Wednesday, April 30, 2008 ~ 11:26 PM
my sweetest mistake.
today is probably the most fun day i've ever had...
first, my english paper and social studies paper were as easy as pie!!!
then troy, ru wei, holly and nick went to my house... *they trashed it*
nick and i strengthened our love even more...
then i left to meet zhi han and nick at tampines interchange to go to terminal 3 to study...
the funniest thing happened on the mrt to tanah merah...
i was leaning on one of those glass shit and nick was infront of me... then the mrt moved and he lost his balance and squished me!!! ZHI HAN WAS LAUGHING LIKE HELL!!!
then at terminal 3, we saw umar and pui ip at the coffee bean...
Umar: eh! you come here to study or go dating?!?!
Nick: hehe... both lah both..
me and zhi han went all over the whole t3 just to find that fucking candy empire...
he learned that i'm claustrophobic as i was panicking when we were inside the elevator....
jordy and julian arrived and me, nick, zhi han, umar, amar, and helen went to have dinner *well, they did i just kept them company.*
i was thinking about okonomiyaki the whole time... *sigh* okonomiyaki...
then there was this little boy who was laughing like hell!!!
he was just so cute!!!
after eating yogurt with pringles *you might be thinking it's disgusting but you have to try it first before you talk crap* i had to go home...
it was soooooo fun...
arrived home at around 11.25 pm... so coool!!!!!
haaa... i had fun spending time with nick and zhi han is now my little son...
speaking of zhi han and nick, they were whispering about something...
WHY DOES EVERYBODY KEEP WHISPERING BEHIND MY BACK?!?!?!?!
haaa... maybe i'll rest or something now...
tomorrow's events: LABOUR DAY!!! yuichi's birthday!! yamone's birthday!!! our 3rd week!!!! hahahhahahahahhaha...
today is definitely a red-letter day...
Tuesday, April 29, 2008 ~ 4:03 PM
my sweetest mistake.
i went to have lunch with uncle stan....we ate in sakae sushi... *yeah!!!*i was finally able to eat OKONOMIYAKI!!!okonomiyakiiiiiiii!!!!!!so so nice...uncle stan knows about nick now... i really don't care who knows...to nick: PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME SING ANYMORE!!!!
been listening to Maksim Mrvica... he play the piano very well...so outstanding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!been thinking about okonomiyaki...okonomiyaki, okonomiyaki, OKONOMIYAKI.....nick just asked me what i'd do to him if he ever got fed up with me..this is what i'd do darling:- jump off some building
- cry and cry and cry
- inhale some carbon monoxide
- cry cry and cry
- eat yogurt
- just cry...
haaa... this day is so weird...
maybe i should start studying now...
Monday, April 28, 2008 ~ 7:27 PM
my sweetest mistake.
dear God
can you hear me from up there?
can you see the tears i cry at night?
can they see me from where they stand?
or they just see past me as if i wasn't there?
people look at me but their gaze seem to go through me
i'm a ghost that walks on earth...
secondly, i am in love but i can't seem to show how much i love him
i've been selfish thinking of myself
i want to tell him how lucky i am to have met him
i love him so much...
but i don't know until what extent he loves me
i want to wrap my arms around him not giving a damn about the people around me...
finally, my sickness...
i want to cry as everyday passes as i slowly reach the end of my life...
i don't want to leave my love....
but then i'm but a dot in the world so why should you care?
God... are you scared of your creations that's why you're in heaven?
amen.
~ 6:40 PM
my sweetest mistake.
