My bLoGGG!!

Goodbye Jia Wei

2011-11-11T17:20:00.004+08:00

It's been a long time since I've posted something.

On Wednesday morning at 4.05 am, Jia Wei passed away because of a motorcycle accident. When I heard about that at first I was like "No, shit?". Upon realizing that he was indeed gone, I shivered. He was gone? I just talked to him a month before and it sucked that the last words I said to him were "JW, can you pay me back?".

I can't help but kick myself over what I've said. It got me thinking about how I met him and all. It wasn't anything special. I was in our 4EA class when this bugger asked me for 50 cents. I thought it was amusing that this guy who I didn't even know much about had the guts to ask me for 50 cents.

Eventually it became a habit and he eventually asked about $5.00 worth of 50 cents. I can't really remember how it happened but because of that we got to know each other.

We started messaging each other while I was at work and after work we'd meet up to go and drink. He made me change the way I thought about him (I thought he was an ah beng but not really an ah beng). I enjoyed his company and other stuff.

He was there for my 19th birthday and it was fun.

We eventually fell apart because of some $$ loans to him. It sucks that because of that we didn't talk much anymore.

I can't tell how much I'd miss him, his cheekiness, his smiles, his stories and everything. How I'd miss laughing at his weird comments and stories.

Toh Jia Wei, wherever you are, I hope you're happy.

I know you can see that everybody who cares about you is in pain but I know you're in a better place now. I know that you'll always be missed and will always be remembered. You're not exactly that kind of person who's easily forgotten. You make sure that people remember you for something you said, your personality and the way people feel happy being around you. Rest in peace.

fool's tears.

2011-02-06T16:30:00.003+08:00

Once again I'm stuck in the middle, unable to say what I want to say.

My week, in a nutshell, has been truly eventful. CNY finally came so as always, went to work (double pay, ka-ching!). The only difference this year is that I actually celebrated CNY. correction: I was invited to celebrate CNY by KM. It was really an awesome experience to say the least. I had such a fun time meeting his maternal side of the family. I have officially met his entire family! (okay maybe not all, but somewhere there). It was truly amazing.

I'm happy at the rate we're going. I feel like it's really serious this time round.

*sigh* I don't know why but I'm watching Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane. It's a show I'd watch if I was an apparel designer. But it's okay. I'm kind of enjoying the show. Gives me inspiration for stuff.

These days I feel like I'm retreating in my own hole slowly again. I'll figure it all out, somehow.

SHITSHITSHITSHIT

2011-01-25T22:04:00.002+08:00

This is one of those days that I feel like pulling my hair out, regrowing it again just to pull them out all over.

I can't be what people expect me to be. Everybody expects too much. My mom just insulted my designing (as if she can do any better). It breaks my heart whenever she does that because I am doing my best already. I've practically strained myself for almost a year, juggling work and school and home shit. SCREW MY LIFE.

The upside of my month is my Italian lesson. Seriously, like seriously enjoy it. It's a difficult language but it's very fun to know. HAHA. Cheering myself up sucks.

I can't really say much except i seriously feel like shooting myself in the head now. Like, "Put the gun into hand, pull the trigger now I'm dead". SHIT. I've been watching GLEE reruns the whole days so I'm literally Glee-ful. (lame, i know)

Life goes on and on, but I don't.

Kissmas time

2010-12-26T19:41:00.002+08:00

1st of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I am watching a Bon Jovi concert in Madison Square Garden on TV. Haha. I JUST LOVE JON BON JOVI. HE MAYBE OLD BUT HE MAKES MY HEART SCREAM~

This Christmas is truly one of a kind.

This whole week I've been working daily to be able to earn enough to buy presents for everybody. I even bought presents for the Ruyi staff (some of them anyway). So Friday, he sent me to work. Quite happy when he did that. =)

So 24th, blah blah blah. Same stuff happened. Same old Christmas traditions. My mom and I agreed that every other year, we'll switch roles on who will cook our Christmas dinner. Since I cooked last year, she cooked this year (not that she had a choice since I was working that day). I RECEIVED AN OVEN AS A PRESENT!!! After 19 years, I finally had an oven!~ <3

So Saturday! I went to Bishan to meet him and I went to his house to meet his family. It was like the most nerve-wracking experience I have ever ever EVER had! Despite my nerves, his family was in fact gave me a warm welcome. His mom was like, "Welcome to the family!". I was shocked yet simultaneously flattered. His family was awesome. I seriously enjoyed spending time with them.

*sigh* And so the dilemma continues. Time and time again I wonder whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I didn't mean to go this far. Everything's a mess now. I really have no idea what to do. I'm searching for answers but all I get is more questions.

Bullshit.

2010-11-27T00:50:00.002+08:00

When was the last time I never thought of killing myself??

*sigh* This past two weeks has truly sucked. Even my own hamster refuses my presence. LIKE WHAT THE HELL!! If even animals don't like me then I'm at the lowest of the low. I swear I have been sick over and over again. I'm doing stuff I used to before every single day.

I can actually tell you how it feels like to smile on the outside and fall apart inside. I call it my business smile. I haven't eaten properly in days, I haven't slept properly in weeks. I'm always so angry all the time. I feel like just ending it all now.

I'm not strong enough anymore. Too many things have happened over the past two weeks. I can't take it all. I know I should rise up from all these shit and fuck ups but I can't. I can't find a reason to rise up, a purpose, a goal. I'm weak, I'm nothing.

Yesterday was the lowest point I've had so far. Long story short, I screwed up and now I'm nothing more than a mistake to my mom. Big whoop. What's new? *sigh*

I really hope I can cheer myself up soon. It's so depressing to keep posting such depressing posts. *BIG sigh*

Come on, karma do your job! I've done alot of bad things in my life that's enough to wipe off the face of the planet!

Goodbyes.

2010-11-21T00:09:00.006+08:00

It hurts, this beating heart of mine.

I've had to say goodbye a lot of times before. Some easier than others. This goodbye is probably the hardest, and most painful of them all. You may be reading this, maybe you're not. Either way, I just wanted to be finally truthful about how I've been feeling this week.

My week has been hell. Everywhere I go, I think of you. Everything I touch, you come to mind. Every song I hear, reminds me of you. It hurts. It really really hurts. I wish I could pretend that everything was just a dream but just as I'm about to start believing myself, reality pulls be back again.

I curse the star that made my wish come true and took it back again.

Do you know what I do every night for the past week? I cry myself to sleep thinking of what has been and what could've been. I wish I was angry at you but I just can't be. How could I? You did nothing wrong. These past few days I've done nothing but blame myself for everything yet the pain still won't go away. What can I do to make things right? What did I do wrong?

I wanted to tell you the other day that I thought she was lucky, she was lucky because she had your love, your sincerity, she had you. I, on the other hand, have nothing but myself. There has never been a time that I never wished I was her. I feel like I'm going to crawl into a ball anytime because I clutch myself when I cry since I don't have anybody else to cry to.

What if you never said okay? What if we just stayed like we were before? What if. . Maybe I won't have this empty feeling inside of me, maybe I wouldn't be thinking of ending my life, maybe I won't even be doing things to end my life, maybe I wouldn't feel so suffocated at home with all your memories, maybe I wouldn't be going to school and smiling so hard just to stop myself from crying. It's a lot of maybes and what ifs.

I wish I can get over you just as fast as you got over me.

If I died maybe things will be easier for you.

I looked at you

2010-11-13T03:55:00.002+08:00

It's 4 am and I'm still in the airport.

In a weird, twisted way, I somehow was able to pull through and finish one of my reports for MatNPro. 1 left!!! PUSH ON!!

Watching people walk about the airport is rather fascinating in a weird way. As I've mentioned, it's only 4 am and there's a number of people here already to check in to their flights. My legs are cramping up, I'm feeling so damn cold, my teeth are aching, but I still have the energy to try to finish my HCD report. The problem is whether I'd actually be able to concentrate enough to do it.

Currently listening to songs in Youtube. Current video playing: Always- Bon Jovi. *squeal* BON JOVI MAKES MY HEART MELT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Next song: ONE OF US- GLEE VERSION. This song is freaking awesome.

What if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us?

Just like a stranger on a bus,

Trying to make His way home?

I always knew that someday all these will end. By not saying anything, you've explained everything in the clearest way possible. Let's just continue this facade. I prefer to fool myself entirely. Go figure.

I am seriously freaking cold. No joke. I am shaking like hell.

What if I told you?

2010-11-12T23:51:00.002+08:00

Currently in the airport trying to start on my HCD project and obviously failing terribly.

There's been alot of things in my mind lately. No matter how much I try to think about those particular stuff, I just become more depressed. *sigh* Well, what's the point of complaining here? Everybody will just think I'm trying to get somebody else's sympathy.

*sigh* My days has been rather hectic with MatNPro (Materials and Processes) presentation (assignment 1) preparation. I was in the same group as Jarron, Hantong and Mairah. It was errrr, an rather unforgettable experience I guess. Today (meaning Friday), was supposed to be our presentation day. But since most of the other groups came late, our lecturer had his PMS moment and stomped out of the class 30 mins after it started. It was rather understandable that he'd be pissed off but still. ALL THAT HARD WORK FOR NOTHING.

Now at T1 Ruyi actually. It's now 24 hours and thankfully, Robin's the one in charge so I can slack here for as long as I want. I'm here and I seriously cannot get my brain to function. JUST TYPE SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE JEM!!!! OMGRAWR!

Realized alot of things this week: relationship-wise, school-wise, all that she-bang. Everything is seriously becoming so screwed up. Unfortunately I'm losing my mind bit by bit already. I'm doing what I've been doing before all over again. That pain, that sense of numbness, it's all coming back to me. *sigh* I don't know whether it's because I'm tired but I'm feeling rather emotional at the moment. Screw this shit. Just shoot me and everything will all be over in an instant.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU WHAT WAS REALLY GOING ON, NO MORE MASK AND NO MORE PARTS TO PLAY, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK?

2 months.

2010-10-22T11:33:00.003+08:00

2 MONTHS AND STILL STRONG.

Haven't been updating much coz I seriously don't know what else there is to type. My week, in a nutshell, has been nothing but a bore. Been working breakfast at OPH with Ho-chan. FREAKING FUN! =D Been watching videos of Jeff Dunham and Russell Peters in Youtube as well.

I was reading some of my posts a few minutes ago. I just realized I had better usage of English then. DAMN IT. OH YEAH!!! I FOUND OUT THAT I'LL BE HAVING ITALIAN AS MY CDS FOR NEXT SEM. Opted for Jap (easy pass) but unfortunately got Italian instead. Well I guess it'd be nice to learn some other language as well.

Well it's Friday meaning BOOK OUT!!! YAAAAAAAAAAY! Currently bombarding my ears with load music so as to avoid hearing the thunder. I MISS MY DEAR~ Yesterday was our 2ND month. WEE~

I just realized some stuff regarding him. He's the first boyfriend I've had that I brought home to meet my mom. He's the first boyfriend I've had who actually had dinner with my family. He's the first boyfriend I've had that my mom approves off. LIKE SERIOUSLY! SHE SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY LIKES HIM!!

