someone, hoping that someone will need you...

hoping to meet that kind of person...

being this close to someone..

it's painful...

because being that close to someone made me regret everything...

if that was the result of that wish...

i didn't want anything more to do with it... or to have felt that anymore...

i didn't want to acknowledge that pain... it was too much..

he thought he loved me... it's pathethic... he was like a pathethic fool...

he never kept his promise and that was the end...

i was lonely and i felt i had been betrayed...

i was embarrassed to have even trusted him...

i hate that i'm like this...

i'm hateful...

i shouldn't be here...

i think it would be better if i just disappeared...

i always try to protect myself...

i always take the easy way out...

even now i've seen so much pain...

this feeling of almost bursting into tears, it's really lonely..

i want to pretend to forget everything that happened to me...

all i have to do is hate...

it is a very easy way...

it is comfortable like magic... to shift the blame...

all my life i had been doing that to make myself feel better...

am i not the worst?

i felt irritated and afraid...

i didn't mean to be involved with anybody...

i didn't mean to fall in love...

i only think about myself...

selfishly reflect on only myself...

only say what i want to say...

and i should've known that it would happen...

never be able to see someone again...

to never have the chance to apologize...

i should've known that it would happen...

for me to repeat the same mistakes again and again..

it's as if i have never known....

Friday, September 19, 2008 ~ 6:32 PM

my sweetest mistake.

blah... today was a fun- fun day...

we started filming for our sdma video!!!! *yay!!!*

amos threw the bball at me!!!!!!

anyway, we filmed the first part so i guess it was quite fun...

we caught alot of videos of people randomly shouting at each other...

anyway jeffie went to visit us!!! yayyyyy!!! my long lost sonnn!!!

so yeah, went home with holly and talked about stuff...

she said she was pretending to care...

blah...

anyway the weird and most disturbing part of today was when i was walking home...

i stoppped at the traffic light there then waited for the green man to start blinking.

then there was this old man who stood beside me and of course i didn't care...

then after a while i turned to my left to get something from my bag's left pocket when i saw the old man...

he was oogling at MY BOSOM!!!!

that's not the worst part!

i thought that after he knows that i saw him oogling at me he'd stop. but nOOOOO!!!

he looked at me, and smiled!!!!

wtfh!!!!

i wanted to smack him there and then but i was scared that later people think i was making a scene...

i was so relieved that the red man turned green.

i practically ran to the other side just to get away from that old pervert.

but then before i left he still groped my butt!!!!!!!

omg!!!!!!!

wth... nobody cares what happens to me...

blah...

i dunnoe what to do anymore...

blah.

Thursday, September 18, 2008 ~ 6:44 PM

my sweetest mistake.

wth...

ok this day quite okok

ate pizza during lunch coz Haniff leaving...

lol...

didn't do much in school but slack...

i saw him but i don't think he saw me...

my plan is working: i am ignoring the fact the muffin exists in school

anyway i don't bloody care about him anymore...

BLAH!

crap... i was supposed to type something cool and whatev but everything just slipped outta my mind...

nevermind... lemme talk crap about myself...

my name is jem
i'm 17.. *yes i am.. i just don't look like it.*
i smile most of the time or laugh...
my full name is JEMIMAH IRA MENDOZA DOMINGUEZ ORTIZ YAO BULSECO TABALADA.
long ain't it... btw. that just my english name.

i'm half-jap and half-chi
grew up in philippines so don't ask me about my race.
i have 2 mother tongues: Tagalog and Jap *didn't like mandarin*

i have the urge to punch people most of the day.
that's my little secret.
sometimes i punch my friends accidentally...
sorry!!!

i love my guitar.
my guitar is more important to me that anything in the world.
you touch it, you die.

i listen to rock. period.
no hiphop, no pop, no whatever just rock.

never ever ask me how to do a maths question because you'll just end up teaching me instead.
i love music. music is my life.
without music, life would be a bore.
everybody in my family's musically-oriented*except for my younger brother*

i love strawberry pocky... and sushi...
but mostly strawberry pocky.
it's nice. i like anything that's sweet.

i'm very very very VERYYYY vulgar.
actually i restrained myself already.
i used to say an average of around 30 vulgarities in one day.
now it's just 20.
i said i was restraining myself. i didn't say i was avoiding it.

i love my boyfriend. period.
steal him from me and you'll never see tomorrow again.
you know. just a little threat here and there never hurt nobody.

blah.. guess that's all i can say about myself. blah.

i'm so fuckin bored.

blehhh...

i'll go eat something now.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008 ~ 7:46 PM

my sweetest mistake.

ern keeps asking me to do some random surveys.. anyway i still love ya small boy! *as a friend*

#1 Where would you go if someone sponsors you an air ticket ?
I want to go Australia... or Greenland... *freeze to death.*

#2 What's your favourite thing to do ?
-bite on my guitar pick...

