Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
♥ yepp... most of the time...

Do you love the last boy/girl you were talking to?
♥ guess so

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
♥ the last one i kissed was the bunny... oh yeah person... kylie?? sure

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
♥ feeling sorry for myself

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
♥ my cousin, neil

Last restaurant you went to?
♥ not sure...

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
♥ nobody...

Did you have an exciting weekend?
♥ it's the weekend now... so i'm still rating..

Have you ever crawled through a window?
♥ yup

What do you spend most of your money on?
♥ guitars and accesories

Where were you at 1AM sunday morning?
♥ in my room, playing my guitar

Ever kissed someone over 30?
♥ yea... paents... relatives... and such...

Is there a secret you've never told your parents?
♥ most of them

Do you like yourself?
♥ some parts

Have you ever dyed your hair?
♥ yea... i highlighted it then dyed it back to my natural hair color...

Are you wearing a necklace?
♥ yups

Who is someone you wish you could fix things with?
♥ nope..i'm not the type to apologize

Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again?
♥ lotz... hhahh..

Are you an emotional person?
♥ yupps

What's something that can always make you feel better?
♥ ice cream and a little shedding of tears

Did your parents spoil you as a child?
♥ not both of my parents... only my dad...

Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
♥ nope... i burn them immediately... i dun want to reopen old wounds

How's your heart lately?
♥ stressed

Are you a cuddler?
♥ sort of... hahaha...

Will this weekend be a good one?
♥ dunnoe

What do you want right now?
♥ cry my heart out...

Who can always cheer you up?
♥ my bunny... Shun... *my brother's bunny*

Have you ever gone nude/streaked in public?
♥ nah-uh... not even in my dreams...

Who hugged you last?
♥ my cousin

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
♥ nopeee

Are you a kissable person?
♥ ask those i've kissed

Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
♥ bloody hell yeah... i hope that person dies now...

Who was the last person to come to your house?
♥ no one

Look behind you, what do you see?
♥ my granma eating some fruit

Have you ever worked in a food place?
♥ nope

What would you name your future daughter?
♥ Beatrice meaning "someone who is able to make others happy"
==========================================

....

i was browsing to everybody's blog and i happen to see samantha's blog...

she said that sudhanshi is angry at her because of me...

she tried to defend me and said that i'm not a bad person like everybody says...

bloody hell.. means everybody's a hypocrite and they're talking behind my back and they say that i'm a bad person?!

i almost cried while i was reading her blog...

maybe that's why nobody informed me abt that damn class bbq...

fuck....

what the fucking hell is wrong with me?!?!?!?!

i try to make everybody happy but instead i make them angry at me... does it mean that i have to change?

but i'm not a hypocrite... i don't want to change just for the sake of people accepting me...

i don't know what to do...

i'm losing eveybody that i care about...

i'll just stay away from everybody..

hello everybody!!!

super nanny is back!!! *lol... random much...*

haha... nyway, i'm at my paternal grandmother's house... *with the help of my uncle, i'm here!!!*

before coming here, we went to this place where they sold oodles of pets...

THE ANIMALS ARE DAMN FUCKING CUTE!! *-__-*

we, meaning my brother, bought a rabbit where we, meaning me, named it Shun after my brother... *i wanted to name is Marota but my bro had all the power to name the damn bunny*

he's so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah so here we, meaning me, are... *my brother went with my cousins somewhere...*

so i'm with my cousin who's 6 months older than me... my closest cousin... heheh...

that is the reason why i'm a bit happy coz i finally have someone to talk to!!! *david cook david cook david cook!!!!!!!!*

we've been screaming his name for quite a while... loller...

we're crazy and that's the proof that we're related...

anyway maybe i'll update again later...

haaa... miss nick alot!

blehhhhh... if you're reading this: hello!!!!! hi!!! how are you?!! i'll try to talk to you later... blah... yeah!! happy one months, two weeks and 5 days!!! but wth... who's counting!

haaaa... i miss my okonomiyaki... blehh...

when i arrive in singapore i'll eat that first... hehehe...

i want alot of things!!!

-okonomiyaki!!!
-those Hello Kitty Fender guitars! *i dun like hello kitty but dammit it's a Fender guitar!!!*
-a Les Paul guitar!!!!
-new strings for my guitar
-somebody who can change the strings of my e-guitar... *dunnoe how.. i'm clueless... calling all available young men... damsel in distress!!!! loller*
-bubblegum... *note to self: buy some for zhi zhi...*
-kill that stupid nitipat tiyapanitkun... *sorry pattie... i'm coming back... bleh!!!! i'll give you a gf wif big boobs...*
-i want new shoes... and muffins... and pizza...

well, demanding as i may seem, i'm actually- er.... fuck forgot what i was going to say...

anyway, i'll go be hyper or something... *ate too much chocolate... sugar rush kicking in*

waaaaaa... damn fucking sian...

blah... haven't finished my holiday hw.. blah!!!!

i'll do it 3 days before i go home... that's my mentality...

hehehe.... i'm looking forward to wacking my brother... *it's my way of showing him that i care about him*

see ya! wouldn't wanna be ya!! bleh.. lame la!!!

hello and good evening to anybody who's reading... *blah*

anyway as usual i didn't do much today except miss nick...

i was talking to him but he suddenly went off...

jeez... today was the usual boring day....

i just made kylie and i made her cry also... *i'm evil*

i did some of my physics homework... unfortunately i lost my social studies homework....

haaa.... i replied to one of my emails yesterday...