i am seriously hating my brother.. he's like damn fucking irritating...i never did anything to him and he's like screaming at me just because i don't want to tell him something...ahhhh!!! i want to strangle him!!!shit shit SHIIITT!!haaa... i was totally bummed today... bipolar depression kicking in..samantha was like ignoring me the whole day.. i was totally pissed off coz when she fight with sudhanshi, she always sticks to me, but when they get back on good terms with each other, she acts like i don't even exist...what the bloody hell am i?! a bloody back-up friend?!?! fuck...SO MUCH FOR FRIENDSHIP!!!went to school with nick today... his father went to bangkok so no papa to send him to school *yay bangkok!!!*he was so sweet today... he noticed that i wasn't myself and he tried to cheer me up... no one's ever done that...haaaa... didn't kill nitipat and tony today... *too depressed to even care about them*... wednesday... i'd definitely kill them...mum's still at work... ot ot ot OVERTIME~!!!i wonder what i'd do if nick had an affair... i'd probably kill him then myself... or maybe just myself...oh well, i guess i know if that happens...we had some stupid sexuality talk during our upper sec assembly...two words: TOTALLY AWKWARDthe woman was like talking about how to wear a condom properly...shit... i think half the upper sec guys have already been rolling those condoms onto themselves... eeeewww...kai xiang said that the talk was for me... oh haha... real mature man...i owe zhi han 2 pringles...ZHI HAN!!! I DO NOT HAVE SUFFICIENT MONEY BUT SURE... I'LL GIVE YOU 2 CANS OF PRINGLES...(that's how good i am)speaking of zhi han... he saw the "burn" on nick's neck and he and grace started laughing and then xian and xiang started laughing as well...sheesh... haven't these people ever seen a love bite? crap.. well now they have...starting of exams and i have absolutely no desire to revise my work....i have no desire or urge to study... nope... none whatsoever...i guess i'll just start tomorrow since i have no classes tomorrow...haha... MOTHER TONGUE ROCKS!!!i am currently in a depressed stage... stupid bipolar depression!!!i am now suffering from a manic-depressive illness.. experiencing manic episodes...shit shit shit... first i have THAT illness and now this... what next????!?!?!?!??!?!?!ahh.. my life is so complicated that i can't seem to keep track of what's happening to me....crap... i'll go bang my head or something...
Sunday, April 27, 2008 ~ 5:39 PM
my sweetest mistake.
I will rock you like a baby, I willCradled in my armsI will keep you safe from dangerShelter you from harm...There will never be another loverWho treats you like I doWe can drift into forever,On a love that's made for two...Dont you ever say this love's not special,Dont you ever think it's not essential..I was only thinkin of youHopin you were thinkin of meTwo hearts beating just like oneAgainst the world...I am always dreamin of youHopin you are dreamin of meI could never liveOne day without your love...I will kiss you like an angel, babyCradled in my wingsI will take you up to heavenShow you precious things...If you promise that you love meIf you promise that you careI will be here for you alwaysAnd forever this I swear...Dont you ever say this love's not special,Dont you ever think it's not essential..I was only thinkin of youHopin you were thinkin of meTwo hearts beating just like oneAgainst the world...I am always dreamin of youHopin you are dreamin of meI could never live one dayWithout your love...Though you say you want a loveBut you dont think you believe it,Just open up your heartAnd you know you will receive it...
~ 4:37 PM
my sweetest mistake.
i feel like crap.....haaaa...no mood to study...exams are coming but i'm still slacking...haaa... what to do what to do....on that road, no one walkedthere are houses, yes, and lights from their windowsbut no one is walking at this roadas i looked from one of the windowsthere we people but they already had someone special with themi looked into other houses alsothe people in them also had their special someone with thembecause being with someone special is funmuch more fun than being with other peopleso no one comes outside anymoreno one walks on this roadi am going on a journeyi will go to another townwishing that someone would find mebut if the one for me would fall for me..that would be the moment i and that one would have to separatebut still, i want to meet the one who is right for methinking that i depart again on the road no one walks on...i found this compo on one paper in my old diary... can't remember who it was intended for but i know i wrote it last year...i found the one for me and that's nick...we don't ever need t separate though...we're stuck with each other...let's take it one day at a time darling...i know we can make it through...
