well, zhi han and grace just left my house...

hahah... so fun!!!

i spent some time with my dear kids...

anyway we did nothing but have a stick in my house *provided by zhi zhi* and drink *heineken.. blah dunnoe how to spell*

me and sammie were bullying nitipat the whole week and the three of us were having lots of fun...

blah... nick's still not talking to me... if he doesn't want to talk to me then don't talk...

so anyway, i went out with grace and zhi han again...

omg... it's been so long since i last smoked...

it was so fun and with every puff i felt that there was a piece of my depression being puffed away with it...

blah... tomorrow i'll be going out with sammie, troy and grace...

kekeke...

to keep all my problems away...

the other day i kind of confided in wyn about my problems...

being the friend that he is, he told me that i shouldn't worry so much...

that if nick really did love me, he'd tell me what he's feeling instead of keeping it all to himself...

now that i've recalled him saying those words, i pondered for about a few moments...

he doesn't wasnt to talk to me, i respected his decision and kept my distance from him...

but now, my decision is clear...

i don't want... anymore....

once again, i'm done...

blah... i'll be typing in my language so noone will know what i'm saying... *to grace, if ever you read this, don't you dare translate it to anybody... satin2 lng to...

hindi ko na kayang magpangap na mahal niya pa ko... ayaw niya kong kauspin so hindi ko xa kinausap... pero pagtinry nia qng kausapin, hindi na ko magsasalita dahil gusto kong maramdamn nia ung sakit na binigay nia sakin... gusto kong maramdaman nia ung sakit na naramdaman ko nung sinabi nia na ayaw nia kong kausapin dahil tinatamad xa...

AYOKO NA!!!! tapos na ko sa lahat....

ok i've let all my anger out already....

but i haven't cooled down yet...

i'm still in a state of mind where all i can feel in total numbness...

blah... i'm just gonna end everything with one small bang...

it's totally pointless the way you talk to someone but they won't reply back... you look so foolish in front of other people thinking that you're talking to yourself, that for a moment, you begin to wonder whether that person is worth your time...

i went back here in singapore like friday night...

the first person i smsed was sammie *coz when i opened my phone, she was like the only person who bothered to welcome me back in singapore*

after that i smsed nick but he didn't reply...

but when he did reply he said "sorry. i was out watching movie"

for a moment i was fine with it coz i knew that friday was his hangout day with his blah friends...

so i was smsing sammie, leonard and muffin*oh muffin!!! i missed you so much!!! you were probably the only guy who welcomed me back here!!!*, wyn and aron.

blah... the eric suddenly smsed me saying that he's angry at me for not telling him that i've returned home... *blah... why do i have to tell him? it's not like he won't see me on monday*

so monday came quite fast and i was talking to sammie the whole day...

we had a new sitting position so fortunately i sat between sammie and azhar...

so i was quite fine then nick didn't talk to me the whole day...

i was like thinking what the fuck did i do to him?

and then grace told me some possibilities why he's angry at me but of course i made my point...

- she said that maybe it's because of our 2nd month *what about it? as far as i know i left him a message in msn and even wrote in my blog!*

-maybe it's because i didn't go online while i was overseas *the reason why i went overseas was to get away from everything here in singapore*

then grace asked him again today and his answer: he was too lazy to talk to me

omg... is that even a valdid reason?!?! what the...

i was totally pissed off the whole day...

finally why i was deejaying for the youth day blah, i told grace that i was done... i was tired of always being the one who's blamed, tired of being the one to say sorry, and lastly i'm tired of being angry...

i'm just tired... i told her that i didn't want anything anymore... i was done...

i also confided in aron *btw monkey, thank you so much for helping me in a lot of things!!! i fuckin owe you like big time man...*

i just didn't want to keep pretending that he still loved me when it's so obvious that he's lost interest...

i'm still holding on but i'm at the edge of a cliff already... if i keep holding on and nobody's there to save me* meaning he doesn't even care anymore* then i'd fall into a deeper hole... but if i stop all this facade, i may just be able to save myself from a disaster...

*sigh* i don't really want to talk about it anymore...

NEW TOPIC!!!!

there has been quite a few people that i've enjoyed talking to for the past few days....

-sammie *i'm with her every second in school*

-grace *always with her*

-nitipat *blah... for some odd reason he's fun to talk to nowadays*

-wyn *i've been smsing him every chance i get*

anyway sammie gave me an eeyore stuffed toy i named "jin jin"

it's so cute that my mom wanted to buy one for herself!!!

i guess it'll just be until here... i still nedd to do my maths homework... toodles!!!

nothing much happened...

i'm stuck in a nightmare i can't wake up from...

i can't tell my left from my right, i don't know where i'm going...

i'm screaming at people but they pass on without ever noticing me...

i want to be free from the burdens trapped inside my heart...

maybe i should take my mom's offer: to either go for professional help... or to live with my dad in canada...

there's something wrong with me...

i'm stuck in my worthless 16 year old body that restricts me from grasping what i long the most: freedom

i want to be understood by people but it seems like not one can understand me...

it's just like before but it hurts much more now...

because i let my guard down and allow these people to captivate me and break me into pieces without me knowing it...

i've tried my best to hold onto my depression and blah...

but still people think that i'm acting emo when i'm not...

i'm not emo but i'm just depressed, alone and broken...

i was walking on the street when my cousin pulled me back suddenly...

it seems like i was inches away from being hit by a truck...

my cousin said that i seemed to be out of the sorts so i taked to her...

at first i hesitated but with a few words i broke down and cried...

i told her everything between sobs...

some of my burden was released but i'm still pained...

nobody can help me now...

Déjeme justo solo...

Estaré saliendo ahora...

Yo no seré jamás el mismo una vez que regreso...