i told him that i had no intention of meeting him or whatever....

he called my phone and asked me what i meant.... i told him that i didn't want to see him because it will just reopen old wounds...

he apologized for what he did and he pointed out that it has already been 4 years since we broke up...

i told him that what he did can never be forgotten... he apologized and said, "i'm sorry for before. i destroyed our friendship for what i did. but i really want to see you and clear with you all the bad blood between us."

so i decided to see him tomorrow at my grandmother's house...

i don't know what will happen but i'm certain that it will just result to tears...

haaa... i'm unhappy for no reason at all...

my head's been in the clouds since this morning and i've been talking gibberish...

haaa... maybe i'm going nuts...

my name is jem but you can call me SUPER NANNY!!!

anyway as the name suggests i did nothing but take care of kylie the whole day...

whenever she cried it seems like i was the only one who can calm her...

so cute...hahaha... i took a lot of photos of her till i realized that i had one album of her photos but none with me so zi lian for a moment... hahaha... (><)

anyway i was forced against my will to watch consecutive episodes of POKEMON...

wow... i was outnumbered 5 to 1... wow... haaaa....

oh yeah believe it or not, kylie is only 2 months old tomorrow!!! and she's so big!!!

hahaha... well that's ok, when you're a baby, the chubbier you are, the higher your cuteness is...

i was pretty scrawny when i was young... haaaa...

to anybody out there... i will be very much obliged if somebody took me away here and brought me back to singapore...

i've been eating fish for 2 consecutive days... these people love to eat fish... i'm beginning to grow gills of my own...

haaa... i went to check my email and for some reason, 4 out of my 7 ex- boyfriends emailed me...

they found out that i was i philippines *crap.. i was trying so hard to keep that a secret from everybody who's not in my family or anybody who i have absolutely no intention to see* and they were asking if i wanted to meet up with them and just "spend some time..."

jeezus... no thanks... you came, you broke my heart, and now you're out of the league...

jeez... the nerve of some people... haaa... i just shoved them off as if they were dirt on my sleeve...

i don't care about them much... this is so boring....

wish i was back home where the people who cared are...

haaaa... this sucks...

i was talking to nick but he fell asleep i think...

haaa... now i have nobody to talk to...

haaa.. i'm so bored now and i suddenly remembered bad memories of the sea...

that particular summer, our sec 3 camp... all resulting to me being traumatized for life...

i will never ever come close to the sea again...

oh!! i remembered that i had this weird dream about jin hyeok last night... i forgot what it was about but it was about jin hyeok and something about him dancing...

anyway my aunty told me that when i was a baby, i was so afraid of thunder and lightning that whenever she would carry me and there was either one of them, i'd hold on tightly to her and even if she let go, i wouldn't fall...

she was laughing when i told her that i'm still afraid until now...

i think i was a freak when i was a child...

haaaa... a lot of kids picked on me coz i was japanese...

that's why i didn't have lots of friends while i was growing up...

i was always the odd one in the crowd... i still am actually...

haaa... i guess this post is nothing more but bad memories of my, what seemed to be, wretched childhood...

i can't say that everything was bad coz everything that happened to me before made me what i am today...

haaaa... but the now me is also not the best of all people...

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... this totally sucks man...

=====================================================

haaa... hello to all the people who bothers to read my blog...

anyway, last night i talked to nick and it was the icing on the cake...

but then he said something that left me in deep thought...

he said that xiang told him that he'd *nick* soon see my true colors... that i would want more than a kiss..

what the fucking hell is that about?

he makes me sound that i'm so perverted man... ok i know that i'm a little perverted but the way he says he says it it's like i'm so desperate...

anyway i wasn't affected by it much but it did put some thought in my noggin'...

haaaa.. i miss my nick so much...
this is me and my aunty when she fetched me and my brother at the airport *taken at mall of asia*

people who i miss so much...

1. Nick- duh, he's like my boyfriends of course i'll miss him...

2. Baby Geneva- she's in singapore so i miss her so so much...

3. Baby Zhi zhi- i miss my little baby boy!!!

4. Mizuta Katsutoshi- haven't seen him since august last year... i've been emailing him every now and then and it's nice that he replies back and updates me on the happenings of his life...

5. my bed- ok i know it's not human but i still miss it

6. Muffin- haven't talked to him since i left... we fought before my flight so i left on a bad note but i still miss him...

i don't miss a lot of people but i do miss some i'm just lazy to type out names...

anyway, i became a poop- checker for kylie, my baby cousin....

here's a photo of her...
haaa... i've been missing nick a lot... but i talk to him at yahoo so i can still feel like i'm near him somehow...

haa.. it's like so boring here and my cold just got worse...

i'm like rudolph with my red nose... T_T

i'm becoming a baby sitter again...

why is it that everywhere i go i need to take care of babies or whatever? am i the only person who enjoys taking care of them??? sheesh...

speaking of babies when i was putting kylie to sleep, i suddenly thought whether i'd make a good mother...

it's weird i know since i'm only sixteen but then hey, my biological clock is ticking...

i'm beginning to feel some maternal feeling everytime i talk to zhi han...

it's s weird... anyway... that's all for now....

i'm signin' off!!! toodles!!!

this totally bites man..

i just finished redesigning my blog... quite cool eh...

anyway, just like yesterday, i've been missing nick a lot...

i dreamt about him last night...

i dreamt that i was in singapore again, in school with everybody...

but for some reason people from 3n1 were in the same class as me...