~ 3:50 PM
my sweetest mistake.
for no reason at all i just suddenly decided to introduce my class..chen hong- fun girl... a bit blur at times but a good friend...qi feng- my "jie jie".. very very cute!! *ms apple*cynthia- quite quiet but very very fun to be withsudhanshi- one of my good friends... smart and reliabledanah- most likely to be the life of the class... without her, the class is so boring.. my fiance? my granma? not sure which one..ji won- ms korea... very very adorable... love pinching her cheeks.. hates azharsamantha- my freeloader spanish boyfriend "FERNANDO".. super duper fun... haha... my companion everyday...vanessa- my new friend... super smart and super kind...yin chia- MY HUSBAND!!!! most adorable person i knowjin hyeok- my mr sexy... very funny... you'll laugh just by looking at his face *note: expressionless*cheng hao- most of the time i don't know what the bloody hell is he saying but he's my foolscap provider... hehehe...samuel- hardly talk to him but he is very nice... always with tony and jin hyeok... so bonded togethernitipat- we hate each other... i love to bully him, he loves to bully me.. but he always asks me to do his elearning for him...nick- well, he's my best friend, the best of the best... and i love him very very much...eric- another one of my good friends.. a bit pervertic every now and then but he's all talk and no action...azhar- most likely to be the only person i can relate to... he's a bit wacked but very very fun to be with.. hates ji won, chen hong, and nitipatyuichi- haha... one of my closest friends... my jap teacher... he's quite smart... his english is very fluent but a bit anti-sociable...de wei- my seatmate for 2 weeks... quite a talker... we have a lot of things to talk about.. hehetony- i'm going to kill him.. he's a bit rude at times *attitude-effish* but there's probably a sweet side to him somewhere...xu le- don't talk to her much but she seems niceruohan- a little bit too quiet but a nice person to talk to...hehehe.... so yeah that's my class... a bit weird at times but we're bnded *somehow*...totally bored... gonna die soon... dying of complete boredom...
~ 2:25 AM
my sweetest mistake.
i don't feel the emptiness anymore...and it's all because of nick...TO NICK:i may not be the best girlfriend you've ever had but i try to be the best i can be... i'm sorry for all those times that i didn't look for your hand when i needed help... i'm sorry for making mistakes that hurt you even more than it did me... i'm sorry for being the burden that i am to you... but i want you to know that i will always love you no matter what...you told me that you'd be there for me anytime, anywhere...i'm sorry for ever doubting the love that you had for me...you've always been the giving one...you don't mind being sad because of me, you don't mind feeling pain that you shouldn't feel..you were always there for me from the beginning until the end...you never left my side and you were watching over me...i'm sorry if i didn't realize that i didn't need to look far to be loved...i'm sorry if i've always been selfish...you said that i should remember that no matter what happens, there'll always be a guy to love me...for now.. i'm happy to be where i am... in your arms where i belong....i love you nick and noone can ever change that...i'm sorry if i just realized it now...i don't regret knowing you.. because loving you just made me feel even more whole...i'm not that good with words but i hope that explained everything....
Saturday, April 26, 2008 ~ 11:03 PM
my sweetest mistake.
i feel even more down than before...there's this hollow feeling in my chest and i don't know why it's therei called nick and then i heard them laughing... then the hollow feeling became bigger...it became bigger until i cannot breathe anymore...they were all so happy while i was being engulfed in this emptiness in my heart...i hang up because 1. i was disturbing nick 2. i couldn't listen to all their laughter while i was sinking away to emptiness...i felt like crying... nick regretted coming to my house...enough to break me to pieces...i felt like crying but for reasons i don't even know...i still feel the emptiness now...it's eating me up inside...it's draining me of my happiness...ahhhhh... i'll just let myself sink into my loneliness and unknown sorrow...
~ 8:44 PM
my sweetest mistake.
guffaw...i feel bummed...well darling, this is my song to you:i had a feelingthat you're holding my heartand i know that it is trueyou wouldn't let it be broken apartcoz it's much to dear to youforever we'll be togetherno one can break us apartfor our love will truly bea wonderful smile in your heartwhen the night comesand i'm keeping your hearthow i feel so much more secureyou wouldn't let me close my eyesso i can see you through and throughyou're a sweet tender loverwe are so much in lovei'm not afraid when you're far awayjust give me a smile in your heartCHORUS:you brighten my dayshowin me my directionyou're comin to meand givin me inspirationhow can i ask for morefrom you my dearmaybe just a smile in your hearti'm always dreamin of bein in lovebut now i know that this is truesince you came into my lifeit' tue love that i had foundi pray that you wouldn't leave mewhatever may come alongbut if you do i won't feel so badjust give me a smile in your heart...my dar dar... you know who you are... i love you very much and i'm lucky to have you as my own...
