Monday, May 19, 2008 ~ 9:26 PM
my sweetest mistake.
i watched
made of honor today...
i love that movie... patrick d. is so hot and so cute!!!!
i didn't talk that much today coz i guess i was having an episode...
ahhhh!!! forgot to watch
8 simple rules!!!went to spend time with my family and bought some stuff to bring to people back home...
maybe going home is a great idea...
i just need to relax and free myself from all the problems that i've caused here...
i'm making everybody's life miserable...
btw, tom kaulitz of tokio drift is H.O.T!!! seriously...
this sucks man...
i went to pasir ris park with my
familia and i sat at the beach and for some reason, i started crying my heart out...
i thought about how i'm reason why everybody's life is miserable... my mom is miserable because of me, ny dad left us because of me... i'm making nick's life fucking miserable as well...
i don't know why or how but i just make everybody's life a living hell when i'm with them...
maybe God is punishing me for all the things i've done...
you hear that God? just give me all you've got... the faster you do it, the faster it gets done... you've never held back before... so why stop now?
i also thought about walking straight into the sea and just feel myself flow along with the water to wash away my tears...
so we went home and i chatted with my auntie...
surprisingly, i chatted with akiko, my late brother's girlfriend... she didn't want to say anything to me at first... i can understand why... i'm the reason why akiko's wounds ran so deep... it's because my brother's blood runs through my veins and i looked a lot like him... i remind her of jm that's why she couldn't forget him after all these years...
i told her that i'm going home and she asked me whether i'd be visiting lex and his family... i told her that there's a likely chance that me and my brother may be staying with them for a week or so...
while i was talking to her, old wounds reopened and i drowned myself in memories again coz i remembered my brother and how he'd always scold me for not taking good care of myself whenever i'd get seriously wounded from all my rebellious acts, how he'd be a total cornball just to make me laugh... how he fought his illness during that time because i made him promise never to leave me...
until now i still think about how or why he passed away... if only i never left for school that day then maybe i would've prevented him from dying... maybe i would've made the time we could've spent together longer...
i'm the reason why he died... i didn't tell my arents about his sickness and ever since that day, i can feel that my parents are silently blaming me for his passing...
the last thing that i said to him was "stay strong bro"...
ahhh.. shit... i'm crying again...
life is unfair... but i never knew that it would be this painful...