then when i looked beside me, i saw kai xiang and he was smiling all weirdly... like a very ecchi-like smile...

and then he just grabbed me and whatever...

but then somebody pulled him off me and i saw that it was nick...

he was crying but he wouldn't tell me why...

i ran after him but i just couldn't reach him... no matter how far i reached out, i still couldn't reach him

i looked all over the place but it seemed like whenever i managed to see him, he'd disappear...

i was crying coz i didn't know what to do but then somebody hugged me and i thought it was nick...

but it was xiang...

then when i looked up, i saw nick staring at me as if i wasn't there...

and when i looked at my hands, i was slowly disappearing into nowhere...

what does my dream mean? that nick is slowly forgetting me?

haaa... i miss him so much...

i can't stop thinking about him every friggin moment...

i just hope he feels the same way...

first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE BABY ZHI ZHI!!!!

i'm here in philippines now and the first day here totally suck...

it's totally hot and i totally miss my family back home...

i miss my nick the most...

haaaa... this totally suck...

the fight also sucked...

dammit... i thought i can never miss anybody but i miss nick alot...

i miss him so much it hurts...

i'm lovesick and i'm loving it...

i'm so bored now...

to nick:
to my darling...

i miss you so much!!!
i decided to write in a notebook and give it to you when i return home from my holidays...
so that if i forget to update my blog... besides... i want you to know how i feel while i'm here that i cannot put here in my blog...
confidentially for yours and my eyes only..
i miss you so much darling!!! shit lah...
i wanted to spend my holidays with you but it seems like my mom planned everything already
this sucks but i have to survive without you for four weeks...
nevermind, i'll shower you with love and kisses when i return home ok??
love you very much darling...

maybe i'll spend my whole holidays missing nick...

hatred is definitely a strong emotion that may or may never be erased...

something just happened that made me hate my dad and my brother even more....

my dad called and at first i was quite happy to talk to him but then he wanted to talk to my brother and te idiot told daddy that i didn't want to eat, i don't like to eat and all that shit...

of course my father scolded me for not eating.. he gave me a lecture and it just made me hate him even more because he didn't even bother to listen to my side of the story and then he'd give me that stupid lecture for nothing...

i hate my brother because what the hell is his fucking problem with me?!?!?! if i don't want to eat then it's not his fucking problem!!!!

since when did the two of them bloody cared about me??!?! they never gave a hoot about me about anything but just because i don't want to eat they's think it's their business?!?!

it's none of their motherfucking business whether i eat or not... i get sick then it's my fault! i know it is!!! for all they know i could've finished a whole banquet from where i've been!!!! bullshit!!!

now i can't stop my tears from falling because i'm damn bloody irritated...

my heart is just welling up with hatred,,, i'm just bloody irritated with everything!!!!

why don't they just leave me alone!?!?!?!

hello to all the people in the world. condolences to those families whose members died in the cyclone in myanmar and earthquake in china... we feel your pain *so emo*

well this week has been totally relaxing...

i've been counting the days till sunday when i can fly back to where everything is normal...

haaa... anyway, we did our cip today *that stupid newspaper collection*

haha.. me and samantha let yuichi and azhar do all the sai kang work.. *hehe.. MEAN GIRLS*

it was fun but then it just became tiring and then it just became irritating

we waited 2 hours for those rag-and-bone men to collect the newspapers and etc...

me, sammie, yuichi, nick and nitipat were talking about very funny things

pat: haha.. i like girls with BIG BOOBS but i don't want to stead with them
me: why??
pat: coz i just want to stare at their boobs but i don't want to stead
me: haha.. then don't want to touch ah?
pat: touch for what?!?! i read that those letters mean something... a stands for ABNORMAL, b for BEAUTIFUL, forgot what's c..
me: then f?
pat: FABULOUS!!! and e is ENORMOUS!!!
me: enormous?
pat: YEAH!! ENORMOUS!!!
me: then d eh?
pat: got meh?!?!

haha.. weird conversations between two intellectually-challenged people

me: when i stead with nitipat i thought that he was the most handsome person in the world.. now? not anymore...
sammie:*laughter!!!*
pat: yeahhhh.. i'm the most IRRISISTABLE person ever!!! *opens arms wide*

seriously... nitipat is so funny sometimes...

yesterday, we had like the third sex talk we've had in two years...

it was so boring mannn!!!

then i went for choir and it was quite fun until ain destroyed the mood... *fuck her*

haaa... so far everything's been great except for today because of sudhanshi.. she totally has this attitude-effish man..

bloody hell.. why should i waste my time getting irritated about poeple who don't give a fuck about me? i don't care about you, you don't care about me...

anyway, update again later coz i'm totallllllllyyy bored right now and i don't know what the bloody hell to say...

i'll talk to my sammie now..

well, just as the title says, these are 15 reasons why i hate myself

1-the fact that i have a lot of sicknesses
2- i'm so dumb... even a simple exam i can't pass..
3-i can never be as perfect as all those bitches in the world.. i'm always standing out in the crowd
4-some people can be broken yet they still have fun.. but for me, i'm just broken
5-i'm useless... i can't cook, i can't clean.. i can't do anything right
6-when i try to make people happy, i often irritate them and end up being hated by them
7-people make friends with me only because of my money
8-even though i know that my "friends" are there only because of my money, i can't bear to let them go
9-i'm the reason why my brother died
10-i make everybody's life miserable
11-my smile... every smile that i put on it nothing but a mask to hide all the pain that i feel in my heart
12-i'm overly-sensitive to words
13-i'm not as perfect as my brothers...
14-i can never ever forgive...
15-the fact that i breathe... what have i done to make me think that i deserve to live? NOTHING

with these reasons i hate myself even more that before... i'll continue lying to myself and drown myself in memories of the past and escape from reality...