~ 8:31 PM
my sweetest mistake.
DING DONG---1st of all my butt hurts so i'm in a very uncomfortable state now...nick went to my house today and we "studied"... *period*i had a very nice time but i kind of spoiled the mood at the end..sorry love... just wasn't ready... after exams... i'm sorry...haaa... he's in t3 now with julian, grace and zhi han and other people...he's probably having fun there... i'm stuck in hell... *my house*it's so boring here...my brother's playing his POKEMON game... damn pathetic...i want to hold him tight again like before... but it seems like he's slipping from my grip... i'm floating in a river of tears as he left to say goodbye... my heart tore into two but i had no recollection of what happened... both our hearts pounded at the same rhythmn, making our song... but i still feel like i should've given him what he wanted... he always gave me what i want but i can't sustain him... i want to hold him close-- yet he still slips away...i feel so sad now... tired, sad and i have sore eyes...i'm in love but he deserves better than me...i love him so much... nevermind nevermind...i will try to make him happy even if it means putting aside my own happiness...if he's happy then i'm happy...i'm happy that nick's my boyfriend...he makes me feel like i'm the luckiest person on earth...to all the people who dare make fun of me and him-- SCREW YOU.. GO TO HELL... i love him soooooo much...but does he feel the same?
Friday, April 25, 2008 ~ 7:33 PM
my sweetest mistake.
this should be the last entry for todaY..just arrived home from east coast park... *x-country*didn't run my 2.4 but still got tanned *took photos*anyway, before going to ecp went to cafe with nick and erichad fun there... ate lasagna and shared with nick...eric (to me): you go kiss himnick: cannot lah (leaning towards me)eric: can lah!!!nick: cannot lah! (then kisses me)burned myself and fell down face flat while taking video of the runners...haaaa...i have a lot of problems and i don't know how to solve them...i went home with nick and sat beside him...then i did something to him that made me think that i was rushing our relationship...we agreed to do it one day at a time but i just wanted to rush...i wanted to punish myself so now i won't eat...I WON'T EAT!i dunnoe how exactly that punishes me but i like it...that way, i'll lose some weight... nick said i'm fat.....i am a fat girl who's world revolves around my butt...*exasperated sigh* i feel... USELESS...oh yeah... nick's keeping something from me... he and eric were like whispering about something...i'm naturally curious so i can't help but think what it is...haaa... i wonder what it is...ok...i will try to figure out what is that...kelvin: there's a mosquito on your faceme: don't have!kelvin: got!! there! (points to my nose)me: (brushes off something from my nose) oh yeahh.. there WAS a mosquito on my nose...i don't know who to believe anymore...is everybody lying to me? is everybody the same as everyone else?i want to hear nick tell me that he love me.. i don't know why... i just want to hear him say those words...i'm very sensitive today... i don't know why...i miss a lot of people...i'm hollow...
~ 9:53 AM
my sweetest mistake.
hello people...currently in school...english lesson just ended so i have free time....mother tongue lesson now... DAMN BORING!!!sitting beside sudhanshi who's using danah's com...haha... samantha totally lied to me..she said she wanted to go cafe with me but totally blew me off..haa.. so much for friendship duckie...anyway, really bored...khoi is asking to watch porn...GO AND DIE KHOI...stupid horny boy...hahaha... he's reading this blog but i so totally don't care...i miss my darling... haaaa...he went for chinese lesson while I'm stuck here in hell...so bored!!!xxxok after a long time of boredom and eric's sneezing i have decided to stay bored...nothing to do right now..still hate HER...Khoi: WATCH PORN!!!!!!Me: NOOOOOO!!!!!haaa.. so bored..been listening to Silverstein's STILL DREAMING... rockin song...it's my song to my hunnieee... hahah..anyway, still have nothing to do...haaa... i'm bullied by khoi because i won't let him watch porn...anyway, i dunnoe what to do anymore...ok... now going to entertain the hong kong teachers...
