well, this is just another sob-story... i guess that's what my life is mostly about...

to muffin... loving you made me lose everything i held dear.

this will just be short.

i loved you,

you loved me.

we took the chance to be together.

but it wasn't supposed to be.

we were never fated to be anything more than friends.

but we drew the line and passed through it.

we held each other close

wrapping your arms around me as if protecting me.

i loved you but you used me.

you played with my feelings as if i was something that you threw away after you were done.

my heart ached and i cried myself dry.

it seemed like we were never together afterwards nor did we ever meet.

but we still saw each other but without the right purposes.

loving you made me lose my self, my emotions and everything else.

you deprived me of the love that i wanted from you...

you made it seem like i had to work for your love.

so before i say goodbye i want you to know...

i'll never get back the things you took from me and you the same.

but i'm happy that i got the chance to be your very first.

i'm not saying what it is and why i'm saying this... but...

thank. you. for. showing. me. how. to. cry.

hope we'll see each other again in some fated days to come.

1st of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUAN NAN!!!!!! and Jiraphon... *my best friend!!! i miss you!!!*

well, nothing much happened to day...

still suffered from the same illness...

i think my flu is getting worser every minute...

i can hardly talk now...

blahhh...

well, 3ea and 3eb went to river valley high for a science thingy...

two words: TOTAL HELL

it was soooooo friggin boring man!!!

i thought i would collapse right then and there!!!!

anyway, i don't really want to talk about it...

just thinking about it makes me want to sleep...

just finished talking to troy on the phone...

hahahah... it was so fun talking to him and about "panda bears"....

loller....

totally wiped out from the trip and my cold's acting up again...

FOR GOODNESS SAKE PEOPLE!!! I AM TURNING SEVENTEEN!!!!

salesman at courts: that will be $29 miss...
me: (in a broken voice) do you have change for a 50??
salesman: yes we do.. (looks at my uniform) oh, you're from chai chee?
me: (thinking) duh.. my uniform says so. (saying) yeah why?
salesman: my gf came from that school!
me: really???
salesman: yeah.(smile) you sec what? sec 1 ah?
me: nooo!!! i'm sec 3.
salesman: serious?? you don't sound and look like a sec 3 student!!!

what the hell was that??!!??!?!?!?!??!?!

seriously, i don't know what is it with people and my age and looks...

irritating...

i am turning seventeen and i'm a sec 3 student*still*

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssshhhh!!!!

blah.... i better do my homework before i take a snooze...

it's that dream again...

correction: to put it precisely it was dream within a dream...

unable to see the end..

merely standing idly in that vast plain...

on a road littered with corpses...

the wind blowing across the silence..

there weren't any smells anywhere...

whenever i get that "ah, it's time for me to die" feeling...

gentle yet ice-cold hands rouse me from that dream...

in my dream i woke up...

those hands, the gentle ice-cold hands,

on my neck,

my forehead, caressing softly...

it sounded like someone's talking...

but i can't hear what's being said...

i can't even see clearly...

my eyes and ears felt funny...

THE END.

i began to wonder when did i start having those dreams...

i don't remember anymore...

it's just that everytime i had that dream...

it's when i'm always severly hurt or in pain..

it's just like those wounds...

like i'm running out of breath...

everytime i have that dream...

i want to grab onto it...

those cold yet gentle pair of hands....

this is to the person who made my heart tremble with love and sadness...
--------------

maybe it was never meant for us to have met.

everything seems like it was all just a set-up for us to cross each other's paths.

we looked into each other's eyes and there was zing

i let the zing take over just to see what happens...

but maybe...

maybe i should've never done that.

you crossed the barriers that i've put up to not let anyone get close to me.

you were able to see me for who i really am.

you taught me to smile.

you taught me to care.

i was happy even if i knew that it wouldn't last for long.

before i knew it, thoughts of you clouded my mind.

you were always there... every moment of everyday...

i was afraid to let you in even more.

but you were still able to go in.

i don't know how but you grabbed hold of my heart and refused to let go.

before i even knew it, i was slowly falling in love.

i've fallen in love before but that time it was different...

i felt happy because you paid so much attention to me...

but sad at the same time because i knew that you could never be mine.