i watched made of honor today...

i love that movie... patrick d. is so hot and so cute!!!!

i didn't talk that much today coz i guess i was having an episode...

ahhhh!!! forgot to watch 8 simple rules!!!

went to spend time with my family and bought some stuff to bring to people back home...

maybe going home is a great idea...

i just need to relax and free myself from all the problems that i've caused here...

i'm making everybody's life miserable...

btw, tom kaulitz of tokio drift is H.O.T!!! seriously...

this sucks man...

i went to pasir ris park with my familia and i sat at the beach and for some reason, i started crying my heart out...

i thought about how i'm reason why everybody's life is miserable... my mom is miserable because of me, ny dad left us because of me... i'm making nick's life fucking miserable as well...

i don't know why or how but i just make everybody's life a living hell when i'm with them...

maybe God is punishing me for all the things i've done...

you hear that God? just give me all you've got... the faster you do it, the faster it gets done... you've never held back before... so why stop now?

i also thought about walking straight into the sea and just feel myself flow along with the water to wash away my tears...

so we went home and i chatted with my auntie...

surprisingly, i chatted with akiko, my late brother's girlfriend... she didn't want to say anything to me at first... i can understand why... i'm the reason why akiko's wounds ran so deep... it's because my brother's blood runs through my veins and i looked a lot like him... i remind her of jm that's why she couldn't forget him after all these years...

i told her that i'm going home and she asked me whether i'd be visiting lex and his family... i told her that there's a likely chance that me and my brother may be staying with them for a week or so...

while i was talking to her, old wounds reopened and i drowned myself in memories again coz i remembered my brother and how he'd always scold me for not taking good care of myself whenever i'd get seriously wounded from all my rebellious acts, how he'd be a total cornball just to make me laugh... how he fought his illness during that time because i made him promise never to leave me...

until now i still think about how or why he passed away... if only i never left for school that day then maybe i would've prevented him from dying... maybe i would've made the time we could've spent together longer...

i'm the reason why he died... i didn't tell my arents about his sickness and ever since that day, i can feel that my parents are silently blaming me for his passing...

the last thing that i said to him was "stay strong bro"...

ahhh.. shit... i'm crying again...

life is unfair... but i never knew that it would be this painful...

i was pissed off the whole day

reason 1- woke up late and i had to rush to church and EVERYTHING totally fell apart while i was playing the guitar...

reason 2- learned that my flight is on either saturday or sunday... sheesh!!!

reason 3- nick kept calling me pregnant and it just snapped a lot of nerves. i told him to stop but he just wouldn't stop. i got pissed off but i didn't snap coz i didn't want to scream and fight with him coz i already lost my voice. later i'd be blamed for everything again. *as always.. i'm always the one at fault*

reason 4- my goddamn brother just won't fucking stop irritating me. can't he even follow one fucking easy task?!?! SHIT!

it's damn fucking irritating and then at church there was this bitch who said "you have a gaudy face" and fucking walked away leaving me in complete dumbfoundness. FUCK YOU BITCH! GO TO HELL!

if i have a gaudy face then you have a face of a fucking prostitute! bitch!

shit!! this day is just so irritating!

the only consolation i had today was from my two favorite men: BEN AND JERRY and my best friend, my Chunky Monkey ice cream

it's just so fucking irritating the way that the person i expect to run to on this kind of situation would be the reason why i'm in this dilema... what the fucking hell is that?!

dammit!!! everybody's a hypocrite... yes they all are...

nobody goddamn fucking care about me. that's true.

they say that they do but they don't... unless they have an ulterior motive.

i smsed my friends in philippines today and told them that i'd be coming home. i was so happy to have received their messages but they all said the same thing: "WHAT WOULD YOU BE BRINGING FOR ME FROM SINGAPORE?"

what the fuck is that?!?!? you mean all this time they were my friends just because if my fucking money?!?!! what the hell... i never thought i could ever hate myself more than before until today... i hate being an heiress!!! i don't fucking know who my real friends are!!!!

fuck man... ok maybe i'm wrong maybe i'm right but i know one thing for sure: THIS DAY IS THE MOST FUCK-FILLED DAY I'VE EVER GODDAMN FUCKING HAD.

hello to everybody!!

today was pretty fun i guess...

in the morning there was this long speech by mr loke and mr ong *the school's top perverts*...

me and grace also saboutaged keith and "introduced" him to jarah *woots!!! keith i know you're happy!!!*

didn't have any lesson apart from bio... and bio lesson was pretty fun...

we had our practical today so it was quite fun.

then afterwards, i went to meet grace and then we saw zhi han

me: baby zhi zhi!!! *open up my arms*
zhi han: MOMMY!!!*opens up arms wide*

ZHI HAN IS SO CUTE!!!! my baby is so cute... haha... i was so heart-smitten when he said that.. it was so cute!!!!