~ 7:37 AM
my sweetest mistake.
ok.. haven't updated in two days...
nothing much happened..
grace and nick went to my house...
we ate cup noodles *cheapskate*
and played truth or dare...
NOT GONNA SAY WHAT HAPPENED EXCEPT THAT IT WAS FUN
nick broke the string of my guitar.. *T_T*
now i have to buy a packet of new strings...
waaahhh.. no money no money..
currently in school..
nick is poking me...
eric is watching porn *the usual stuff*
haa... going changi airport with grace and zhi han tomorrow..
haha.. *food spree!!!*
so boring man...
people arriving..
update again later...
hahahhaa..
Tuesday, April 22, 2008 ~ 7:59 PM
my sweetest mistake.
You're in my arms
And all the world is gone
The music playing on
For only two
So close together
And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive
A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye
And never knew
So close was waiting
Waiting here with you
And now, forever, I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close
So close to reaching
That famous happy end
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Now you're beside me
And look how far we've come
So far
We are
So close...
Oh, how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We're so close to reaching
That famous happy end
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Let's go on dreaming
Though we know we are
So close
So close, and still
So far...
~ 5:57 PM
my sweetest mistake.
today was pretty normal...nick sat beside me the whole day...
i was pretty tired and giddy the whole time...
i had a fever this morning but i still went to school..
nothing nice happened today...
slept on nick's shoulder when we went home...
took a lot of cute photos of doodles danah drew during bio...
seriously feel like crap today...
i could hardly even stay awake for even one lesson...
haaaa... this sucks...
this day feels weird...
i'm but a small voice...
trying to say the words that i'm not used to saying..
i love the way your eyes shut whenever we kiss..
i love the way you say my name...
my heart pounds to the rhythm of yours...
whenever i'm with you,
you take me to a place where i never want to leave...
with you,
i'm in my deepest dream i don't ever want to wake up...
i'm but a small voice..
but i hope you can hear what i'm trying to say..
I LOVE YOU...
Monday, April 21, 2008 ~ 9:28 PM
my sweetest mistake.
ok.. after i wrote my last blog, nick called and apologized and said that it was wrong for him to laugh at me...
i shoved everything aside and told him that i didn't care...
he called me and we talked for hours... it was the best phone call i've ever had..
in the end we said our i love yous and hang up...
it was the same the next morning...
yesterday i was abit down but i had no absolute idea why
even the people from my youth noticed it and they were all so mother hen-like with me...
it was just so weird that nothing could cheer me up..
and then he called and i felt quite happy...
after we hung up, i started to feel depressed again...
same goes for this morning...
i was like so tired the whole day.. *not to mention cold.. freezing cold*
i had chest pains the whole day but i didn't mind it..
at the end of the day, i was so tired i fell asleep on my chair...
and then, nick kissed me...
it was like sleeping beauty when she woke up from her sleep...
then i walked all over the room like i was some huge idiot and he pulled me close and pushed me to the wall and we kissed again...
it was the longest kiss we've ever had... not to mention the most intimate one...
then i smiled and walked and he hugged me from behind...
i loved that hug and that last kiss coz it was just so spontaneous...
i just fell even more in love with him...
now qi feng know also...
haaa... i loved every moment...
then in the bus i was a bit upset coz he didn't hold my hand until like 2 stops before the interchange...
but at least i still got to hold it...
i was like flirting with him the whole day.. didn't think he noticed though...
*i suck at flirting*
anyway, so that's how my day was...
wish everyday was like today..
romantic and spontaneous...
wish i'd wake up soon... i'm tired most of the time...
i feel like i'm sooo.... downn...