#3 Do you think money can buy happiness ?
-it can give me happiness but it can't but me happiness...

#4 If you were given a chance to recieve something, what would it be ?
-lifetime supply of pocky *strawberry* (^_^)

#5 Things you cant live without : IT SAYS THINGS OK?!?!
-my guitar
-handphone
-iPod
-pillow
-my teddy bear Jackass...

#6 What are you afraid to lose ?
-the ability to play guitar...
-my family
-friends
-HIM

#7 If you win $1 million dollars, what would you do ?
-buy an awesome drumset
-move from our crappy house
-update my medieval wardrobe
-buy my mom stuff
-pay my debts
-save the rest

#8 What do you dream of doing in the future ?
-being a mom...
-a journalist
-a musician
-a gourmet chef

#9 List down 3 good points about the person who gave you this survey:
-funny
-random
-irritatingly adorable

#10 What makes you happy ?
-random stuff
-seeing people smile
-my guitar
-my friends
-seeing him

#11 What type of person do you hate the most ?
-bitches
-liars
-backstabers
-hypocrites

#12 If you have a super power what would it be ?
-the ability to set things on fire... that would be cool man!!! ain't nobody wanna mess with me!!! *of course it comes with the ability to extinguish it as well* XD

#13 Would you go for happiness or money ?
-depends... which one arrives first?

#14 Who do you think is the most important people in your life ?
-my family
-friends
-3ea people
-HIM

#15 If you have a boyfriend, would you die for him ?
-depends... would he die for me?

#16 Who's the last person who hugged you ?
-erm... who ah? i think it was sammie.... can't really remember

#17 What is the one thing you want to do badly right now ?
-eat sushi...

#18 Who are you close to ?
-my friends
-infocomm members *some*
-3ea people

#19 Are you courageous enough to the person that you like him/her ?
-i am but i just don't want to waste my efforts to confess just for him to reject me...

#20 If you could do one thing all over again what would it be ?
-to make out with wyn... *it was fun!*

7 things that scare you:
-MY MOM
-thunder
-lightning
-the sea
-bugs
-failing
-losing everything i hold dear

7 things that you like the most:
-strawberry pocky
-strawberry yoghurt
-my guitar
-my books
-my art
-teddy bears
-babies...

7 random facts about me:
-weird
-random
-LOUD
-rash
-headstrong
-funny *i guess*
-ermm... well- endowed????

7 things i plan to do before i die:
-fly around the world
-make out with a Japanese guy
-forgive my dad
-marry him
-have babies
-GROW TALLER
-bungee jump in New Zealand

7 things i can do:
-play guitar and drums
-laugh
-shit
-recite all the books in the Bible
-smile
-tie a knot on a cherry stem using my tongue only *the ultimate kisser test!*
-punch people?

7 things i cant do:
-fly
-make somebody pregnant
-grow
-sing
-dance
-MATHS
-speak Russian

7 things you are attracted to in the opposite sex:
-eyes
-personality
-hair
-mouth
-sense of style
-interests
-the way they talk

7 things i always say:-
-shit
-fuck
-bloody hell
-what la?! wanna fight?!
-shite
-what the hell
-SHUDDUP

7 people to do this questionnaire:
-Holly
-Heni
-Ern
-DAnah
-Guannie
-Poch
-ermmm... Daryl??

~ 7:12 PM

my sweetest mistake.

The first person to tag/pass you is?- Ernnie boy.

Your relationship with him/her?- Junior?

Your five impression of him/her?- Random, hyperactive... chocolate- addict?

The most memorable thing he had done for you?- err... everything he does is memorable coz it's so random...

The most memorable thing he had said to you?- hhhmmm.. all he talks about is crap. lol.

If he become your lover, you will...?- eeeww. i don't go out with small boys.

If he become your lover, things he has to improve on will be?- Huh? HIS HEIGHT.

If he become your enemy, you will...?- cannot!!! too random and too chummy...

If he become your enemy, the reason will be?- hhmmm... different point of views?