then me, grace and sammie went to mobil to buy stuff... *haha... we're cheap*

we saw saufi, peng siew , aron and chuan sin on the way

aron: hello!!!
me: hello monkey!!! *laughter*
aron: don't talk to me la!!!! i'm not a monkey!
me: MONKEY!!! MONKEY!!! MONKEY!!! *laughter*

then aron called nick and said that he's taking me home

aron: eh nick! i'm sending jemimah home ah! no la i won't bully her! i very good one. *hands phone to me* tell him i never bully you
me:*takes phone* yes?? noo he never bully me. he is a perfect gentleman. chuan sin is also sending me home. i got 2 monkey's sending me home.. hahaha

then at mobil we saw jarah and asked her to treat us*but she didn't... CHEAPSKATE!!!!*

then we saw nick there and he bought chocolate and a drink...

we saw troy also and we headed to school to send sammie for her solar car workshop thingy.

i went to the hall with grace to visit my baby boy and inside was zhi han, keith, yu xian, shaun and kai xiang... for some effing reason, one of them was ignoring me and acting all attitude towards me. *FUCK YOU... you'd only talk to me once you need something from me*

after a while we headed for tampines mall and sammie skipped her workshop to come with us. she was like so close to troy... hahahhasee?!?!?!?!^^^^

anyway it was quite fun. we ate at the kopitiam and the food was quite nice. and then we went to my house...

in my house we just talked and talked and ganged up on eric's armpits again... haha... then troy and grace drank the remy martin in my fridge...

i sent them to the bus stop and afterwards was just boring..

watched ducks 2: the mighty ducks...

another great movie!!!! it was so cool!!!

haha... quack!!

anyway, the day just became boring as usual...

i'll go eat something now... hahah..

today is just one of those days where my mood seem to fluctuate...

in the morning i was quite happy and when i went for that course, i just began to be aloof...

anyway, nothing much happened today...

just felt slovenly... ack...

to my baby g: No esté triste ya porque para uno usted no está solo... usted tiene a personas que adoran usted mucho. En segundo lugar, usted no lo debe forzar a adorar alguien que usted no adora olvidarse justo el dolor de su pasado.

don't be so sad darling... that's how life is... me daddy and zhi zhi love you very much...

this day seriously sucked coz i got my results back and i totally flunked my a-maths... shit... seriously failed...

gonna drop bio because, i hate it..

but i'm not THAT upset coz it's like my first major test so i'm still getting used to sec three life...

anyway don't think my mom'd flip about my marks...

she's just as horrible in maths as me.. *heredity has it's disadvantages*

had our class photo today and i just realized that i am the 2nd smallest girl in my class... OMG.. I'M NOT GROWING...

had height and weight check... i didn't grow but i did lose weight *not enough though...* oh the irony... i need to lose more weight... not enough is lost...

haaaa...

guan nan: kwang chung is pimplelized!! eric has hairy armpits

grace: there's a forest there with an owl

me: haha... whenever he raises his arms there's some hoot sound. (laughter)

guan nan: and there's even prehistoric animals there

for some reason we just talked about eric's armpits... o_O

anyway skipped choir again...

i totally have no intention to attend one practice until next semester

this is so... deluded...

today is such a weird day...

drank grace's weird diluted wine *wine with orange juice.... creative darling!!*

then danah cried *and it was raining... woo~! danah's tears are the rain*...

me, sammie, sudhanshi and jie were like comforting her and eventually she started laughing...

the funny thing about today is that i said a lot of things when i was comforting danah and when i was giving sammie some advice on love... and i couldn't believe that those words came from my mouth...

omg.. PINEAPPLE RICE ROCKS!!! thai food rocks

spent the day with nick and he seemed happy that i was back to my usual self... did i even change?

anyway, it was totally fun playing with him... WOOTS!!! love you babe!

watched terminator 3: return of the machines

i've said it before and i'll say it again: ARNOLD SCHWARZTENEGER IS H.O.T!!!

woots!!! today is so fun... i hope everyday is like today...

today was the longest day i've ever had...

first there was a morning run but i didn't run coz i was still sick and i didn't want to run

in punishment, mr fu made me jump 50 jumping jacks...

but then danah dragged me to some stupid course that i still skipped... *hehe*

i skipped choir also coz i needed to go for a check-up...

and then i went out with muffin.. woots!

we went to eat for a while and then he sent me home *woots! the power of a car*

haaa... and then watched terminator 2: judgement day

omg... arnold schwartzeneger is hot... he's like such a good actor!!! love him love him!!!

heheh... so bored and dying of starvation...

watching 8 simple rules...

it's supposed to be a funny show but the segment today is pretty sad...

the dad in the show died and for some effing reason, i can't stop myself from crying with the characters...

"This is so unfair."- "Nobody said that life was going to be fair"- "I know that... I know that life isn't fair but nobody said that life would be this cruel"

it's just so painful... coz i grew up without my own dad being there...

there was a moment in my life when i hated my dad for not being there...

i told myself that since he preferred to be overseas than with us, he's dead in my life...

that he erased himself from my life and i have no intention to let him in...

for a whole year i engulfed myself in that hatred and i wouldn't even talk to him when he called...

until now in fact..

but then watching that show made me realize how painful it would be to lose my dad...

the last thing i said to him was that i hated him...

what if he died and that was the last thing i ever tell him...

i would never ever be able to forgive myself...

i'd probably be kicking myself in the head for not being able to forgive...

i was about to call him but i still can't seem to get myself to take the phone and talk to him...

i just want to forgive but i just can't...

i just can't...

finally my exams are over!!!

but crap man, there's no marking days so i still have to go to school tomorrow*BUMMER!*

went to a lot of places today...

first, i accompanied peng siew and nick to buy guitar for p.s.

somewhow, for some weird reason, shaun tagged along, and when he's there, azhar is part of the package...

then jordy was there also, so no matter who came along, i was still the only girl...

so we went to aljunied to eat... the food was nice but i had food poisoning when i went home...

then we went to bugis to buy peng siew's guitar.. it was a totally wicked guitar... the guitar place was so damn nice, me and shaun were SOOOOOO tempted to buy guitars...

this is so totally unfair...

haha! i finally got to eat ice kacang after 2 years here in singapore... it's nice i guess... nick treated me horhorhor... he also bought me new strings*to replace the one he broke*

anyway, we went to shaun's house for some effing reason and then went back all the way to tampines...

shaun: eh at bus 12 let me sleep until i reach my house ok?
me: then sleep la. nobody going to talk to you anyway.
shaun: said something in hokkien i think...