we were good for each other, i guess- i realized.

but i held you too tightly that you slipped through my grip..

i was angry and confused.

you made me want something that i never thought i'd ever want.

you made me wish for the impossible.

for once i thought that maybe wishes do come true.

but you made me wish and you made me eager..

eager for your love, eager for you.

though these words may not make any sense to you

i just want to tell you this...

i never stopped loving you. it's true...

i found someone else but they could never fill that place just for you.

maybe i'm dumb or maybe i'm crazy

but there's still a tinge of hope in me that someday...

just someday...

you'll realize that you were meant for me and i was meant for you...

i promised myself i'd never admit that i loved you...

that i was in love you.

that i still love you.

but it seems like i'll never get the chance to say these words to you...

so i'll say this now before anything else...

i never stopped yearning for you... wyn heng.

try as i may i can never stop...

it's all your fault.

maybe now, i can let go of you and not cry everytime i think of you and what could have been..

but i guess i realized everything too late...
---------

well there goes my confession.

it seems like i can love in peace again...

then again...

maybe not...

hahaha!!!!

I'M BACK FROM CHINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahaha... it was so fun there

on the way to china i sat beside tweet and we fell asleep the whole journey..

blah....

our hotel's name was SUYUAN HOTEL

it was fun... maybe for this post i won't say much... just that i had so much fun..

i'll explain more on the latter posts...

haaaaaaaaaaaa.... I MISS SUZHOU!!!!

i bought a lot of things man...

so fun to shop...

this is me and chen hong after our competition...

btw we got GOLD!!!!

me and jie yi... this is obviously one random photo...

i look weird here but spontaneous...

me and holly in our room... our room's a mess la...

this is me and holly taking our last lunch in shanghai...

anyway, i'll elaborate more later...

MISS CHINA!!!

hahaha...

this day was quite fun man...

me, poch, and tweet went out after school...

hahaha... we ate at cafe cartel and it was so fun!!!!

blah...

but poch has a problem with oinkie...

xe nman... nkikipaglandin si pinya to oinkie...

omg... people are so dumb...

some people are so dense that they try to push their way inside somebody's heart just to find something to contain that hollow space in their own hearts...

anyway, poch, don't worry... karma will catch up with that stupid pineapple...

blah..

so yeah, we ate at cafe cartel and we were so poor that we shared one bowl of ham and mushroom pasta and cheese fries *which was SOOOOO not cheesy*

cafe cartel's food rocks!!! so nice... even tweet ate mushrooms *she doesn't like them... OOOHHH!!! change of heart*

we were just laughing and decided to give each other nickies... *well, it's mostly my fault*

blah.. well, it was nice seeing poch laugh... i guess at least for a moment we were able to advert her attention to less depressing things...

haaaaaa...

crap.. i still haven't packed my things yet...

well, i was about to but then i was too lazy and i had the urge to use the com*which i am currently doing now*

blaaahh...

haven't talked to muffin or that old fart for quite a while...

WHATEVER!!!!

i don't bloody care...

i'm too depressed already so i don't need any additional burdens...

putting a facade in front of people is easier to do that show them how i really feel... they'd never understand...

haaa... i'll miss you poch!!!!!!!! take care sayang...

blah... maybe i should pack my things already...

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... it seems like i lost my voice...

oh holy shit...

mrs ho is going to fucking kill me...

the gear wheels...

they turn...

they spin...

with a power i don't have...

the wheels turn...

little by little...

and we move farther apart...

even though i stayed still you moved on.

but if this pain is the only thing left in between us...

i'll protect it..

the tears kept on over-flowing...

and i couldn't say anything more after that...

i don't know what this feeling is called...

but amid this yelling and crying, my soul awoke just once...

you're voice has always been echoing inside of me...

but now it seems like a distant sound i've never heard before...

tell me what i'm supposed to do...

what have i been living for...

what am i living my life on for?

to live my life out?

or to die?

i hate the moon...

it saw me crying...

it saw my weakness...

the you, made of amber...

was kind, even in my memories...

you smile then nod...

as a shooting star passes you point your finger...

i couldn't even say goodbye...

leave this raw pain here to stay...