The most desired thing you want to do for him now is?- wack him in the head and smile...

Your overall impression of him is?- wacky... random... and weird i guess

How you think people around you will feel about you?- I don't know, ask them

The characteristics you love about yourself are?- i have nothing in my mind...

On the contrary, the characteristics you hate yourself are?- vulgar... direct... rash... headstrong..

The most ideal person you want to be like is?- no one... i am what i am..

For people that care and like you, say something to them?- you rock!

Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wished to know how they feel about you.- Huh. hmmm.
1. Ern?
2. Sammie
3. Danah
4. Tony *2ea. china one*
5. Kelvin
6. Guannie
7. Muffin
8. Holly
9. Aron
10. Lex
Who is No. 6 (Guanni) having relationship with?- himself??

Is No. 9 (Aron) a male or female?- ahahaha!!! i'm not too sure myself!

If No. 7 (Muffin) and 10 (Lex) are together, will it be a good thing?- WAHAHAHA!!! gay much!

What is No. 2 (SAmmie) studying about?- How to woo cjh

When was the last time you had a chat with No. 3 (Danah)?- A few hours ago in school

What kind of music band does No. 8 (Holly) like?- Secondhand Serenade i think...

Will you woo No. 3 (Danah)?-NO WAY

How about No. 7 (Muffin)?- errmmm... next question please

Is No. 4 (Tony) single?-nope

What is the surname of No. 5 (Kelvin)?-Kang

What's the hobby of No. 10 (Lex)?- Listening to music, playing music, and torturing me.

Does No. 5 (Kelvin) and 9 (Aron) get along well?- i don't think they even know each other.

Where is No. 2 (Sammie) studying at?- same crappy school as me.

Say something casual about No. 1 (ern).- CRAP

Have you tried developing feelings for No. 6 (Guannie)?-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Where does No. 9 (Aron) live at?- Somewhere in Tampines i think

What colour does No. 4 (Tony) like?- random guess... Blue?

Are No. 5 (Kelvin) and 1 (Ern) best friends?- i dunnoe... they have the same cca though..

Does No. 1 (Ern) have any pets?- ask him.

Is No. 7 (Muffin) the sexiest person in the world?- He's sexy in his own way.

What is No. 6 (Guannie) doing now?- chatting with people in msn?

Friday, September 5, 2008 ~ 11:16 PM

my sweetest mistake.

WARNING: LOOOONNNNNGGG POST!!

ok today was quite fun i guess..

woke up to the usual sturpor man.

then blah cleaned the house and went on my way to sch to meet holly.

wth.. the guard won't let me in. blah. i don't care.

so yeah, due to my stupidity to wear slippers, me, holly, ernnie and jun wei went to starbucks to discuss our SDMA blah.

i bought a caramel frappucino then started to work on our impromptu script.

we had a lot of ideas but some were just rubbish i guess..

anyway we picked one and it was quite fun making the script.

we moved to the table at gelare coz there were two men smoking behind us *well we were sitting at the smoking area... DUMB RIGHT?!?!!*

then ern bought a gelato ice cream that costed him $4- something... it's like the size of his hand...

*i'll be posting the pic soon*

hahaha... so yeah afterwards he complained that he was ripped off...

then i finished the script and we just laughed at somethings...

so i went home with ernnie and holly and in the bus we were like so random...

our conversation was from ern being a dog, to 4ea students, to kelvin kang, to uncommitted members, to the people we argued with in the club, to atwell. absolutely no relation right?!

anyway, dropped off at tpjc and walked home with ern and just talked.

quite fun actually...

so went home bathed, smsed HIM!!!, cleaned the house and went to church.

blah. in church it was quite fun i guess...

made posters for the fair tomorrow...

baby sat rebecca...

everyone in the room was like, "omg jem! becky loves cuddling you coz you've got such big boobs!"

ooohhhkkkkkaaaaaayyyyyy......... -_____-... thanks for the appreciation guys but i think my bosom is happy already.

then just talked to grace yong and just told her some things. *while becky was cuddling against me... again*

anyway went home and smsed HIM again...

think he's sleepin now. blah.. love you darling...

so yeah. turns out that today is the most hectic day of the week i've had.

btw here's some photos of choir practice ystd.

it was quite fun also...

here's holly. at first she just wanted a photo of her lying on the ground then i suggested we put the ball to make it look like she was hit by it.. HEHEHEHE

well yeah... that's me getting "ready" to serve... HOHOHOH... omg i look thinner here... COOL