HMPH! nick went to play bball with xiang so i was alone.... *kyaa.. my boyfriend wants to spend time with my ex... errrrrrr....*

ack... totally suffering from mild food poisoning...

SHITTT!!!! ms lim came back to school...

GO BACK TO YOUR COURSE LA!!!! aiyo....

ackk... i miss my baby zhi zhi and geneva...

haaa... smsed muffin and told him that i can't sms him that much coz nick is getting abit too possessive *sorry... i can't find the right word*... oh.. i mean he's getting hurt that i sms him too much...

haaa... i'm so bored...

i'll go bore myself to death..

完璧な世界で、全部が完璧で、...

私は難破船〔破滅〕のように、多分単に多分、私である...

ことがこれほど一人きりで、不必要である...と感じないで、...

決して愛されることになっていなかったと感じません...

あなたは、これまでにそれがあなたを泣かせるほどとても誰かを愛していたことがありますか？

あなたはこれまでに夜眠ることができないほど悪い何かを必要としていたことがありますか？

語を見つけるために常にあなたを試されてください　それらが正しく出て来ませんか？

あなたがこれまでにそうしたかこれまでにそうしましたか？？

あなたがこれまで愛の中にだったことがある　愛の中にだった　とても悪い？

あなたは、それらを理解させる何でもします...

これまでに離れて誰かに心をあなた盗ませた　ある　ありますか

あなたはそれらに同じものを感じさせるために何かをあきらめて頂けますか？

あなたでの常にそれらの心であなたを入手するという言葉を捜されてください

何を言うか知りませんか？

sorry... i can express myself better this way... besides... it's better if y'all dunnoe what i just said..

haa.. 1st of all HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE MOMMIES IN THE WORLD... thank you for your guidance and help...

didn't do much today except torture my mind

gave my mom flowers like i said i would and she was like so shocked*er.. is it the first time i've ever given her anything? i can't recall* but she was happy... HAHAHA!!!

been totally bummed the whole day for no reason at all...

felt so alone and distant to everybody...

haaa... this sucks...

déjeme justo solo porque yo no sé lo que hacer más conseguir alguna paz en mi mente

this sucks... i wish i would disappear from the world and relieve everybody of the burden that is me...

i just wish that... ahhh... let me type in my language: prang feel ko na hindi nman ako needed ng ibang tao so bakit pa ba ko nandito? lhat nman sila meron mga kaibigan na mas mhal nila eh... back-up lang nman ako di ba?

okkk... now i've let out all my heart-aches and burdens...

still have this heavy, hollow feeling...

私は必要とされません、それで、単に死ぬべきです

what is this hollow space where my heart used to be?

haaa... oh yeah... smsed muffin again... woots!!! i love you man! you have been such a relief to me...

this is the reason why i didn't want to let anybody know who muffin is... nick's being all emo cause of him..

he's beginning to be sad coz i won't tell him who the fuck is muffin...

i'm sorry darling... i love you but i can't tell you everything...

this is just sucky....

today we celebrated our 1st month anniversary... *woots!!*

nick went to my house and gave me a ring.... *aaaw... you shouldn't have darling... *

then we just talked and spent some time together...

he left at around half past three... it was quite upsetting to see him go...

haaaaa... another usetting thing is that i didn't even hear him say he loved me...

i mean i can tell him but for some effing reason, i am a complete and an utter coward...

tomorrow's mother's day... plannning to buy my mom a flower... hahaha...

see? i can be sweet!

kyaa... nick said azhar wants to study chem at tampines library at 11..

errr.. i still have church at that time and i want to spend time with my mama...

haaaa... i really have absolutely no idea what to type at the moment...

just finished watching nanny mcphee... it's probably the best family movie i have ever seen...

when you don't want me but need me, i'll stay... but when you want me but don't need me anymore, that is the time that i must leave...

sooooo cool... haaaaa... i'll go think about something now that goes right in my life...

woots... been blog-hoppin and saw this photo of me and ben... cool eh? dunnoe what i was doin on the last photo... we were playing with jensen's camera one sunday coz it's start-up tone is so funny...

unfortunately nobody else wanted to play..

they were too shy...

me and ben... PARTNERS-IN-CRIME... ben and jemi

hahah... love you ben!! miss you...

hahah... then found this video on my phone... it's that time at t3..

title: julian and jordy: the sugarcane with lime drink...

woots... it's so fun....

today was pretty cool...

went on a family outing.. haha with my daddy nick, my daughter grace, my baby boy zhi han.. and my adopted child, ERIC...

me: Call me "mommy"

zhi han: No way..

me: SAY IT!

zhi han: mommy..

me: YAY!!!

this was the indian family we saw on the mrt..

on the far right is this chinese guy...