I have no complaints being with him. Other people are like asking how I'm holding up with him being in NS and blah. Contrary to what they believe, I'm quite fine. Sure I feel lonely every now and then but as they say, "ABSENCE MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER" and seriously, not seeing him for 6 days (Sunday included) makes my heart SO MUCH FONDER! I can honestly say that I really am happy.

*sigh* So hungry. . . Can't wait to see you again.

blah blah.

2010-10-12T13:14:00.003+08:00

"Girl you're amazing just the way you are."

*sigh* I'm supposed to be in Sentosa now with the G4C gang but as always I'm the one who never gets the info and shit. Fuck this.

Stop this heartbeat.

2010-10-04T23:45:00.006+08:00

Well, it's 10 minutes to midnight and as always, I am wide awake.

As usual, I'm just listening to my iPod. Just a brief look into myself, I realized how important music has been to me. My family is not exactly the most peaceful and perfect one there is so every time shit happened, I always turned to music.

I'm not exactly exaggerating when I say that music seriously prevented me from killing myself. Even now... *sigh* October has started with nothing more than problems and problems. I'm gonna tear myself dry if I continue crying everyday. Seriously.

*sigh* Fuck this. It's times like this when I need a dad or a mom by my side. But then again, what's new?My dad never wanted to be in the picture and my mom never gave a damn. Hooray, I have the best parents in the world. I may sound selfish every day talking about me, me and me. *sigh*

For once can it be about me and not your problems, your broken heart, your reason why your life is so miserable? I already know it's because of me, no need to keep rubbing it in.

*sigh* Shoot me. Shoot me instantly. Shoot me. I'm already dying inside.

With you.

2010-09-29T14:23:00.003+08:00

I am losing my mind in my living room singing random songs from my iPod.

Well it's my semestral holidays now hence I am at home. Not gona work for the whole week so enjoying myself while I still can.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR FRIDAY TO ARRIVE COZ IT'S MY DEAR'S BOOK OUT DAY~!!! I seriously miss him so much. He smses me during his free time so I've got no complaints. Honestly, I feel like he's just at work and I'm at home while he tells me what he's doing... =]

"I WANT YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL"

*sigh* Been spending time with the twins alot for these past few days. Sunday after church went to Patsy and Kenneth's house where Mich, Shanice, Fabian, Nick and I played with the kids till late!! They were soooooooooooooooooooo cute!!! Then Monday went to the airport with the twins, Mich and Rachel!!!!! ONCE AGAIN CUTE!!!!!!! Tim bit my face when I was feeding him. He was giving me kisses first but then he bit my nose. CUTEEEEE!

Wanted to come over again today but now having a cold so not going since I don't want to pass the kids my cold. KM's super adorable coz he was "jealous" that Tim kept kissing me. CUTE TTM!!!!!

Seriously missing him now. Anyway as always having arguments with Mom again. Usual shit like Dad and blah... Aiyah, heck care. I stopped giving a damn long ago.

I'm happy with my life at the moment. I don't want it to change.

2 weeks left.

2010-09-13T02:09:00.002+08:00

I wish you were here to hug me to sleep.

Well once again, insomnia has taken into place. It's been occurring more these past few days. He booked out of camp last Thursday then he fetched me from work the night after. Everybody there was like, "JEMIMAH! THERE'S SOMEONE HERE HORRRR!!" I didn't realize how much I missed him till I finally saw him again.

So blah blah blah. Went to meet him at TAKA Saturday night and had dinner with him and his friends again. They seriously are super friendly. They were like asking the two of us how we got together and I kinda got abit tongue-tied coz I didn't know how to tell them. I wanted to have a photo with him but as always, I've no guts to ask.

*sigh* I won't see him for 2 weeks. Probably gonna immerse myself in my studies so I won't miss him so much. OKAY CORRECTION: I won't feel the pain of missing him so much. ><

He's gonna sms me before he goes to sleep so I'm more than happy for that. GAAAAAAAAHHHH. I don't care. IT'S ONLY TWO WEEKS JEM, GET OVER IT. Just thinking about him makes me smile coz he seriously SERIOUSLY never ceases to surprise me. He does such adorable things and says things that I never ever expected him to say that I just can't help but fall for him more.

I keep thinking about me a few months back and I feel like telling myself from my past, "DON'T GIVE UP!! DON'T GIVE UP!! It's mutual. It really is." Even until now I still find it so surreal whenever I think that after all this time, he felt the same way. I don't know how much but there was chemistry. *sigh* I MISS HIM NOW.

It's just two weeks. By the end of those two weeks, I'll have so much more to tell you.

Goodbye never comes easier,

2010-09-06T03:24:00.002+08:00

I woke up because of a nightmare.

Woke up with cold sweat and tears streaming down my face. I'm already wide awake, yet why am I still crying? Why do I still feel shaken? I'm wide awake yet why do I still feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare?

Tomorrow's the day he goes to NS. I won't see him till 2 weeks later. 2 days ago was the last time I saw him. We went out with some of his friends. HIS FRIENDS. They're a rather interesting bunch... Had lots of fun with them.

Didn't actually talk much but now I am his "apparently existent" girlfriend, Vixen Goh. Totally enjoyed listening to them talk...

Can't seem to stop crying. Why do we have to say goodbye? I don't want to. I know it's only two weeks but fcuk it, 2 weeks is a hell of a long time. I would've prolly dehydrated myself crying by the end of those two weeks.

I wanted to actually have some time with him before he leaves but as expected, he's currently fully booked. *sigh* MLIS. *sigh* Finally stopped crying. I'm gonna miss him so much I can't even find any words in the dictionary that can even come close to describing it. *sigh*

Tell me you'll miss me just as much as I'll miss you. Tell me that I'm the last person you want to be beside before you leave. Make me believe... I want to believe...

SHINE.

2010-08-30T14:44:00.004+08:00

I know you're reading this:

I'm happiest when I'm with you. From now on my most memorable places are: Bugis, Terminal 1, RWS Ruyi (counter between POS 1 and 2), Suntec, MBS, bus 28, PRP, practically anywhere with you.

*sigh* I accidentally brought home his jacket one day. Oddly enough, because of that jacket, I've had the best sleep I've ever had in weeks, heck, months. Call it weird, odd, queer, obsessed or whatever shit, the moment I hold that jacket close at night, I'll just drift off and fall asleep.

He makes me breathless every time he's near. He makes me want to tell him every thing about me that I've never told anybody. He makes me smile at the simplest things. *sigh*

I'm a little bit of crazy

I'm a little bit of a fool

I'm a little bit of all, oh I need a cure

Just a little bit of you.

*sigh* Shit. I miss him. Okay diverting my attention! Tomorrow's the start of a new module Freehand Drawing. Finally something interesting. Tomorrow also happens to be Teacher's Day and I seriously want to go back to CCSS to celebrate and visit but unfortunately for me, I have classes from 9-12. FCUK.

*sigh* I'M SOOOOO BORED! I'm in my living room and for some reason I feel so effing cold. My cold's back. WTFWTHFMLMLISBBQ!!!!

I'm on the edge of my seat, filling my head with imageries that will just stay in my head.

Don't let go. Otherwise I may just break apart.

I love you.

2010-08-24T17:13:00.003+08:00

WARNING: LOADS OF MUSH ON THE WAY

Months of waiting has not gone to waste. After 6 lonely months of being alone, complication on our relationship, endless rumors, and shit, I am finally together with KM.

21st August was the day when it all happened. 5 am!! After that hour I've been smiling ever since. We went home after work together. He sent me all the way to my house! He even accompanied me for my typhoid vaccination. I seriously wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see our reflection in the MRT, our hands interlocked.

The next day we also went home together. I think before that I was waiting for him to finish his work so I fell asleep in the storeroom with Wai Haur then he eventually woke me up. So the usual happened. We boarded RWS8 but I fell asleep on his shoulder coz I was super tired. He took my hand and cupped my face just so I won't bang onto the window when the bus swerved. Took a cab @ Harbour Front and he asked the cab driver to send me off first. THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT SO HEART-THUMPING FOR ME.

At first, our fingers were just interlocked, my head on his shoulder, his head on mine. All of the sudden he removed his hand and I thought I did something wrong then he put his right arm around my shoulders and his left on my waist. I SWEAR, I THOUGHT MY HEART WOULD JUST BURST WITH HAPPINESS RIGHT THEN AND THERE. Then before I left the cab, I don't know whether he pulled me close or I went towards him but we kissed. It was just a peck but WOW. Just a simple peck was enough to send me shooting to heaven.

Yesterday was awesome as well. Since Sunday night was our last night working in Sentosa (coz we're being transferred to T1), Tian Heng told this Toast Box girl that seemed to have had this unknown scandal with KM that he was leaving so she came to Ruyi to bid him farewell and whatever shit. I was in the storeroom when she arrived so I was taken aback to see them talking. So I just stayed at one side and kind of sulked, I guess. Then went I was walking home (we separated @Tanah Merah coz he was going to T1 to meet Ignatius), he told me "AISHITERU" and my heart melted in ways I never thought it could.

Then I smsed him to keep him company while he kept telling me to sleep.

(sms convo)

KM: I saw my gf sulking at the corner just now...

ME: Where got?

KM: Just now when the toast box girl came to ruyi

[I fell asleep so I'll skip some msgs]

ME: Ha? You still working?! [it was alr 8 pm]

KM: Yep. Hardworking. Hehehehe

ME: Aiyoh. Okay anot?

KM: More of hungry actually. Haha

ME: Want me to bring you food?

KM:Thank you! We leaving liao le. Hehe. You not sleeping?

ME: Thank you for? Haha. Can't sleep.

KM: For so caring ah :-) why cannot sleep? What is on your mind?

ME: You.

KM: My heart already melted into a puddle of water le. Don't evaporate it oh. *melts*

HE'S SOOOOOO SWEET~ It's so nice finding about this side of him.

Really, good things happen to those who wait.

I'm stuck in a prison I can't get out of.

2010-08-07T17:47:00.004+08:00

WORK IS FUN.

Did night shift yesterday with Joyce and Robin with Kah Seng as the kitchen supervisor. FUCKING FUN MAN. We (me and KS) were like planning what to do on Thursday then Joyce said she wanted to come and drink with us as well. Then I told KS that he and Wai Haur will receive a $10 ang pao from the company coz it's their birthday.

THEN THE FUNNIEST THING HAPPENED! KS was going to fry some chopped onions and it seemed like he let the oil heat up for too long, so when he put in the onions, OIL STARTED GUSHING OUT OF THE POT! The oil over-flowed out of the pot and into the fire so there was this huge fire in the kitchen stove! When I told Robin there's fire in the kitchen, he paid no heed to me. Then when I told Joyce, you know what she said?! "OF COURSE LAH GOT FIRE. THEY COOKING WHAT!!"