Saturday, April 19, 2008 ~ 6:54 PM
my sweetest mistake.
just arrived from school *annual awards day*
went to school with nick..
on the bus he asked me something and i wanted to laugh because he didn't need my permission to do anything he wants...
at school, everybody was like rats scurvying for food..
everyone was in rush mode trying to get everything in tiptop shape before the guest of honor arrived..
the students from Foo Yew High School arrived and the guys were quite cute.. *hahah.. managed to look at them up close*
then i had lunch with nick, eric, jin hyeok and nitipat...
that's when everything ruined my day..
nitipat was like, "why are you here? you have no friends in choir that's why you're here right? you don't have any friends.. hahaha!!!"
then he added, "where's holly? there? you see? she got new friends so you don't have anymore friends!!!"
then to add insult to injury when nick asked why i wasn't wearing any make-up yet, nitipat said, "aiya.. you wear or don't wear make-up you're still not pretty..."
it was like... so hurtful when he said those words...
it totally ruined my day.. i was like so depressed the whole day..
i did fine with my emceeing though...
but at the end of the celebration, i saw nick leaving so i went to him then nitipat once again said, "why are you here? no friends ah?"
then when i told him that i wanted to say g'bye to nick, eric, and jin hyeok he said, "haha.. you see? she no friend so she has to be the one to come here coz she got nobody"
then all four of them laughed at me coz i was wearing make-up...
i just wanted to cry at that moment...
crying now to be in fact..
now my mom is angry at me...
i just want to kill myself because everything is just falling apart...
today was supposed to be the best day i have this month...
but instead, it turned out to be the worst..
Friday, April 18, 2008 ~ 7:34 PM
my sweetest mistake.
this morning the moment i woke up i knew something was going to happen...
i did my usual morning routine and headed for school...
in the bus, nick surprisingly smsed me asking where i was..
surprising coz he never or rarely sms me in the morning..
i told him that i was on my way to school...
he said he was at the classroom...
so when i arrived at school, i went up the stairs of doom and headed to my class..
he was sitting at his usual place and we just talked...
i sat at the teacher's table and he suddenly asked me if he could hug me..
i found it quite funny coz after all, he is my bf and he doesn't need my permission for a hug..
i told him it was ok and he told me that it was too much in plain sight because the front door was open..
so i sat at vanessa's table... he didn't like it there so i sat at the table beside chen hong's table...
he asked me why i liked to sit on people tables..
i was about to tell him that i found it comfortable but he cut me off with a kiss..
he wrapped his arms around my waist and it was just... BOOM! fireworks..
i dunnoe how long we kissed but i knew i stopped to catch my breath..
we went to the canteen where we always sat in the morning and as usual, kwang chung was there... *the little bugger*
then the usual friday schedule continued..
after english lesson he told me that ji won knew..
i don't really give a fuck even if the whole school knew...
as long as he doesn't mind then i won't..
that's what love's about...
putting the other person's happiness before your own...
i think i read it somewhere haha..
so yeah today was just fireworks and biology...
Thursday, April 17, 2008 ~ 8:39 PM
my sweetest mistake.
today was very very... ROMANTIC...
our school ended at 3. 15 so i had free time..
i went back to my class and i went back to my class at the fourth floor
*stairs of pain and torture*
then eric and nick were inside so i came to get my e-maths book and talked to them..
after a few minutes i went to sit beside nick..
he was busy doing his a-maths hw so i didn't disturb him..
then eric left so it was just me and him in the room..
there was like this defeaning silence there..
he went to his table for the day and i followed..
he talked in hushed tones and before we left the class, i did it...
i gathered up the courage in me and i kissed him...
while i was kissing him i was like, "this is it... i love you so much..."
i dunnoe but there was just fireworks..
like fourth of july fireworks, like new year's eve..
it was just magical..
we like kissed for a minute or so then i turned and motioned to leave..
we met eric again at the bus stop so we went to pizza hut to eat..
it was fun.. we had a very fun conversation..
then we just walked around tampines mall and century square..
so we all went home afterwards..
i still recall that moment up until now..
i can never look at my classroom the same way again..
this was very very fun..
gonna do it again sometime.. the thrill is just so enchanting..
but the moment's even more enchanting with him..
Wednesday, April 16, 2008 ~ 5:24 PM
my sweetest mistake.
today was just... unusual..
i only went for two subjects today..
Chemistry and Physics only
i helped to tour those students from China..
they were quite nice.. so so..
going to have lessons with them..
Nick told me he loved me today..
like he SAID he loved me..
was shocked then i became happy
then i fell asleep (-___-)
went home with him.. *sort of*
*sigh* going to kill that nitipat tiyapanitkun tomorrow...
going to kill tony also..
die die die!!!
today was pretty normal...