zhi zhi said he's a poor thing coz he cannot resist the smell... *woots! the smell of flowers!*

fortunately, his friend came and he left the seat soon after this photo was taken...

this is my little baby boy *and his daddy*... woots! love him very much! love you my baby han..

can't see much though... he's too shy... woooo!!!

my precious baby boy!! i'll protect you with my hands... hehehe

this is my daughter and her doggie, KEVIN woots!! look how happy the two of them are!! hahaha... this is for the information of people who wonder why i love okonomiiyaki so much... FYI the photo is an okonomoiyaki... delicious eh? hahah...

we went to tampines mall and the boys ate at seoul garden while me and grace ate at pizza hut with a friend of hers we saw along the way... heheh *he treated us* Kuya Rocky, you rule..

then i bought something for someone and just smsed Muffin again... woots... i'm bombing my messages coz of him... this is so farking weird... kyaaa......

wonder what surprises await tomorrow man... oh yeah my physics paper sucked. let's hope i do better for my chem on monday.

haha.. saw nitipat cheating on danah's paper... even if it was closed... baaadd nitipat..

i love my daddy nick, my little geneva, my baby han, my bros julian and anil, my grandaddy jordy *he has a role now* and umar... and my adopted cambodian son, eric *i'm trying to be like angelina jolie... i'll adopt kids from all over the world*

for some effing reason, i can't stop blogging today... lol... i got this from the bulletins in friendster... some questions are missing but who farking cares? lol

1. Lets start with your name?- um.. Jem?
2. What do you think about smoking?- a way of cosmic *wow... big word* relief?
3. Do you open up to people easily?- i guess so. depends on who
4. Whats your favourite drink?- red iced tea
5. What is one thing you question alot?- what will i be eating later?
6. Do you lead people on?- yea i think
.7. Are you married?- like duh...
8. Have you ever told someone of theopposite sex/same sex you loved them?- =)
10. Do you miss someone?- erm...yea
12. Are you single or unavailable?-im married, right?
13. Are looks important?- like no. who freakin cares? me!haha
14. What are you wearing just now?- my fave shirt?
15. Are you mad at someone?- no.
16. Are you taking anyone for granted?- yea. i think so.
17. Where do you keep your money?-in my wallet la. that's why it's so fat now. haha
18. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?sure! that's what i usually do nyway..
19. Would you rather sleep withsomeone else or alone?- erm. depends i guess
21. When did you wake up this morning?- 5... ack... the hardships of schools
22. Quick, say a line from any song:- i pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief where i belong
23. How was your day?- ok . very slow
24. Do you live near a friend?- yea
25. Are you scared of spiders?- YES
27. Do you believe in love- er... next qstn please!
28. How old do you want to be when you have kids?- errrrr... when it comes it comes..
29. What do you know about the future?- i'll die
33. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?- yup
35. Most hated food?- peas!36. What is a major pet peeve of yours?- dogs?
37. Do you wish someone would call you?- YES. haha!
38. Do you miss your childhood?- somwhow yes.
39. What's something you wish youcould understand better?- fats!
40. If someone doesn't like you, it'susually because?- cos i don't like them as well.. HA!
41. What are you excited about?- nothing much... there's no excitement in my life
44. Have you lost friends in the past?- yea. plentiful . haha
45. What did you do four days ago?- woke up, fell sick and had a fever...

ok... this will be my last blog for today i hope... thank you... ahem

i've just been blog-hoppin * if there's such a word then yay?*

it just ocurred to me that my english usage is not that well...

from now on i will use proper english (i hope)

okkkk... ermmm... i am smsing that person again... *for reader's sakes let's call that person: MUFFIN)

well muffin has been quite a chatterbox... nice talking companion...

anyway, he's been a great relief to me...

haaa... i suddenly ran out of ideas to type..

oh yeah.. before i forget, i was planning to put something about my dream guy's characteristics *OHHHHH!!!! TOM FELTON!!!!* so that i can look back at myself next year and laugh...

• he must have nice hair *woots!*
• he must be able to care for me no matter how bitchy i may be
• if ever i make any mistakes, he'll laugh and tell me what i did wrong
• he can always make me laugh
• he must be able to finish my lines even though it's really freaky...
• no matter what happens, he must always be ready to take a challenge
• he must have a huge sense of adventure just like me or else life would be boring
• he'd never ever force me to do something i don't want to do...
• and lastly, even if we argue, he'd still love me for my idiocracy...

haaa... but then to have a guy like that would be scary... plus someone who's mr. perfect might have a rotten attitude... but still... the thought of it... *woooo*

anyway, i'm happy with my love life at the moment... i have no objections, no wishes none whatsoever... heheh

for some reason i have no intention to study physics..

haaa.. let's talk about me...

errrr... nevermind.. i'm not THAT interesting to be a topic...

hmmm.. lessee.. let's talk about how i'm feeling at the moment...

two words: DOWNRIGHT SUICIDAL

for some reason i feel alone again.. ever since that stupid dream i had everybody seemed so distant... even nick... he didn't even say how he felt yesterday.. he just got angry...

yesterday samantha's acting all attitude-effish again... i'm only her friend when it benefits her in some way...

i guess in one way or another, everybody's the same...

i've been smsing and talking to someone who people think i wouldn't be talking to *coz if i did talk to that person, nick would probably get angry and it'll just cause a misunderstanding*

for some reason that person's the only one who even bothers to listen...

haaa... i think i'm dying... this stupid cough's suffocating me in a very weird way...

oh yeah.. zhi han finally accepts that he is my son... hahah... *heart-smitten*

jeez... i'll go look for something that goes right in my life

i had e-maths paper 1 and 2 today... i guess i did ok...
(compared to my a-maths and bio paper yesterday)

it was so boring...

then we had physics lesson at 4ea classroom..

we read some funny things in their board

hahah..