Wah. Then after the fire died down KS, Yeong Fook and I looked at each other then I sang, "Happy Birthday!" and KS and I started laughing. The whole night was filled with bullshitting each other and what-not.

I SWEAR I MUST'VE BEEN LAUGHING THE ENTIRE NIGHT.

Last night was a good relief for me. A lot of things have been in my mind for God-knows-how-long. It's definitely nice to laugh every once in a while. *sigh*

I can't wait for Thursday to come. I want it to come faster for me to lose myself for once.

You're nothing more than childish hypocrites.

2010-08-04T03:52:00.003+08:00

I seriously don't understand myself sometimes. Like why do I have such a weak immune system, why I think fire is so cool, why I think Miley Cyrus is a bitch, and why I always start to emo at this time of the day... *sigh* Seriously. If you opened a dictionary and searched the word "uncouth" you' definitely see a picture of me there.

Life has been all but interesting as always. Haven't been in school for almost 2 weeks now. Not that I'm skipping on purpose but my health seems to be deteriorating everyday. *sigh* Seems like a punishment for all the selfish things I've done in my life. Such a worthy act indeed.

*sigh* Well the past weekend was fun. Went to work as always except KM wasn't there coz he went to Malaysia for a 3 day holiday. Anyway I just kept talking to the usual people like Jaggi, Wai Haur, Joyce, Ming Kwang, Ecal, Naddy and shockingly, even Kah Seng.

Truth be told, I'm spending alot of time now with KS. I mean not outside of work but during work hours. We'd be like smoking every 1 hour together and just talking shit with Jaggi. Super duper fun. I'm myself when I'm around the both of them. *sigh* Me and KS are super psyched that our birthdays are coming soon (mine's next Thursday and his is next next Monday) We even planned to celebrate it together with Wai Haur (his is on the 8th) but I have different plans.

I feel like I'm putting on a barrier upon myself once again. I've been hearing that people from my class are making rumors about why I haven't been in school lately. Was seriously in tears when I heard that. I hate these kind of people. WHY MAKE UP RUMORS JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY? PLEASE LAH. YOU'RE IN POLY ALREADY. STOP ACTING LIKE SECONDARY SCHOOL KIDS.

*sigh* I'm swimming in a sea of hypocrites. BTW. NOT EVERYBODY IN MY CLASS ARE THE ONES I'VE MENTIONED JUST NOW. I STILL LOVE THE MINORITY.

You're the only one I see.

2010-07-27T13:43:00.002+08:00

Currently in school's CADLab with my class.

Nowadays I feel like I can't really relate to them anymore. That's one of the reasons why I didn't come to school for 3 days last week.

I can't wait for August to come. There's gonna be YOG holidays so I can spend two weeks with KM before he leaves for NS. *sigh* I feel like crying every time I think of him leaving. Surely, it's gonna be shit working without him.*sigh*

I don't understand why I feel so alone. I just feel like staying @ home and rotting till who-knows when. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.

I want to be with him. I want to be beside him. I want to take care of him since he's sick. I just want to be where he is now. It seems like he's the only one I can talk to nowadays.

Yesterday we went to the new Ruyi branch after work. Met up with Ignatius, Glenn, Chanda, Naddy, and Jaggi @ T2. OTW there we were so shagged we just fell asleep immediately every time we sat down. The two of us were like, "Life sucks." "What's new" -ing each other. *sigh*

Anyway that's all. I just want to see him and be with him, spend the day with him.

You say goodbye, I say hello.

2010-07-24T13:59:00.002+08:00

Will it make any difference at all if I never loved you?

Maybe it would. I'd probably act like you're just an older brother for me. I'd probably feel comfortable looking like a fool in front of you. There probably won't be any stinging in my chest every time I hear other people say shit about you.

*sigh* I made a promise to myself that I will never tell you how I feel. But yeah. things changed. I won't tell you how I really feel until the last day I see you. Yeah... I'm not good at saying goodbyes but hey, that's a good way for you to remember me by.

This seriously sucks. You're mine but at the same time you're not.

Am I entranced by your alluring smile or your breathtaking gaze?

I'm clearly in a very very emo-ish state at the moment. BLAH.

Just shoot me. Clearly dying takes less of an effort to do than living.

The Climax of a Heartache.

2010-07-16T01:17:00.004+08:00

It seems like nowadays I only start posting during submission dates. My current submission is now for Design History and Culture. Taking a break.

Things have pretty much been a huge improvement for me. We just shifted house like a few weeks ago so yeah. I'm three bus stops away from school now. I walk everyday so I guess I get my exercise at times. *sigh*

Work wise, every thing's pretty fine. KM and I are inseparable as always. I know I said I've given up on him but now I'm trying to ignore the feelings I have so as to not be disappointed if things don't go my way. We've been having alot of heart-to-heart talks though. I was totally surprised when he said that I'm his most trusted part-timer. *sigh*

School wise, well every thing's fine I guess. Nothing much to complain about since I hardly do anything at school. OKAY CORRECTION: not that I don't do anything but I'm pretty much in my own world. I hardly talk to the girls nowadays. I mostly talk to Chee Kin, Joanna, Hafiez, Matt, Shikin, Yi Xiang and Sakinah now.

The utter agonies of generation gaps.

Joanna and I can't relate to most of the girls coz most of their conversations seem just a tad childish for us to actually be involved in. *sigh* I don't know what the shit am i talking about.

*sigh* I think the only time I'll ever tell KM exactly how I feel is the day before I last see him. That way goodbye won't be as hard. He won't feel any guilt if he breaks my heart, and I won't feel ashamed to look him in the eye. But if he does return them, then good for me. Maybe I'll ask him out on my birthday... All I can do now is just be his friend, remain his most trusted person, give him a cordial smile every time I see him and ignore the cracking sound of my heart.

I'm only deluding myself. I want to forget- ain't that my biggest anti-climax?

It's not all fun and games.

2010-06-10T11:52:00.004+08:00

Well, it's truly been some time since I last updated. Been too busy with school and work that I've found it hard to even have time to spend with my family.

Well once again, I'm @ school, using Matt's "Taemin" (his MacPro). Today's like the submission of our final assignment for Drawing Essentials. Everybody's like chiong-ing their work. SUPER FUN TO WATCH.

Anyway, aside from work and home, everything seems to be going well for me. Been spending alot of time with my classmates and coursemates. This Sunday I'll be going to PID chalet hosted by our course seniors. FREAKING COOL RIGHT?!!! *sigh* This is like the only time that I'm enjoying myself.

Well lately my health has been such a downer. I guess all these months' worth of fatigue has finally caught up with me. It was only a matter of time anyway before my body starts breaking down from all the stress and whatnot. Over-working myself is the cause of all these. *sigh* Work- wise I guess it's neither going well nor terribly. KM-wise, I've decided to call it quits. I can't deny that there was never a time when I never imagined myself being with him but now, as much as I would like him to be mine, I think I've finally accepted the fact that even if we got together, it will never last.

*sigh* Cried for an entire night after realizing this. Family-wise, as usual, it's heading a steep road downhill.

Even with all these shit happening to me, I'm sure I'll be able to keep my chin up and form a smile... even if I have to force myself to do so.

First stop: Heart breaks.

2010-05-12T16:35:00.003+08:00

Currently in class right now waiting for my painting to dry.

School is sooooooooooo fun. There's no words that can actually express how enjoyable poly life is. My class is like the COOLEST! We'd like have lunch together, go home together and what-not. It's like we've known each other for so long instead of just 4 weeks.

Currently singing Larger than Life by BSB with my class while they're painting. SEE? Are we close or what??? LOL. Anyway, everything has been okay I guess. Work- wise, I'd rather not talk about it. Work-wise, it's been okay. Things with KM is just plainly going downhill. I'm on a direct train to heartbreaks.

To summarize it all, he's always acting like he's always so irritable with me. The last time I went home with him was like, 2-3 weeks ago? Anyway things have just taken a turn for the worse. *sigh* Either way, I'm moving on. I need to love and be loved by someone who'll accept all of me, all halves of me. Why should I hate myself because I'm not fully Chinese? I don't need his love.

I'm telling myself it'll be okay, when I'm certain it won't be.

OMIGOSHH.

2010-04-20T19:58:00.004+08:00

Seriously lost my voice.

Currently came back from school. Today was like the 2nd day of school. SUPER SUPER HYPED.

Last week was basically Orientation Week hence I lost my voice. It's kind of like requirement for me to lose my voice every time I go for camps. We had like this night walk that was seriously SERIOUSLY SCARY BEYOND ALL REASONS. I actually cried coz I was so terrified. *sigh* I think my partner that time was halfway from death coz I was grabbing his arm so hard.

Orientation was super fun. Met alot alot alot of people. OYEAH SUB-EMPIRE ROCKS!!! Then during the last day we had the Regatta where we competed against the other schools. We were mostly concerned about our Best Spirit Award that the batch before us won last year. Totally screamed my lungs off cheering. DE-DE-DE-DESIGN!!!! We said some nonsense cheers and what-not. OF COURSE, WE WON OUR BEST SPIRIT AWARD!!!

DESIGN OI!

NO!

DESIGN OI!

NO EXAMS!

DESIGN OI!

BUT YOU ALL HAVE!! (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Damn funny. At the end of the day I sounded like one ahpek. -.- Went to Paya Lebar Methodist Church to attend Tim Chu's graduation and FUSION with Grace, Esther, JiaLe, Setho, Fabian, Nick Ho, and Asy the next day. SERIOUSLY ENJOYED MYSELF.

I had to go to work afterwards and I couldn't really talk so KM handled the counter while I did the running. Had fun at work disturbing Wai Haur with my froggie voice. *harharhar*

As usual went home with KM. Cabbed (again). Of course the moment I sat down, I fell asleep 5 minutes flat. Gravity had a strong hold on me so every turn the cab driver made, I swayed like hell. There was actually a moment the cab swerved too much I knocked my head onto KM's. He cupped my face afterwards so it was another heart-thumping moment for me.

SERIOUSLY!!!!! JUST TELL ME YOU LIKE ME AS WELL AND SEND ME OVER THE MOON!

Even Grace tells me that she thinks he likes me. *sigh* I told her that it's so obvious that I feel differently towards him compared to my exes. I've never talked to her about any of my exes during the "before relationship stage"... Even she sees how much I like KM.

*sigh* You sure are stupid to not realize how I feel.

Walk with me like lovers do.

2010-04-07T14:38:00.002+08:00

Currently singing my voice off.

It hurts, this beating heart of mine. It's like there's a knife that's always been there and finally, someone has decided to push it in deeper to make sure the pain stays. SUCKS.

I seriously have this urge to tell him how I feel yet something always holds me back. I'm happy the way I am now with him, why would I want to push it further with the risk that we may never be the same again afterwards?

Work has been all but boring. How can it be when I'm enjoying every moment with him? It's been the same everyday, going to work, laughing at work, sleeping, getting woken up by him (he'll scare me awake, crouch down and smile), laughing again, then going home with him. How can he not know how I feel? It's so bloody obvious... *sigh* But I still like his denseness.