the dreams i dream at dawn are painful...

and when i think my soul has wavered...

only tears over and hover...

the chain that connect us two...

destroyed in the sea...

it will never return....

the reason why i hate you

is because you make me sad

the person that makes me weak,

the person that creates sleepless nights,

the person that distracts my soul...

the person won't let me be alone...

if i live searching for tomorrow then i would end up betraying you

hurting you so much left alone in the waves...

i can't commit anymore sins...

the fear that compelled me to run from the darkness.

the rain that i continued to avoid...

for instance, a never-ending story, or creating the night...

like fish in a stream...

so what i mean is...

as long as you're here, everything is going to be alright...

bleh...

been practicing like shit for our competition...

blahhhh!!!

going to china on saturday *to all the people who wants to send me, if there is, you are welcome to do so*

anyway, nothing much has been happenin...

i made a bet with eric and i lost so now i have to be his gf for one month

shit.... haaaa...

well, muffin came home with me today...

nothing much happened...

a little talk here, a little kiss there, a little laugh here, a little smile there....

blah.. anyway he went back to school...

ahhh!!! my thighs are so painful...

shite...

blahhh....

oh yeah!!!

i finally know what's daryl's chinese name: dao he

his full name: daryl lim dao he

hahahaha... so cute man!!!!

anyway been reading death note to be able to understand the story more...

i understand it now but i stopped halfway coz it was so boring...

anyway, still haven't packed my things....

btw, some bloody idiot stole my calculator...

hope that person dies man....

blah... school has been totally a drag...

yesterday i only slept for one hour so i was pretty tired...

reason: i was playing harvest moon on my brother's ds the whole night

blaaahh...

anyway it just occured to me that my closest friends in class is sammie and azhar...

hahah... it's typical to be close to sammie, i guess *in my case*... she IS my best-friend

azhar? well, we've been talking alot and it's just been fun conversations...

blahh...

the two of them were bullying me yesterday...

sammie: can i ask you something?
me: sure
sammie: do you love daryl?
me: ha? nooo! why do you ask?
azhar: hello, you write his name everywhere
sammie: yeah... so you're in love with him right?
me: NOOOOO!!!!!

blahhh...

anyway nothing much has been happenin...

been smsing daryl *as usual* and i keep calling him an old fart *well he is* and ben..,

i sms muffin as well but i think he's angry at me

blah.. i don't give a fuck about him

haha...

i went to search for passport sized photos of the choir people going to suzhou and i saw a lot of funny photos!!!

aron, ern, cedric and prosper were so fat last year!!!! hahahahahahah!!!! so cute man!!!

cedric kept pulling my hair when i was laughing my head off...

then he kept touching my hair *blah* then jun wei split it in half and before my choir practice started i had 2 guys messing my hair...

blahhhhh!!!!

this day is just so effing----BLAH!!!

hate this day...

i was walking and my shoe completely broke...

i had to walk home with holding my right shoe... (-_-)

blahhhhh...

i'll go disturb the old fart now... kekeke...

omg omg omg omg

BEN JUST TOLD DARYL I LIKED HIM!!!!!

omg omg omg

haaa..

i was talking to daryl on msn and then i told him that he looked a lot like L from death note...

then he saw my display pic which is L and he just realized that he looked like L!!!

he's so slow man...

and then ben kept saying that daryl and i looked good together...

jensen said the same thing this morning and fiona said the same thing last week!!!!!

ahhh... blah...

then i told ben that maybe... i do like daryl....

then ben said "how come now then u REALISE!!!" then i told him that i'm just slow...

ahhhhhhhhh!!!

crap...

i just told daryl what ben, fiona and jensen told me...

shit!!!!! i feel so awkward now...

haa...

i dunnoe what to do....

i'll go put a paperbag on my head now..

here's grace... err... molesting dora...

love this photo of haruhi and tamaki... so cute!!!

omg... it's jiro wang... he's so cute!!!! he looks like a cat!!! *just like yours truly...* i've been told i look like a cat... do i???

omg... it's kenichi matsuyama... he's so friggin hot....

such a nice bear... poor thing... blah...

suddenly missed kylie alot!!!

blah... for some reason i have a photo of wyn... blehhhh!!!!... miss him though...

ahhhh shit... i look very weird in this photo.. very yellowish...

blah... anyway that's all i have... kekeke... weird photos...

