On Wednesday morning at 4.05 am, Jia Wei passed away because of a motorcycle accident. When I heard about that at first I was like "No, shit?". Upon realizing that he was indeed gone, I shivered. He was gone? I just talked to him a month before and it sucked that the last words I said to him were "JW, can you pay me back?".

I can't help but kick myself over what I've said. It got me thinking about how I met him and all. It wasn't anything special. I was in our 4EA class when this bugger asked me for 50 cents. I thought it was amusing that this guy who I didn't even know much about had the guts to ask me for 50 cents.

Eventually it became a habit and he eventually asked about $5.00 worth of 50 cents. I can't really remember how it happened but because of that we got to know each other.

We started messaging each other while I was at work and after work we'd meet up to go and drink. He made me change the way I thought about him (I thought he was an ah beng but not really an ah beng). I enjoyed his company and other stuff.

He was there for my 19th birthday and it was fun.

We eventually fell apart because of some $$ loans to him. It sucks that because of that we didn't talk much anymore.

I can't tell how much I'd miss him, his cheekiness, his smiles, his stories and everything. How I'd miss laughing at his weird comments and stories.

I know you can see that everybody who cares about you is in pain but I know you're in a better place now. I know that you'll always be missed and will always be remembered. You're not exactly that kind of person who's easily forgotten. You make sure that people remember you for something you said, your personality and the way people feel happy being around you. Rest in peace.

My week, in a nutshell, has been truly eventful. CNY finally came so as always, went to work (double pay, ka-ching!). The only difference this year is that I actually celebrated CNY. correction: I was invited to celebrate CNY by KM. It was really an awesome experience to say the least. I had such a fun time meeting his maternal side of the family. I have officially met his entire family! (okay maybe not all, but somewhere there). It was truly amazing.

I'm happy at the rate we're going. I feel like it's really serious this time round.

*sigh* I don't know why but I'm watching Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane. It's a show I'd watch if I was an apparel designer. But it's okay. I'm kind of enjoying the show. Gives me inspiration for stuff.

These days I feel like I'm retreating in my own hole slowly again. I'll figure it all out, somehow.

I can't be what people expect me to be. Everybody expects too much. My mom just insulted my designing (as if she can do any better). It breaks my heart whenever she does that because I am doing my best already. I've practically strained myself for almost a year, juggling work and school and home shit. SCREW MY LIFE.

The upside of my month is my Italian lesson. Seriously, like seriously enjoy it. It's a difficult language but it's very fun to know. HAHA. Cheering myself up sucks.

I can't really say much except i seriously feel like shooting myself in the head now. Like, "Put the gun into hand, pull the trigger now I'm dead". SHIT. I've been watching GLEE reruns the whole days so I'm literally Glee-ful. (lame, i know)

I am watching a Bon Jovi concert in Madison Square Garden on TV. Haha. I JUST LOVE JON BON JOVI. HE MAYBE OLD BUT HE MAKES MY HEART SCREAM~

So 24th, blah blah blah. Same stuff happened. Same old Christmas traditions. My mom and I agreed that every other year, we'll switch roles on who will cook our Christmas dinner. Since I cooked last year, she cooked this year (not that she had a choice since I was working that day). I RECEIVED AN OVEN AS A PRESENT!!! After 19 years, I finally had an oven!~ <3

So Saturday! I went to Bishan to meet him and I went to his house to meet his family. It was like the most nerve-wracking experience I have ever ever EVER had! Despite my nerves, his family was in fact gave me a warm welcome. His mom was like, "Welcome to the family!". I was shocked yet simultaneously flattered. His family was awesome. I seriously enjoyed spending time with them.

*sigh* And so the dilemma continues. Time and time again I wonder whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I didn't mean to go this far. Everything's a mess now. I really have no idea what to do. I'm searching for answers but all I get is more questions.

*sigh* This past two weeks has truly sucked. Even my own hamster refuses my presence. LIKE WHAT THE HELL!! If even animals don't like me then I'm at the lowest of the low. I swear I have been sick over and over again. I'm doing stuff I used to before every single day.

I can actually tell you how it feels like to smile on the outside and fall apart inside. I call it my business smile. I haven't eaten properly in days, I haven't slept properly in weeks. I'm always so angry all the time. I feel like just ending it all now.

I'm not strong enough anymore. Too many things have happened over the past two weeks. I can't take it all. I know I should rise up from all these shit and fuck ups but I can't. I can't find a reason to rise up, a purpose, a goal. I'm weak, I'm nothing.

Yesterday was the lowest point I've had so far. Long story short, I screwed up and now I'm nothing more than a mistake to my mom. Big whoop. What's new? *sigh*

I really hope I can cheer myself up soon. It's so depressing to keep posting such depressing posts. *BIG sigh*

Come on, karma do your job! I've done alot of bad things in my life that's enough to wipe off the face of the planet!

I've had to say goodbye a lot of times before. Some easier than others. This goodbye is probably the hardest, and most painful of them all. You may be reading this, maybe you're not. Either way, I just wanted to be finally truthful about how I've been feeling this week.

My week has been hell. Everywhere I go, I think of you. Everything I touch, you come to mind. Every song I hear, reminds me of you. It hurts. It really really hurts. I wish I could pretend that everything was just a dream but just as I'm about to start believing myself, reality pulls be back again.

I curse the star that made my wish come true and took it back again.

Do you know what I do every night for the past week? I cry myself to sleep thinking of what has been and what could've been. I wish I was angry at you but I just can't be. How could I? You did nothing wrong. These past few days I've done nothing but blame myself for everything yet the pain still won't go away. What can I do to make things right? What did I do wrong?

I wanted to tell you the other day that I thought she was lucky, she was lucky because she had your love, your sincerity, she had you. I, on the other hand, have nothing but myself. There has never been a time that I never wished I was her. I feel like I'm going to crawl into a ball anytime because I clutch myself when I cry since I don't have anybody else to cry to.

What if you never said okay? What if we just stayed like we were before? What if. . Maybe I won't have this empty feeling inside of me, maybe I wouldn't be thinking of ending my life, maybe I won't even be doing things to end my life, maybe I wouldn't feel so suffocated at home with all your memories, maybe I wouldn't be going to school and smiling so hard just to stop myself from crying. It's a lot of maybes and what ifs.

I wish I can get over you just as fast as you got over me.

If I died maybe things will be easier for you.

In a weird, twisted way, I somehow was able to pull through and finish one of my reports for MatNPro. 1 left!!! PUSH ON!!

Watching people walk about the airport is rather fascinating in a weird way. As I've mentioned, it's only 4 am and there's a number of people here already to check in to their flights. My legs are cramping up, I'm feeling so damn cold, my teeth are aching, but I still have the energy to try to finish my HCD report. The problem is whether I'd actually be able to concentrate enough to do it.

Currently listening to songs in Youtube. Current video playing: Always- Bon Jovi. *squeal* BON JOVI MAKES MY HEART MELT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Next song: ONE OF US- GLEE VERSION. This song is freaking awesome.

What if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us?

Just like a stranger on a bus,

Trying to make His way home?

I always knew that someday all these will end. By not saying anything, you've explained everything in the clearest way possible. Let's just continue this facade. I prefer to fool myself entirely. Go figure.

I am seriously freaking cold. No joke. I am shaking like hell.