*sigh* I fell in love with his smile. Every time he smiles, I see how unreal mine is. His dedication, his weird laugh, his blithe personality, the way his eyes have that certain twinkle whenever he's really really happy, his company, his presence... I love it all.

Monday morning I was working OT with him, while Wei Meng and Mireen did their morning shift. He was like, "Ok, when Bunny Tan comes right, must say 'WELCOME TO RUYI' very loud to make his day!" Then when Bunny did come, the three of us were so busy with customers we weren't able to greet him. Fortunately he went out and when he came back, Mireen and I pretended to mistake him for a customer hence greeting him. HE WAS IN A GOOD MOOD TILL THE MOMENT KM AND I LEFT.

I really really really really really really like him. It's not like any type of like I've ever felt for any of my exes. His is more of a calm, slow kind of love. I don't want to rush it. It's funny coz even though we're not in a relationship, you can see us in the bus, MRT or cab sleeping, arms linked, my head on his shoulder, his head on mine. It sounds to me like some ironic sitcom.

I'm scared to tell him how I feel but at the same time eager to do so. People say it's mutual (still racking my brains as to how it is) ... But what if I live with regret due to a seemingly harmless mistake?

I'm lost for words... for now.

It's complicated.

2010-03-29T09:50:00.002+08:00

Today I woke up with a huge migraine, aching neck and body, and messages from the one I love.

It's official: I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM EVEN MORE.

Since I haven't updated in a while I guess it'll be polite of me to just fill in the blanks. Last Monday, (22/3) went out with him. A date, if you may call it. Met up with him @ around 8-8.30 pm @ Bishan (Junction 8) to watch "How to train your Dragon in 3D".

It's a kiddy movie but surprisingly enough oodles of couples were watching it. There was absolutely no sign of kids in the theater. Oddly comical if you ask me.

After much contemplation we decided to meet up with Asri and go drinking (Ooh-la-la). Got drunk as always but was fortunate enough to have him take care of me. Went to Ruyi afterwards coz forgot to bring my house keys and he didn't want to go yet.

At RWS, we had our "super romantic yet neither one of us had the courage to make any sense of it" moments. We sat down at Waterfront just in front of the harbour to pass our drunken states. Our arms would be linked together, I'd fall asleep with my head on his shoulder, his head on mine while the cool sea breeze slowly rocked us to sleep in that dim-lighted place (it was 3 in the morning).

Surprisingly, he even sent me home. LIKE TO MY DOORSTEP ALL THE WAY IN TAMPINES WHEN HE LIVED IN BISHAN!

After that day we just continue having our "seriously, it's so romantic I can't believe you're not taking this chance to do something" moments. No words can ever express what it's like being with him everyday.

If only I took that chance I had at the Waterfront to tell him how I felt. So many people have already told me that it's mutual. Still racking my brains as to how exactly is it mutual. But still... Must take the chance....

The image in my heart now has a face.

And his name is Goh Kher Meng.

you're just regurgitating shit.

2010-03-17T05:43:00.002+08:00

I WANT TO STAY IN THIS MOMENT FOREVER.

well insomnia has, as always, kicked in.

can't sleep entirely.

thinking about too many irrational things.

hmmm... okay! UPDATES!

12/3

met up with fuwei, eugene and asy to go to work @ Club Chinois.

upon stepping inside, i remembered the promise i made to myself: TO NEVER EVER RETURN TO CC.

i like working with dennis but i'm not much of a fine-dining kind of person.

the people there seem just abit stuck-up.

some are nice though.

anyway, throughout the night fuwei, eugene and me were saying how much we were beginning to love banquet more and more.

IT WAS SERIOUSLY SO BORING.

anyway, at around 10.30 left to change and the three of us went to ruyi to work the night shift with kher meng.

WE HAD SOOOOO MUCH FUN.

the four of us kept talking about nonsense then me & KM would go to our "EMO CORNER" (the spot infront of the ice machine) and talk.

speaking of the ice machine, i kena lay egg again. MEANING: the ice machine, once again, dropped a whole block of ice on my hand while i was taking ice.

i was so shagged the entire night i sat down @ the emo corner and fell asleep.

the boys didn't wake me up coz they knew how tired i was so pretty thankful to them.

then went to bagus to eat breakfast and cabbed home with KM.

13/3

worked@ OPH as usual and was in the same side station with ho-chan, vic, and my bitch (fu wei).

nothing memorable happened actually.

had my feelings hurt though.

14/3

woke up early to go to church then went home to sleep then went to work.

met up with fu wei and eugene to eat dinner.

happened to meet jun wei otw so the 4 of us ate @ Fish&Co. in ION.

partnered with jun wei *again*

couldn't move around much coz my leg was seriously painful the entire night.

then somewhere during the 7th course cried coz of frustration.

got scolded by lin jie and hua jie coz andy picked up my food for me when he's not supposed to.

got super angry coz i was being scolded when i never asked him to.

went to my side station angry then yeah.

ho-chan asked what was wrong so i told him.

cried while keeping a smile plastered coz we were facing the guests.

ho-chan made me laugh by saying lame jokes and what not.

didn't talk to anyone else the whole night except for him and my bitches (FW and eugene)

had supper/breakfast@ McD with mummy, zhi xian, wei ling, billy, remus, lin jie, jessica, qi wen, ho ming, and xuanwei.

qi wen kept patting my head and what not.

oddly enough kind of liked it. *i'm weird i know. i like it when people pat my head or scratch my neck. call it KITTY TRAITS.*

*sigh*

so basically that's it.

bought new guitar strings today as well as guitar maintenance accessories.

i was re-stringing my guitar and apparently i strung it too tightly without noticing that it snapped.

I JUST BOUGHT NEW STRINGS AND NOW I HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER SET. -.-

fortunately it's only $7.

MY DAYS ARE MOSTLY COMPRISED OF SLEEPING, EATING CHICKEN RICE AND SMSING KM.

shoutout: IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, HE'S ASH, I'M PIKACHU AND YOU'RE JUST THE POKEBALL.

encourangements.

2010-03-09T00:33:00.002+08:00

I DON'T HAVE NERVES OF STEEL, I HAVE A HEART THAT FEELS.

7/3:

went home after watching Alice in Wonderland to go to church.

in the end, I OVERSLEPT AND WASN'T ABLE TO GO.

was seriously damn shagged.

then went to work.

was partnered with jun wei.

'twas quite fun... =)

afterwards did OT as always and everybody started teasing me because of remus.

he kept telling everybody that the only reason i'm working @ ruyi is because i like kher meng.

remus: okay after this right, you can take all the tea candles you want or the center piece as well..

me: ha?

remus: tea candles... *smiles*

me: candles? for? (thinks) OH!!!! FUCKKKK YOUUUUU!!

remus: you take as much tea candles as you want the tuesday you go to ruyi set it on a table, then you sit down with kher meng and stare at each other. (everyone laughs)

*sigh*

so basically everybody knows. TT_TT

even mummy keeps teasing me.

mummy: (upon seeing me approach the bar) HAIYAH!!! YOU GOT KHER MENG ALR YOU LIKE TT ALR... (then gives me that -.- face)

*sigh*

THINGS HAVE CERTAINLY TAKEN A TURN FOR THE BETTER.

i'm essentially happy.

OH YEAH! I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED THIS INCIDENT WITH ME AND FU WEI.

me: (pouring soya sauce) fu wei!!! help lehhhh.

fu wei: (taking a tray and putting all the soya sauce thingies. *the word escapes me*) aiyahh. so lazy.

me: it's called being productive.

fu wei: it's lazy.

me: PRO-DUC-TIVE. actually lazy people tends to be the most productive ones.

fe wei: (laughs) true.

me: this is called being efficient man!!!

*sigh*

currently smsing *ahem* kher meng.

SERIOUSLY. it seems like every free time we both have, we're smsing each other.

IS THAT A GOOD THING?

gasp. i see JJLin on tv. -__-

*sigh*

shoutout: YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A ROCKET SCIENTIST TO KNOW HOW I FEEL.

it's all in my head.

2010-03-07T04:18:00.004+08:00

THERE WAS HARDLY A TIME WHEN I NEVER CONTEMPLATED TAKING YOU AWAY.

okay yeah, seriously dunnoe what's with me and my emo headers but yeah. THERE YA GO BABY!

just reached home from work...

went to watch ALICE IN WONDERLAND with vyennus, mummy, asy, zhi xian, weiling, ho ming, viknesh, and zhi hao.

it was okay i guess... most definitely not my type of movie but i'd give it a round of applause for the presence of johnny depp and helena bonham carter. *claps*

was smsing kher meng throughout the movie so was pretty elated.

we've been smsing each other alot these days.

ONCE AGAIN, HE'S SUPER WEIRD IT'S FUNNY.

he's so freaking hilarious at times.

anyway did bar at work today.

SUPER SUPER SUPER FUN!

totally enjoyed it!

hehehe...

what else is there to say?

nothing much entirely.

been stressing out due to my poly application.

*sigh*

i seriously need the time to relax but remus won't let me.

i wasn't supposed to work sunday function but he still want me to...

AND I'M THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO CAN NEVER SAY NO.

*sigh*

well shall update *hopefully more interesting things* soon!!

shoutout: STOP THINKING I LIKE YOU COZ I DON'T... ANYMORE.

surreptitious glances we've made.

2010-03-03T09:48:00.002+08:00

WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH THOUGHTS OF YOU IN MY MIND.

*sigh*

life at home truly is infuriating.

after 2 weeks of hardly being at home i thought i'd finally have something to do yesterday *since it was my day off*

THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO.

*sigh* well monday was truly fun.

did OC with zhi xian, mummy, vyennus, ruilian, ho ming, asyraf, fu wei, weiling, celeste, and matthew.

met up with asy, ho-chan, fu wei and ruilian @ redhill mrt station then called remus to ask where we're going.

HE TOLD US TO GO TO A BUILDING CALLED ESI.

so because of his wrong directions, we walked around eating mr bean pancakes for 20-30 minutes.

when we found the building it was E2I.

wtf.

then blah blah did the catering event.

I WAS INTRODUCED AROUND BY MR PHANG AS RUYI'S MASCOT.

afterwards talked to the barman who spent 9 years in US so yeah.

we were both so ecstatic to find somebody who's been in the US for a long time other than ourselves.

went back to OPH where we threw shaved ice at matthew as an early birthday bash.

IT WAS HAPPY TIME FROM THEN ON.

remus brought out 3 jugs of beer so yeah. people drank...

and because of my body's stupid reaction to beer, i could only drink F&N orange.

eventually got bored so decided to sms kher meng who actually replied.

hahaha...

kept him company the entire night while he was working @ ruyi.

HE'S SUPER WEIRD IT'S SO FUNNY.

*sigh*

what else is there to say?

personally-wise, i'm still caught unaware with this ever palpitating feelings of mine.

honestly i need a sense of normality back in my life.

everything's gone too haywire... family, friends, work, relationships & blah blah.