No matter how gifted... one cannot change the world alone...

i was watching death note again *same movie* then i realized that kenichi matsuyama *L* looked familiar...

he looked alot like daryl... or daryl looked like him... blah...

anyway speaking of daryl, i saw him at church today...

jensen: i had a very weird dream last night
me: what?
jensen: i dreamt that we were in the youth room and that you and daryl were in a relationship and that you were sitting at the sofa and you were holding hands.
me: *fake laugh* haha... whatever... but nice dream...

blah... anyway jensen kept saying "daryl is staring at you!!!" when he was only glancing... two different things!!!

blah... so i still haven't done my homework or anything...

i don't feel like myself...

i'm very tearful nowadays...

like i'd just read a sad book and while i'm not aware start crying....

blah...

i want to watch the first two movies of death note...

i'll continue watching windstruck for now

blah...

yesterday i went out with zhi han, grace, suveer and kai xiang after school...

we ate at kfc and just talked crap...

grace had an ulcer attack and i asked her what's wrong and she said she's pregnant and xiang was the father...

i was laughing like shit!!!

it was so damn friggin funny the way xiang face became contorted and he tried his best to deny all allegations...

hahaha!!!


nothing much happened today...

slept until 10 am *blah... i'm a lazy person*


and i watched Death Note: change the world

omg... kenichi matsuyama is so friggin cute!!!!

he's the king of all emos..

hahha...

blahhh.....

anyway i'm still recuperating from my loss of voice yesterday... *yes i lost my voice...*

so my throat is a bit painful...

blahhhh...

i'm so friggin bored...

what the hell am i supposed to do during this long weekend?!

omfg...

i'm gonna die of boredom man....

blah..

*sigh* i miss alot of people now...

my cousins...

muffin...

sammie, eric, grace, xiang, azhar, zhi zhi, chi, ray, jarah, holly, heni, ern, atwell, jeff, shahrie, robert....

ben, lynn, eugene, tim chu, tim cheng, the twins, fiona jie, daryl *specially him*, jensen...

blahhh... a lot of people... they're so many i can't even think of names to write...

anyway yeah i miss them and i'm pretty lonely now...

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Why do I feel so much pain inside?

Why do I still search for the light?

Why does everyone hate me?

Why do they laugh? Why? Why?

Can’t they see im in pain?

Can’t they see they hurt me?

What if I ran away would anyone care?

Would anyone cry?

Would anyone try to find me?

Would anyone worry?

No! No one care no one would cry no one would try to find me no one would worry!!

Because in this world im all…. alone..

Behind this mask is pain..

I can fake a smile so you won’t see me frown..

I can fake a laugh so you won’t see my sorrow..

I can stand in the rain so you won’t see my tears..

And I can stand in a thunderstorm so you won’t hear my screams of pain…

but what I can’t do is stand here and tell you I love my life and I never frown because that would be a… lie..

life has been giving me headaches that have yet to subside...

we had our ncc day last tuesday and it was quite fun..

i had to hold two cameras *one was the school's camera and one was azhar's camera*

anyway, the d70 camera was so nice man!!! i was able to take lots of very nice photos!!!

the photos i took on the d70 and azhar's cam were so friggin cool!!! they were like the best pics i've ever taken!!!!


so yeah... a lot of things have been happenin...

me and nick have moved on and there's a possibility that i will never ever say a word to him again... *probably, maybe, not sure*

anyway, i've been smsing daryl and leonard quite a lot...

they've been so fun to talk to!!!!

well, i've been going out again with muffin... the REAL muffin...

i know it's bad for me to go out but i'm just going out with a friend that's all...

i just want to be happy...

why is it that i still feel trapped?

blahhhhhhhhhh!!!

i don't want to think about all those depressing things!!!

anyway, muffin knew that i smoked and he wanted me to stop...

for some reason i'll try to listen to him...

i'm really confused...

THAT GIRL♣

NAME: Jemimah
Age: 19-ish
Email: ask and it shall be given
popped out of my mom on the 12th of August.
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