He estado por dolió demasiado y el engaño...

Yo me perdí mucho antes...

Yo no soy que era...

¿Por qué debe cuidar cualquiera cómo yo soy???

Ellos están meter tan ocupados en personas vive que ellos son ni enterado de su propio vive...

Yo los odio..

blah.... i just posted a few minutes ago...

i was happy a while ago but upon reading grace's blog i became sad again...

maybe she's right... maybe i'm just a wee bit misunderstood...

maybe that's the reason why everybody's putting on a facade just for me...

they put smiles in their faces when all they think about is that i'm some girl who wants to die...

on the contrary, i used to want to die before but now i'm just filled with bitterness, anger and mere emptiness...

i'm sorry if no one can understand why i am like this...

all these people judging me, using me as a puppet, they're all hypocrites...

the world is filled with these people...

people who wear exaggerated smiles just to show me that i'm not alone...

people who tap my shoulder and say "don't be sad... i'm here for you... " just to show me that somebody cares...

maybe the person that i'm waiting for who will be able to understand me completely.. who'll never judge me... who'll never hurt me... will never come...

maybe i should abdicate all hope now...

there's no point carrying on with this pretentious life...

what they say is right : the inexorable truth hurts... very much...

i thought that i've already gone past the stage where people will keep one judging me and using me...

i guess i have to carry this burden all my life...

there's nothing i can do more but to either:
1.not return to singapore... or
2.distance myself from everybody and be labelled as an ornery person just like before...

and to think i thought that my life in singapore would be easier...

you can't teach an old dog new tricks... but in my case, nobody can teach me how to trust...

i will never know who i can trust anymore... scratch that... i can never trust anybody anymore....

happy second monthsary daddy!!!

woots... 2 months man... hahah... muwakkk

today is the beginning of a new school year here in Philippines...

me and my brother were bored to death coz our cousins went for classes...

we did nothing but watch countless episodes of Alice Academy*he's still watching btw*

blahhh... i've been so itchy since sunday so my body is filled with rashes now... *mostly on my thighs...T_T*

ROAR!!!! ITCHY!!!!

*sigh* blah...

3 of my exs have been smsing me since last thursday...

i was fine smsing them- after all, we're nothing but friends or blah...

then i suddenly thought about why i broke up with them...

it's either they did something wrong... or i got tired of them...

i confess that i have a bad habit of playing with people's feeling before... but fortunately i broke that habit ever since i met wyn... i'm still wearing the scars from the lessons he gave me... *more like retribution*

i dunnoe... i was never contented with my relationships before... i'd like the attention at first but eventually, i tire from it and i end up breaking up with the guy...

haaaa... anyway, i guess i have wyn to thank for curing me of my wrongdoings...

thank you wyn... you stupid asshole... *smile*

blah....

woo... i was lost in thought back there...

to my daddy nick:

two months we've been together
and yet you never seem to get tired of me
even with my bad qualities
my good side you still see

you're always there
when i need you by my side
you always open your arms for me
just to run to and hide.. *-___-*

but now it's my turn
to say these feelings of mine
but before anything i say sorry
because i've done a lot of crimes

you made me forget
all my sorrows from my past
you always comforted me
but my history you never asked

maybe you're crazy
or maybe you're blind
to fall for someone like me
but i'm happy that you're mine

i love you
with all my heart
i pray to God that you'll never leave me...
that we'll never be apart...

happy monthsary....

ok i know it's lame... i apologize for not having a great sense of poetry...

blahh... my head hurts so maybe i'll lie down for now...

i haven't been feeling well these past few days...

haha... consequence for not eating properly...

haaaa... bye bye!!

if ever there was a time to hate somebody with all my being... this is the time...

first of all, i had fun here in my grandma's house...

i finally had someone to tell my problems to...

upon opening up to danielle and jyasmin *my closest cousins* it ended up with me in tears...

anyway, we watched What Happens in Vegas last Wednesday...

Ashton Kutcher is so handsome!!!

i spent a lot of money that day...

anyway, today my mom called and said very disturbing news...

she said something about my dad...

i began hating my dad even more...

i hate him for lying to us... i hate him for leaving us...

i feel nothing for him but hatred...

he has no room in my life anymore... i don't want anything to do with him

i don't ever want to see him...

hatred controls my life anymore... my heart is filled with anger and hatred...

may God spare my life... i apologize God... but i can never ever forgive him...

ok... there's kylie before i left... cute snapshot
this is shun... the cutest rabbit on earth... *lol*
this is jacob... he's competing with kylie on "my cutest cousin" position...
well, it's just us... "The yesterday's cutest people in Yao.."

THAT GIRL♣

NAME: Jemimah
Age: 19-ish
Email: ask and it shall be given
popped out of my mom on the 12th of August.
don't like my blog? JUST PRESS CLOSE.
i'll tell you what you want to know about me so long as you don't spam, or do anything disrespectful... >< Does Provillus Work?
.

DESIRES♣

HIM
new lappy
cash~!
Gibson Les Paul guitar
new amps

BLAHS♣

THE JUDGES♣

CHAI CHEEIANS.
GuanNan
Eric
Jack
Jody
YongSu
Heniwennie
Pengsiew
CCSS Choir
CCSS Band
CCSS InfoComm Club
Ms Kong
Sally
HuiSi
Aron
Benson
Glam
Nigel Chua
KC.
Niki the mr lokey lover
Isabella
CHURCH SPECIES!
Rachel Dardar
Sweetie pie
GraceY
Michelle.B2
Nick
Setho
Jervis
Hui Xian
Fiona Jie
Lynn
Cutie pie
ETC.
DollMe
De.B.Label
Alicia's Blogshop
Sinyi's Blogshop

MEMOIRS♣

April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011
November 2011