*sigh* shall update again when i have the chance to.

shoutout: WHY CAN'T I FEEL ANYTHING FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN YOU?

sense of procrastination.

2010-03-01T00:54:00.002+08:00

it has seriously been too long since i posted something.

been too pre-occupied with work that i don't even have time for myself.

MY DAYS ARE PRACTICALLY WORK, HOME, SLEEP, WAKE UP, BATHE, WORK.

just came back home.

didn't go home for like 1 day coz was too busy working.

worked at midnight shift@ ruyi (@ resort world sentosa) friday night, then come 7 am, there weren't anybody there yet so me and kher meng decided to OT until the morning shift people came.

went home at around 9 and arrived at around 11++. talked to my mom for an hour, bathed and cabbed down to OPH @2 to do setting. then worked till 12++ then proceeded to ruyi again with mummy and zhi xian to do midnight shift.

afterwards, went to mummy's house coz he wanted to bathe so yeah, cabbed down to serangoon.

fell asleep with my head on mummy's shoulder.

so yeah, went to mummy's house then we went back to OPH at 9 to do set-up.

SIBEI TIRED MAN!

fell asleep at the office there while listening to remus talk. -.-

then blah blah, did banquet again. then afterwards was supposed to do OT but fell asleep at the office again while talking to remus.

then mummy they all woke me up then proceeded to cineleisure to watch movie~!

TIRED BUT HAD ENOUGH ENERGY TO WATCH MOVIE.

me, andy (mummy), vyennus (spring onion), julian, asyraf (bubble man), ho ming, weiling (predator), and fu wei stopped over at shaw house to eat dinner @ pepper rice. then billy joined us after a few minutes...

proceeded to cineleisure to watch DEAR JOHN.

TWO WORDS: BLOODY BORING.

it was only nice to watch coz channing tatum was there.

then went home.

*sigh*

well i guess that's basically all i can say, CURRENTLY.

shoutout: I DON'T KNOW WHO TO GO TO.

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!!

2010-02-11T18:02:00.002+08:00

I AM CURRENTLY LOSING MY MIND IN MY BROTHER'S ROOM WHILE SINGING KOREAN SONGS.

currently singing I Hope by FT Island.

WoooO~!

woke up this morning to find my right eye to be blue-black.

first reaction: WTH.

2nd reaction: WHERE'D THIS COME FROM?

it's seriously blue black.

i look like i kena punched or something.

new song: Ring Ding Dong- SHINee

*sigh*

i'm totally bored at home.

planning to go to cccss tomorrow for CNY celebration.

didn't really want to go but after much contemplation, decided to go.

GOING MEANS I'D HAVE TO SEE PEOPLE I DON'T WANT TO SEE.

*sigh*

new song!!! Juliette- SHINee

my phone has alot of SHINee songs what can i do?

i dunnoe what happened to my hair but when i woke up, it was much lighter in color.

COOL!

haa...

it's so cool in my house *even though it's blazing hot outside* that i have to wear a jacket.

HAAAAAAAAA.

it's the ice age here.

any rational person would turn off the aircon but ME LIKEY!

I REARRANGED MY CLOTHES IN MY CLOSET.

it's neater now.

i was in a good mood so i rearranged my clothes.

I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD SO MANY CLOTHES.

i had to pack away those that i rarely use coz they're basically consuming space in my precious closet. HAHA.

*sigh*

yesterday i was watching "Star-Golden Bell Challenge" in KBS *to my brother's horror, i found out we have 2 korean channels.*

Key (SHINee), Yesung (SuJu), Jun (MBLAQ), and Dujun (BEAST) were guests there.

THEY WERE SUPER FUNNY. SPECIALLY KEY.

another guest said he looks like a Japanese warrior (and upon close observation, he does) then he was sulking... SUPER CUTE!!!!

then jun was saying something then he said, "MEMBA" instead of "MEMBER"

i was laughing so hard my mother rushed out of her room to see what was wrong with me.

then when i told her she whacked my head.

GAHHHH! i'm gonna rot at home soon.

it's so bloody boring.

shoutout: I CAN'T STOP ANYMORE. AND I DON'T WANT TO.

100 truths?

2010-02-08T20:50:00.003+08:00

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage = WATER
2. Last phone call = Mom
3. Last text message = Celeste Chew ~! (wifey)
4. Last song you listened to = Hot Issue- 4Minute ( heard it on tv, now I can't get it off)
5. Last time you cried = i think sunday morning.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice = yup.
7. Been cheated on = yup.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it = nope.
9. Lost someone special = sure.
10. been depressed = most of the time!
11. Been drunk and threw up = haha... YEAH.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. BLACK
13. RED
14. BLUE

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)
15. Made a new friend = yup.
16. Fallen out of love = yup.
17. Laughed until you cried = just this afternoon!
18. Met someone who changed you = yeah... changed the way I think at most.
19. Found out who your true friends were = sure.
20. Found out someone was talking about you = that was last year.
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend's list = hehe... sure.

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life = about 80%?
24. Do you have any pets = 2 turtles. (Hachi and Natchi)
25. Do you want to change your name = noooo.
26. What did you do for your last birthday = ate korean bbq chicken.
27. What time did you wake up today = 11-ish
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = watching TV
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = hmmm. to go back to work lor.
30. Last time you saw your mother = this morning. woke up to go to the loo then she was in the living room.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = MY HEIGHT.
32. What are you listening to right now = the loud humming of the fan and the audio of "THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = none that I can recall.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = being stuck at home.
35. Most visited webpage = facebook =] and blogger.
37. Nicknames = jem, jemishy, -.- "yamatte"
39. Zodiac sign = leo
40. He or She? = i'm a she. ><
41. Elementary? = Woodridge School
42. Middle School = International Christian Academy School, Manila Japanese School, Woodridge College
43. High school/College = Woodridge College, Chai Chee Secondary School, Temasek Polytechnic
44. Hair colour = light brown
45. Long or short = long
46. Height = erm... 154.5 cm *haaaa*
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = sure~!
48. What do you like about yourself? = hmmm... dimples? and sth else *winkwink*
49. Piercings = 2 on my left ear and 1 on my right
50. Tattoos = none.
51. Righty or lefty = righty.

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = none~!
53. First piercing = i was around 5?
54. First best friend = Camille~!
55. First sport you joined = hmmm... Badminton?
56. First vacation = Osaka.
58. First pair of trainers = can't remember. hehe

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = nothing.
60. Drinking = nothing.
61. I'm about to = sneeze *Achoo~!*
62. Listening to = the fan?
63. Waiting for = tomorrow.

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? = sure!
65. Get Married? = yup!
66. Career? = something worthwhile

WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes? = eyes
68. Hugs or kisses = both?
69. Shorter or taller = taller but not too tall.
70. Older or Younger = older but once again, not too old.
71. Romantic or spontaneous = i prefer both!
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = arms baybeh!
73. Sensitive or loud = both!
74. Hook-up or relationship = relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger = nope.
77. Drank hard liquor = yup.
78. Lost glasses/contacts = yeah...
79. Sex on first date = nope.
80. Broken someone's heart = yeah.
81. Had your own heartbroken = yeahhh.
82. Been arrested = nope. fortunately.
83. Turned someone down = yup.
84. Cried when someone died = yeah.
85. Fallen for a friend? = yeah.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = at times.
87. Miracles = depends.
88. Love at first sight =sure!
89. Heaven = yeah.
90. Santa Claus = used to.
91. Kiss on the first date = believed in it, did it. ><
92. Angels = sure.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
95. Did you sing today? = yeahh.
96. Ever cheated on somebody? = nooo.
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = not too sure. i've no regrets so i dun think i'll go back.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = hmmm. 7th of August.

99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = nah..
100. Posting this as 100 truths? = sure.

this biological phenomenon called love

2010-02-07T18:51:00.004+08:00

just finished eating dinner~!

kewl.

yesterday @ work was totally fun.

started @ 2 and as always, i was the earliest to arrive. (gotta break this habit)

so blah blah blah set-up.

can't really remember much about the setting up part.

all i remember is that i keep tripping onto stuff i shouldn't be tripping on.

OKAY! 6 pm!

roll-call!

so, vyennus, eugene, fu wei, asy, ho ming and i went to the kitchen and found that everybody was there. PS. -.-

then remus started telling us all our tables and partners.

HE FORGOT ABOUT ME AND HE WAS TALKING TO ME THE WHOLE DAY. -.-

so yeah, blah blah blah...

everybody kept calling me ,"hentai" and "yamatte!!!" coz of our drinking spree last thursday.

yup went drinking again but this time with all the OT people.

*sigh*

so eventually, my partner became ho ming and things went by smoothly.

then did OT and went drinking again...

so went home with celeste and jun yang in remus' car.

then somewhere in orchard we got involved in a car accident.

remus' car collided with this cab.

jun yang and him were unscathed but i wish i could say the same about me and celeste.

she banged her knee real hard on the seats and i banged my head on the metal part of the driver's seat headrest.

IT'S EVEN MORE PAINFUL THAN IT SOUNDS.

celeste cried coz of the pain so i comforted her (wanted to cry but was still in shock. didn't feel the pain till minutes later)

SO NOW I HAVE A BIG BRUISE ON MY FOREHEAD.

haa...

me: (to weiling and celeste) when we left oph, my face was very warm coz of the alcohol. now it's freaking cold.

so arrived home @ around 6-ish am.

opened the door real slowly so as to not wake anybody then my brother came out from no where so i almost screamed.

he roared in silent laughter. BLOODY HELL.

so yeah... won't see everybody @ work till 21st.

shoutout: I'M STILL FALLING.

encouragements....

2010-02-01T15:23:00.004+08:00

I'M GOIN TO TP~!!!!

lol.

so yeah, i'm going to tp.

haven't been updating in a while coz my mom spoiled my com.

haaaaaaaaaaaa.

haven't been doing much.

these past few days were uber fun coz went to work practically everyday.

thursday:

went to work, played around with andy (who by the way is calling me "daughter" since i call him mummy.) and ho ming (HO-CHAN!!!)

forgot who i partnered with.

friday:

played with andy, billy, ho ming and blah.....

partnered with rui lian... SUPER FUN!!!

did OT for the first time.

played tai di afterwards.

TOTALLY OWNED BILLY.

was crowned "TAI DI QUEEN."

saturday:

did 2 tables by myself.

blah blah, did OT again...

played tai di again! and won!

then went out with billy and qi wen to meet asri, and jun yang.

SUPER FUN!!!!!!!!

some incident happened between me and billy in jun yang's car.

sunday:

hardly slept so was pretty shagged.

had this singing marathon with brendan.

blah blah blah.

went to work again but was pretty quiet coz very tired.

did OT again then went home.

woo~!!!

so yeah, later going out with andy to watch a movie.

KEWLLLLLLLLLLLL.

shoutout: I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT HAPPENED.

humanimal.

2010-01-18T15:43:00.003+08:00

I AM LEFT WITH NOTHING MORE THAN UTTER CONFUSION.