KELVIN KANG IS 4EA'S RESIDENT HOBO
(and he dared to call me a lesbian)

haaa... it's so boring...

i have a flu yet again...

i've had it for a month already...

haaaaaaa... i'm talking to people i shouldn't be talking...

ok... feel like shite today..

anyway, went to t2 with nick yesterday... we went there to eat sushi

then we went to t3 and called umar*granpa!* and asked if he wanted to go t3...

he said he's going to bayshore park so we went there as well...

it was fun there... we left for a while coz i had practice at church and nick even accompanied me...

eugene, kenneth, tim chu, fabian, jensen and fiona now know who is nick...

saw kenneth and nick talking so i was a bit distracted and i kept losing my chords...

so we went back and at the bus, i fell asleep with my head n nick's shoulder and his hand an my thigh... it was so... RELAXING....

then when we arrived at bayshore park, pui ip was there..

we went down to have lunch and julian *my bro-in-law* and jordy *erm... extra guy* arrived..

then things just became fun...

we studied for a while and then went to play b-ball and soccer...

nick and me went upstairs to study...

the girls in the room left to eat dinner and then we were alone in the room...

we just talked about my exes... *i dunnoe why though*

then pui ip arrived and she thought we were doing something funny...

then umar arrived and we teased them *grandpa and grandma*

then when they left, the two girls arrived, *BUMMER!!!!*

sooooo i don't want to say what happened next... let's leave it to your imagination...

today was some old same old...

nothing much happened...

i caught the flu again... *just when i was getting better*

this reeks...

i had that dream again... the one i thought i've forgotten...

the dream where i was this monster...

in that dream i was heartbroken...

there was this man from the shadows and he consoled me...

and then he kissed me..

afterwards my "friends" came and i was in pain...

the man was saying, "come on jem, how do you feel? you can't control what's inside you!!! you've always been a monster... look at yourself!!"

true enough, when i looked at my reflection, i was like this crow demon...

i didn't want to do it but i started killing everybody... even the ones i loved...

i was so scared.. i started crying and everybody around me was calling me a monster...

i cried and i cried..

until my brother woke me up...

he said iwas whimpering and he thought something was wrong...

i'm scared.. what does that dream mean?

am i really a monster?

when i woke up at 3, i couldn't sleep anymore...

i'm scared...

I AM NOT EATING MORE THAN 5 SUSHI ANYMORE!!!!

it's freaking me out...

i'm supposed to go t3 with nick and grace...

i think grace is going to bail and nick is angry at me coz i fell asleep last night...

i'm causing too much trouble to everybody...

today is the most fun day i've ever ever had!!!

i went to east point to eat at sakae sushi with nick and eric...

we were calling alot of people to come coz it's very boring with just the three of us...

then azhar called me and said that shaun and him are coming as well...

unfortunately, nick had to go early coz he had a-maths tuition.. *(><;)*

then shaun and azhar came and he left *with a little kiss... (^^)*

then we had so much fun...

nick called me and said that ji won and her mother were coming to sakae and then azhar suddenly wanted to go to the toilet.... *i think he was constipated*

while he was taking a dump, eric and i told shaun that the two of them (ji won and her mama) would probably seat at the table in front of us...

TRUE ENOUGH, THEY DID....

the three of us were laughing like hell and then azhar called shaun...

Shaun: Ha? no, they're not here... yeah yeah yeah... come come come...

then azhar's reaction was DAMN funny...

ji won's reaction too...

after a while, azhar couldn't take it anymore and then we had to leave...

shaun and i were like, "eh azhar!!! we were very happy there man!!"

we bid ji won and her mama g'bye and went to pay the bill *$64.75*

then we just walked all over east point and started teasing azhar...

we said that the more azhar hated ji won, the more he loved her...

shaun even messsaged ji won saying that azhar wanted to apologize and he wanted to meet her at the place near old chang kee...

we were laughing our socks off...

Shaun: (to azhar) eh brother!! you never zip your pants!!! *everybody laugh hysterically* haha!!! i was looking there then suddenly i think ,"eh, what's that pink *or is it green* colour thing ah?"

damn fun and we just trash talked azhar...

good thing, he even joined in the fun and played the game as well...

it was soooooOoOOOOO!!!!! fun!!!!

haaaaa.... this day rocks...

hahahah.... bugger, now i have to study geog...

HAHA!!! I FINALLY GOT TO EAT MY OKONOMIYAKI!!!! IT WAS THE FIRST THING I ORDERED!!!
(i think i ate the most today.... haha.. hungry much?!)

nothing much happened today...

couldn't get up from my bed the whole day...

think i'm sick...

anyway nothing much happened...

read mangas *kare first love*...

didn't eat much the whole day... didn't eat at all...

i don' t really feel like myself... i'm not sure why...

*sigh* nothing much happened...

just bored myself to tears the whole day...

no excitement for me today...

*sigh* crap... i'm boring myself writing this...

i'ma go bang my head onto something...

i suddenly feel so empty

hmmm... must be hunger

THAT GIRL♣

NAME: Jemimah
Age: 19-ish
Email: ask and it shall be given
popped out of my mom on the 12th of August.
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