*sigh*

been working non-stop for 3 days.

can barely feel my legs.

yesterday was the most hectic yet.

i did 3 tables practically by myself.

i used practically coz my partner was always MIA.

*sigh*

had alot of accidents too.

the bride and groom were about to take a photo with the people from one of my tables so i had to get out of the way.

then a couple from the table shifted their baby's stroller to this super narrow pathway (coz everybody was positioning to have their photos taken).

i had to walk through that pathway and i accidentally stepped on the wheel of the stroller, hence motioning me forward towards the door.

in a layman's, i head-butted the door.

then in the kitchen, i was talking to hua jie when i fell on my butt due to the wet floor.

the cook accidentally splashed hot water on my foot.

a plate fell on my foot.

and all the souzans (i dunnoe how to spell) from all three tables fell on my head when i carried it in one-by-one.

*sigh*

I SERIOUSLY AM ACCIDENT PRONE.

i'm surprised i can still walk.

*sigh*

honestly i'd rather have all these accidents while i'm at work than stay at home and constantly think of how miserable i am.

at least when i'm at work i don't think of anything else compared to when i'm at home and all i can ever think about is how everybody seems to have forgotten me.

SO MUCH FOR BEING FRIENDS MAN.

*sigh*

fuck.

shoutout: I CAN'T STOP THE BLEEDING. WHAT HAVE I DONE?

i can't stand being alone.

2010-01-14T19:30:00.002+08:00

I'M A COWARD FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY.

to start off, i'm extremely happy to say i passed my O's!

15 POINTS BABY~!!!

was super happy but unfortunately the happiness died down coz i had nobody to celebrate with.

haa.

IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE THAT I WISH I HAVE SOMEONE WHO'D BE WITH ME THROUGH MY UPS AND DOWNS.

well as always, being stuck at home has been all but interesting

been doing along of brooding lately.

*sigh*

I'M TIRED OF FORCING MYSELF TO SMILE EVERYTIME.

*sigh*

this seriously sucks.

ONCE AGAIN, I AM ALONE.

figures.

PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DIE CAN NEVER DIE, AND PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE THEIR LIVES EBBED AWAY.

*sigh*

i hate not being able to talk to him for more than 5 minutes.

nowadays the longest conversation we've had was less than 3 minutes.

FUCKING SUCKS.

shoutout: I WANT TO FORGET SO MUCH.

don't you get it?

2010-01-07T02:44:00.003+08:00

wooo...

It's seriously been too long since I last updated.

prolly coz I keep changing blogs.

I have another blog btw. www.strawberryjem.tumblr.com

yeah yeah, the link's funny. COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.

well, as everybody's in school now (since it's the school season again), I'm stuck at home once again...

3 DAYS AT HOME AND I ALREADY FEEL LIKE KILLING PEOPLE.

IT'S SO FREAKING BORING!!!

*sigh*

I want to go out!!! BUT EVERYBODY'S IN SCHOOL!!!

*sigh*

currently having this hair-pulling-kind-of-pain tummy ache.

bloody hell.

there's not much to type really.

JUST ME BEING STUCK IN THIS TRAIN OF NOSTALGIA AND WHAT-NOT.

*sigh* was looking at kylie's photo

SHE'S SOOOOOO FREAKING CUTE!!

apparently some idiot deleted her pics from my cam.

*sigh* and she had sooo many cute pics from there too.

talking to mr jordy ang AKA KOR online now.

we're both so freaking bored.

i told him that if we went to school today, WE'D BOTH BE BLOODY SCREWED.

i was looking at dear's pics also.

call me a stalker, obsessed or whatever shit, i just like looking at his pics.

it gives me a certain sense of satisfaction seeing him smile.

shoutout: YOU'RE ALL I WANT AND MORE. I'M HAPPY ENOUGH.

2010 buzz~

2010-01-02T02:14:00.002+08:00

well it's finally 2010~

wee~~

i'm not a real "new year celebrating" type of person.

sure I get the buzz due to the fact that it's the NEW year but it eventually wears off.

hahaha.

SHORT-ATTENTION SPAN... WHAT CAN I DO??

summarized, the day was quite productive.

FINALLY CLEANED MY ROOM MAN!

ok, it's not clean clean clean but as long as the floor's shining and the tops are dust-free, I'm glad.

*smiles*

well it's 2010?

what exactly is there to look forward for in 2010?

I'M GONNA TURN 19 THIS YEAR!

hmmm... my results are gonna be released sometime this month...

SCARED!

hoping that this year may be more of an optimistic one for me.

what else is there to say??

well, I'm here to support dear 24/7 for his o's!!!

LITERALLY!

coz jfyi, if ever I pass my O's and be able to enter poly, school won't start till april so I'm pretty much free.

currently disposing of all my O level stuff.

hahahaha.

uber cool.

shoutout: OLE-OLE-OLE-OLE~!

the truth behind the smile.

2009-12-29T00:49:00.002+08:00

IT'S MORNING.

bleh.

well gonna go to work later~!!

YAY!!

i love going to work coz of....

then from january onwards i'll be working in sentosa under asri and ... will be there too~!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

hehehehehehe.

dunnoe why but i'm happy today.

nothing good happened.

went to different places yesterday.

was soooo tired coz i was having a flu and i lost my voice again.

*sigh*

well talking to my aunty/cousin right now.

coooooool.

*sigh*

i'm going nuts.

shoutout: FLY ME OFF TO WHERE YOU ARE.

Christmas eve nya~

2009-12-24T18:49:00.002+08:00

well currently in the kitchen trying to whip up a scrumptious Christmas dinner.

so far every thing's going well.

SUPER PUMPED.

so far, finished making the carbonara and the "omelette that leaves you wanting more."

lol.

super thankful to all those people who uploaded recipes man.

heheh.

wee~!!!

i don't know why i was emoing ystd but i feel so happy today,

then tomorrow i'm gonna go for the youth stayover.

confirm won't sleep one.

LOLLER.

shoutout: FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.

shitty Christmas.

2009-12-24T00:45:00.003+08:00

i feel so freaking angry.

SOME PEOPLE ARE SERIOUSLY INSENSITIVELY DENSE.

so irritated.

SO IRRITATED.

FREAKING IRRITATED.

*sigh*

who was i kidding?

i was only deluding myself, thinking that this Christmas would be better than the rest.

LAST CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS SUCKED, WHY DID I THINK THIS YEAR WON'T BE THE SAME?

i can't help but grimace at the ironical situation i've put myself in.

bleh.

STOP BULLSHITTING ME OK.

i know you don't care.

stop your moronic nonsense.

shoutout: THANKS TO YOU, MY CHRISTMAS SUCKS. HAPPY?

43 things girls wish their bfs knew.

2009-12-22T19:09:00.002+08:00

saw this on facebook.

cool.

43 things girls wishes their boyfriends knew:

#1 When you break her heart, the pain never really goes away.

#2 When she misses you, she's hurting inside.

#3 When she says it's over, she still wants you to be hers.

#4 When she walks away from you mad, follow her.

#5 When she stares at your mouth, kiss her.

#6 When she pushes or hits you, grab her tight & don't let her go.

#7 When she starts cursing at you, kiss her and tell her you love her.

#8 When she ignores you, give her your attention.

#9 When she pulls away, pull her back.

#10 When you see her at her worst, tell her she's beautiful.

#11 When you see her crying, just hold her and don't say a word.

#12 When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind.

#13 When she's scared, protect her.

#14 When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her.

#15 When she steals your favourite jacket, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.

#16 When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh.

#17 When she doesn't answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is okay.

#18 When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up with the truth.

#19 When she says that she likes you, she really does more than you could understand.

#20 When she grabs your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.

#21 When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh.

#22 When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.

#23 When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does.

#24 Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.

#25 Don't let her have the last word.

#26 Don't call her hot, but gorgeous or beautiful is so much better.

#27 Say you love her more than she could ever love you.

#28 Argue that she is the best girl ever.

#29 When she's mad, hug her tight and don't let go.

#30 When she says she's OK, don’t believe it, talk to her about it, because 10 yrs later she'll still remember it.

#31 Call her at 12:00am on special occasions to tell her you love her.

#32 Call her before you sleep and after you wake up.

#33 Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

#34 Don't ignore her when she's out with you and your friends.

#35 Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

#36 Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.

#37 Let her into your world.

#38 Let her wear your clothes.

#39 When she's bored and sad, hang out with her

#40 Let her know she's important.

#41 Kiss her in the pouring rain.

#42 When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"

#43 After she reads this, she hopes one day you'd read it too

*sigh*

well, the coloured ones are the ones i truly wished he knew.

*sigh*

IF ONLY LIFE WAS EASIER.

but then again, men aren't mind readers so they can't really understand why females are hooked up on emotions unlike men who can separate emotions from other things.

bleh.

shoutout: IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS. GONNA BREAK MY HEART?

choi minho is mine!

2009-12-21T23:25:00.002+08:00

Constant emoing has done nothing but make me dig a deeper hole for me to emo in.

SERIOUSLY MAN.

well nothing much happened today.

didn't talk to people so blah blah.

lazed around and listened to music.

KEPT PLAYING SHINee'S "RING DING DONG".

it's such a nice song.

*sigh*

well, planning to go to tampines mall tomorrow to pay my phone bill.

*sigh*

christmas is almost here. not like it matters to me.

I SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY LOATHE CHRISTMAS.

the days before the actual day and the days after it brings nothing but solitude and heartache to me.

*sigh*

super duper bored.

*sigh*

ATTENTION TO PEOPLE: I CAN STILL RECEIVE YOUR CALLS YA KNOW. SO IF YA NEED ANYTHING, JUST CALL ME.

not like anybody actually wants to communicate with me.

*sigh*

shoutout: I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE.

loneliness won.

2009-12-21T02:01:00.002+08:00

HOW LONG WILL IT BE TILL MY LONELINESS COMPLETELY CONSUMES ME?

okay yeah, emo-ness taking over as usual.

it's the wee hours in the morning as always.

i hate it whenever i can't fall asleep because i'm thinking about things i shouldn't even be thinking about.

it's like totally pointless to even consider brooding about this kind of stuff.

*sigh*

a vitriolic statement is that i'm here thinking about him, crying my heart out every night while he's there thinking about something else.

*sigh*

hell, why am i even complaining?

i'm not exactly in the right position to complain.

after all, i've got some skeletons i've kept hidden in this closet of mine.

shoutout: SOMEONE JUST SHOOT ME.

calls.

2009-12-20T20:41:00.003+08:00

WEE~!

i had this super super super cool dream about raymond last night.

hehehehehe

shan't say it but IT WAS SUPER NICE.

hehehe

well, didn't go to youth as usual.

was too shagged to get up from my bed.

haven't heard from people in a long time.

oh yeah, i came home yesterday and saw dozens of mail from polytechnics for me.

only opened the one from temasek poly.

decided to take product design as my first choice for a course.

WEEEEE~

if i don't get it i'll continue to strive to go for leisure and hotel management.

HEHEHE.

i'll make raymond one of my employees.

kekeke.

well things have been really really fun these past few days.

went to grace's chalet last 16th.

had sooooooo much fun!

BECAME MARRIED TO SETHO DURING THE CHALET.

and my fellow concubines are wayne, christian and jerold.

hahaha!

BROTHERHOOD TO THE EXTREME!

hehehe....

shoutout: IT STARTED OUT AS A FEELING.

without you, purpose is gone.

2009-12-15T14:06:00.003+08:00

I AM SO FREAKING BORED~

well, i don't have work today so currently slacking at home.

-.-

still having some major allergy outbreak.

*sigh*

i told myself that i'd clean my room today but looking at all the mess, i doubt i'll be able to do it.

i don't even have a clue where to start.

hehehe.

there's like nothing to watch on tv...

nothing to do...

nowhere to go...

no one to go out with.

*BIG sigh*

well work yesterday was pretty fun.

got partnered up with ho ming, ying ting, and vyennus.

SUPER COOL PEOPLE MAN!!

we were laughing throughout the whole dinner.

me and ying ting swooned over the groom's kindness to his bride.

we were like, "I WISH MY HUSBAND WILL BE LIKE THAT~~~~!"

then there was this cute little girl in one table.

i was going to refill her drink so obviously i had to take her cup then she was like, "EH!!! WHY YOU TAKE MY CUP?????"

then played around with her for a bit...

SHE WAS SOOOOOOO ADORABLE~!!

she was like, "jie jie, my water got something inside. can please change?"

WAS SERIOUSLY SO HEART-SMITTEN!!

super fun!

wee~!!!

i still wish to see dear but yeah, circumstances seem to disallow it.

shoutout: TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

missing you terribly.

2009-12-14T13:27:00.003+08:00

I MISS YOU.

yes i do.

do you?

i know you do.

well he went to desaru yesterday.

*sigh*

i wish he'd stay in singapore. -.-

currently taking time to relax before going to work.

*sigh*

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY MISS YOU.

shoutout: SERIOUSLY.

fuck you.

2009-12-13T01:30:00.002+08:00

who am i trying to bullshit?

i'm not all that invulnerable.

FUCK.

yeah, i haven't said nor typed that word in ages.

work is as tiring as always.

my life at home sucks,

friendships suck,

all my relationships are going downhill.

THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL SO INSIGNIFICANT IN JUST 3 MESSAGES.

fucking hell man.

i'm so frustrated at everything.

in just a matter of 10 minutes, you were able to take away all the happiness i had in me during camp.

in just a matter of 20 minutes, you were able to make me regret ever being happy.

THANKS.

shoutout: AREN'T YOU HAPPY? YOU'RE GETTING WHAT YOU WANTED. JUST LIKE BEFORE.

wish you were the one.

2009-12-11T01:31:00.002+08:00

YAY I'M BACK!!!

didn't blog for like a long time coz went for church camp!!!

yay!!!

super awesome man!

WE MADE HISTORY!

NEW MOVIE RECORD: 25.

FIRST EVER GIRL TAU-POK DONE!

MADE A THOUSAND WATER BOMBS IN 5 HOURS!!!

super super fun man!

although there was also that weird incident with tung seng but i really don't want to relieve all the goosebumps experienced.

so yup.

seriously enjoyed myself.

twas so right man.

seriously needed the relaxation from all the screw-ups and blah i've experienced with everybody.

then i had this weird dream that i was in love with this super cute dog-man guy named MASABI.

weird.

anyway came home from work and it was super super fun!!!

after that was quite irritating.

well don't really want to think about it.

THE PERSON KNOWS WHO HE IS.

well he's back from bali. wee.

he went to bali to golf and he came back to golf again.

*sigh*

nevermind. forget it.

he likes golf what can i do?

*sigh*

this seriously bums me out.

MAYBE I'LL GO DRINK AGAIN.

i'm back to my old habits of drinks and cigars.

thanks to someone.

shoutout: HEY MY LIFE IS SO SCREWED UP, ANY SCREWING UP YOU DO TO ME WON'T MAKE MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE.

what if.

2009-12-02T01:06:00.002+08:00

here i am again with prolonged insomnia.

well i didn't go to work today coz it's my day off.

hahaha.

gonna work on thursday then after that, i won't be working till next wednesday.

I'VE GOT CAMP!

wee.

so freaking bored man.

there's seriously nothing to do.

i want to go out with people, but people are not free.

when people want to go out with me, i'm either too tired or i'm working.

WTF.

work has been tiring yet seriously fun.

meeting some seriously nice people, some not-so-nice, and some that i don't even want to talk about.

haha...

i'm trying to keep myself occupied so that i won't think about dear leaving for bali.

really don't want to think about it.

well for now, it's all just hellos and goodbyes and one word replies.

*sigh*

this is the reason why i need to always be moving or something.

if ever i am given the time to think, i'd immediately shut down and emo.

*sigh*

shoutout: HOW COULD I LEARN TO LIVE WONDERING WHAT IF?

Smother me.

2009-11-25T01:50:00.000+08:00

Let me be the one who calls you baby
All the time
Surely you can take some comfort
Knowing that you're mine
Just hold me tight, lay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you
Baby all the time

Let me be the one who never leaves
You all alone
I hold my breath and lose the feeling
That I'm on my own
Hold me too tight stay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you
Baby all the time

When I'm alone time goes so slow
I need you here with me
and how my mistakes have made
Your heart break
Still I need you here with me
Baby I'm here

I found my place in the world
Could stare at your face for the rest of
my days
Now I can breathe, turn my insides out
and Smother me
Warm and alive I'm all over you
would you smother me?

shattered pieces of who i am

2009-11-23T23:10:00.002+08:00

It's been too long.

haaa.

well once again I am at wits end trying to fall asleep.

seems like I'm having this problem occur more and more.

*sigh*

well my life has been all but interesting.

been working my ass off for the past few days.

honestly, I'd rather work than laze around at home, doing nothing but console myself in my state of loneliness.

*sigh*

well emoing aside, work was fun.

met cool people.

my first day was so radical.

there was this guest who was quite old and i kept serving him wine.

then he said, "OKAY, THIS IS THE LAST TIME. AFTER THIS I'M GOING TO A CLUB TO DRINK SOME MORE. YOU WANT TO COME ANOT?"

freaking hilarious man.

unfortunately i couldn't do anything but smile.

saturday went to work as well...

THERE WAS THIS CUTE GUY IN ONE TABLE I WAS IN CHARGE OF.

seriously made my day.

hahaha.

then holly, suveer and i missed the last train home so we were kinda stuck in orchard.

decided to walk around abit and eat breakfast since all our families don't expect us to be back till the wee hours of the morning.

yup yup...

super fun walking around orchard at 1 am.

couldn't sleep after that so stayed up till I went to church.

quite fun too...

we planned for youth camp during the holidays and it was really really mind-boggling.

practiced for 5th sunday worship, went home then fell asleep.

hehehe.

then couldn't sleep again.

-.-

oh well.

hoping that the following days would be more productive than the other.

shoutout: I COME TO YOU IN PIECES, SO YOU CAN MAKE ME WHOLE.

thank.you.

2009-11-18T17:32:00.002+08:00

THANKS FOR MAKING ME A FOOL.

thanks for telling me you'll come here today.

thanks for making me wait for you.

i cancelled all my appointments today just so i can spend the day with you.

and guess what?

YOU FLIPPING STOOD ME UP.

THANKS FOR TELLING ME YOU WOULDN'T COME.

THANKS SO MUCH.

honestly.

2009-11-18T11:44:00.002+08:00

well it's 11- sth in the morning now.

the house is so gloomy maybe coz either my brother's not yet awake or i refuse to open the windows and let some light in.

yesterday was quite fun.

went to tita odie's friend's house yesterday

actually i went there before but it was a long time ago.

so yeah....

she was having a baby shower so she needed people to help prepare the food.

I MADE PIZZA FROM SCRATCH.

and by scratch i mean the mixing of flour, yeast, waiting an hour for it to rise, and the best part was the kneading.

everybody was happy i was there to help them knead the dough.

i honestly had fun.

i met alot of super fun people there.

had a good time.

i was smsing jiawei, as always, then the aunties there thought he was my bf.

hahaha.

speaking of him he's quite a fun person to talk to. LIKE HONESTLY.

he doesn't talk nonsense.

we planned to go out sometime and go drinking.

hahaha. cool right?

*sigh*

so yeah...

yesterday was fun, monday was ok-ok.

HOPING TODAY WILL BE SURPRISING.

shoutout: YOU'RE MY HEARTBREAKER.

i looked for answers but all i got were more questions.

2009-11-16T22:52:00.003+08:00

it took me so long to figure out what to type...

O-LEVELS ARE FINISHED~!

today was actually my graduation day.

IT WAS TRULY FUN.

shouted mr tan's name when he won "THE MOST INSPIRING TEACHER AWARD".

he truly is one.

laughed so hard at mr hiu's jokes while he was emceeing.

MR HIU'S LAME JOKE:

MR. HIU: an ant saw an elephant walking towards it ah, then it hid in a hole and left one leg out of the hole. a horse came by and asked the ant, "EH WHY YOU GOT ONE LEG OUT OF THE HOLE?" you know what the ant answered?

MS. NUR: what??

MR. HIU: SHHHH! i want to trip the elephant!!

lol.

lame right??

then ate dinner...

TALKED TO MR TAN!!

ME: mr tan where are you going during the holidays?

MRT: oh. a forest.

ME: seriously lah!

MRT: serious!

ME: go there for?

MRT: I'M GOING RE-SERVICE!

hehehe...

while i was talking to him, felt like somebody was staring at me.

i turned around and i saw jeco.

he kept glaring at me for no reason at all and it felt so awkward.

then before he left, i was looking at shaun and he passed by and he gave me this menacing glare.

SERIOUSLY GAVE ME THE CREEPS.

i'm happy that eric was there to keep me company.

grace and suveer went also to give me support so that was quite touching.

*sigh*

wasn't really happy though coz HE wasn't there.

*sigh* well i can't have everything.

shoutout: I WAS A FOOL TO BELIEVE I COULD EVER BE HAPPY.

all it takes is one simple bang.

2009-11-09T15:29:00.003+08:00

There's nothing more left for me to say.

I'M TOO TIRED. physically, mentally and emotionally.

*sigh*

maybe it's the lack of sleep or me being unwell that's making me so delirious and shit.

*sigh*

i was so angry last night that i fell asleep early.

then at somewhere around 2, i suddenly woke up!

saw a message and was too angry to reply.

then i tried to get back to sleep but i couldn't so i decided to go online.

so to sum it all up, i chatted with TOH JIA WEI FROM 2 IN THE MORNING UNTIL 7.

after i logged off we exchanged a few sms and i went to sleep.

WOKE UP TWO HOURS LATER.

saw an sms from him but decided to ignore it

then went back to sleep and woke up at 2. *why do i keep waking up at 2?*

replied dear.

he was supposed to come here today but due to certain circumstances it was decided that he wouldn't.

i was so frustrated that my whole mind turned blank.

I'VE NEVER FELT SUCH NUMBNESS IN MY LIFE.

now trying to get back to sleep so that i won't hear any messages and calls from anybody.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MY HEART WILL TAKE IT KNOWING IT WILL NEVER BE FROM HIM.

shoutout: NUMBNESS HOORAH.

i don't know who i am to you anymore.

2009-11-08T22:02:00.002+08:00

WOOOOO!!! holiday already!

*ahem*

technically, O level's not yet done but the only papers I have left are all MCQs sooo JAJAJAJAAA!

haaaa..

these past few days have been hell to me.

NOTHING MORE THAN EMOING AND SHIT.

since i was stuck in bed, might as well emo right?

seriously had so many ups and downs regarding my health.

until now i'm still recuperating so get well soon to me!

*sigh*

today pretty much sucked as well.

couldn't sleep again last night. *haven't been sleeping well the whole week*

so finally dozed off at around 6 and woke up at 8 to get ready for church.

KILLER MAN.

*sigh*

then blah blah blah.

went to church yadda yadda.

he called me and since i wasn't free to talk to him he asked when my church would end and i told him at 11.

so the bugger said he'd call at that time so blah blah blah smiley face.

then church ended and i waited for my phone to ring.

ALL I GOT WERE MESSAGES FROM ERIC AND JORDY.

i swore i was literally looking at my phone every 5 minutes to check whether or not he called.

i was foolishly honest enough to wait for him to call.

frustration filled me up so badly i cried.

I CRY WHEN I GET REALLY REALLY REALLY ANGRY.

i don't know why but no matter how much i don't want to cry, it just keeps dropping.

*sigh*

now i'm too tired to even wait anymore.

maybe he's got an excuse and i'm sure it's valid enough but i just want to lie in my own grave and never have to hear anything again.

shoutout: ADIEU.

blah blah blah

2009-11-05T01:57:00.002+08:00

it's 2 am...

i can't sleep because of my bloody cold.

okayy.

this week was quite fun.

monday- had my social studies and chemistry test.

studied venice so hard for ss, IT DIDN'T COME OUT.

luckily there was bonding singapore so quite relieved.

had lunch with nick, yuichi and eric. *brunch actually*

then went to library where i saw grace yong~!!

went back to school and took my chem paper.

arrived home feeling so dizzy and immediately fell asleep.

THROAT STARTED BECOMING SORE AND MY TEMPERATURE INCREASED TO 38.9

cursed myself for having a fever and fell asleep.

tuesday: woke up at 9, watch tv, eat a bit of breakfast, bathe, went back to sleep.

dear came to visit so was pretty elated but too weak to show.

lost count of how many times i fell asleep.

played our usual game. I LOST. T_T

then he went home and i instantly fell asleep.

so temperature rose again.

HERE'S THE CATCH: I FELL ASLEEP CLUTCHING THE SHIRT DEAR BORROWED.

wednesday: went to school to take exams

surprisingly i felt ok.

then went home then cold acted up again.

hence the inability for me to fall asleep

haaa... now talking to jordy online.

we both cannot sleep.

lol.

shoutout: BE GONE YA STUPID BLOODY COLD.

shoot me.

2009-10-30T21:16:00.002+08:00

I HATE BEING STUCK IN THE MIDDLE.

i hate my parents so so much.

it's so irritating when they argue and my mom will always let out all her frustrations about daddy on me.

everytime she's angry at him, i'm the one who gets yelled at.

THEY KEEP ASKING ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM.

there are times that i just want to run away.

go to some faraway place and take on a new name.

marry some guy and just be known as someone else completely.

*sigh*

but then again, life ain't as easy as that.

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i seriously want to not bother about all this arguement but i'm the type of person who cannot stop thinking about this kind of thing.

afterall, my future depends on the person i'd live with.

IF I STAYED WITH MOMMY, MY LIFE WILL BE A LIVING HELL.

IF I STAYED WITH DADDY, MY LIFE WILL BE A BORING LIVING HELL.

somebody give me another option.

i don't want to choose...

truth be told i don't even think i have any choices to choose from.

my life, in a nutshell, is gonna be so f-ed up no matter whom i stay with.

*sigh*

the highlight of my day is I CLEANED MY ROOM!

yay for me~!

totally discarded my bed frame and decided to just put the mattress on the floor.

less space consuming and less areas for dirt to accumulate on.

WOO!

watched the golf game on tv.

hoped that i'd see dear there *coz he was watching*

unfortunately i got bored so i flipped to the next channel.

haha. blame my lack of interest in a rich man's sport.

hmm... slept late last night, around 4.30 i think, in hopes that my phone will ring with a ringtone i want to hear.

it didn't.

so blah blah blah.

today wasn't bad but it wasn't a red letter day too.

ONCE AGAIN, I'M STUCK IN BETWEEN.

shoutout: I'D WALK A THOUSAND MILES IF I COULD JUST SEE YOU TONIGHT.

selfish thinking.

2009-10-30T00:09:00.002+08:00

*sigh*

looked about people's pictures in profiles.

it pained me so so much to see all my cousins celebrating their 18th birthday with such a bang.

i'm not saying i didn't enjoy my birthday this year because i did but I LOOKED FORWARD TO HAVING MY DEBUTANT BALL ALL MY LIFE.

ever since i was young i fantasized dancing with 18 guys, giving me 18 roses.

nobody knows how happy i was when dear gave me 18 roses for my birthday.

i fantasized wearing a breath-taking dress.

I FANTASIZED PEOPLE CELEBRATING MY DAY WITH ME.

instead i had people come over my house JUST TO PLAY CARDS WITH MY BROTHER.

it sounds so materialistic but i just feel like all the things i've looked forward to all my life are being shattered.

DEBUTANT BALL, PROM NIGHT, WEDDING.

2 out of 3 is gone.

I TOLD MY AUNT THAT IF MY WEDDING WAS A FLOP, I'D KILL MYSELF BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE CAN GO ON.

*sigh*

who was i kidding trying to fool myself into believing that i wasn't bothered by it.

blah,

IT SOUNDS MATERIALISTIC BUT FOR 18 YEARS, ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT WAS ME.

what can i do?

ole ole ole.

2009-10-29T23:29:00.002+08:00

CAN'T GET BIG BANG SONGS OUT OF MY HEAD.

it's official.

I AM INSANE.

and shockingly enough, I ADMIT IT.

i stayed up all night waiting for him to call.

any logical person would fall asleep at around 2+++ but not me.

talked to jordy on msn till 3+++ then he fell asleep.

watched Speedy Scandal but stopped even before it could begin.

stared at nowhere, seemingly re-evaluating my life.

then bathed and went to ica with mom and jj.

ate breakfast, went home and slept for a bit.

woke up feeling so groggy and for some reason, i ended up in pasir ris park.

DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT THERE, I JUST WAS.

so walked around and saw the sunset for the first time.

whispered a few curses as i passed by DOZENS OF COUPLES SNOGGING EACH OTHER while i walked around pasir ris park by myself.

called ma and told her i'd be home late then she said take care.

so walked around more then talked to eric on the phone.

so after walking around so much, I SWEAR, I PRACTICALLY FROZE MYSELF FROM SITTING AT THE BEACH WHEN IT'S FREAKING COLD.

then finally went home.

i'm pooped but i don't think i can get a good night's sleep again.

shoutout: I'M NOT CRAZY. THIS IS JUST ME, IN A SERIOUS WAY.

my heart breaker

2009-10-29T02:10:00.002+08:00

it's 2+++ in the morning.

i can't sleep.

i don't want to sleep.

too many things in my mind.

i want to see dear.

THIS IS SEPARATION ANXIETY TO THE EXTREMES.

shoutout: IF YOU ARE THE MOON AND I AM THE NIGHT, WILL THE LIGHT BE DRAWN TO YOUR RADIANCE OR LURED INTO MY DARKNESS?

逢いたくて

2009-10-28T23:22:00.006+08:00

TODAY IS NOT MY DAY.

i woke up this morning with a terrible headache.

MY EYES WERE SO PUFFY FROM LAST NIGHT.

then i tripped on NOTHING and fell face-down onto the floor.

then HE called and said he can't come tomorrow coz of some golf thing.

then after a few minutes, he called again and said he can come.

then in school, i had so much trouble trying to do one question in my maths paper.

THEN! after my paper, i wanted to go to the fourth floor to get some of my stuff but the stairs were locked!

THEN WHEN I WENT HOME! i couldn't find my keys so i had to keep knocking on the door till my bro WHO WAS ASLEEP opened it.

THEN I FIND OUT THAT I NEED TO GO TO ICA TOMORROW FOR SOME PR-THINGY HENCE I CAN'T SEE DEAR TOMORROW!

then i told him and he seemed so nonchalant about it.

i was soooo pissed off, i seriously cried.

what can i do? i cry when i'm really really angry.

and to top it all of, WHEN I WAS MAKING DINNER, I ACCIDENTALLY CUT MY HAND!

so irritating.

i don't know how close i am from going nuts.

shoutout: F*** THIS DAY. あなた だけが居ない

nyan~!

2009-10-25T18:44:00.002+08:00

some quiz my friend tagged me. quite fun.

Promise not to lie or erase any of these questions?
- SURE.

If you married the last person that texted you what would your last name be?
- TAN.

Do you know anyone named Molly?
- nope...

What smiley face do you use often?
- XD

Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough?
- hahahah... just last night

Who's texted you in the past 24 hours?
- VARIETY OF PEOPLE~!

Who were you with Saturday night?
- people. xDDD

What is bothering you?
- my mom ate one of the cookies I made for dear.

What's your favorite kind of ice cream?
- the sweet kind. xDD

Are any of your friends taller than you?
- *sigh* ALL OF THEM ARE.

Spell your name without an L.
- J-E-M-I-M-A-H

Do you like hugs?

-sure~! but it depends on who's giving it.

What are you listening to right now?
- Pieces by Red

Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
- hehehe. D.

When was the last time you were told you were cute?
- hmmm... THURSDAY.

Does anyone know your password besides you?
- yeah... hoping he forgets.

Feel like talking to someone you haven't in a while?
- depends on who.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
- hmmm. my mom.

Did you sleep alone last night?
- i always sleep alone

Has anyone ever sang to you?
- hahaha... YUPYUP! AND I LOVED IT.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
-yup. my ex.

How was your weekend?
- so so.

Are you a mean person?
- at times.

Will you be up before seven am tomorrow?
- NOPE! my exams start at 1.

What is something you disliked about your day?
- my mom eating my dear's cookies.

Do you want your tongue pierced?
- hell no.

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
- nope.

How late did you stay up last night?
- hmmm. not so late. tired.

What color are your underwear?
- CONFIDENTIAL~!

Which would be more meaningful to you: I love you a lot or I love you so much?
- I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or longer?
- sure, if the guy's up to it then so am i.

When you're home alone do you still close the door when you shower?
- of course. who knows when people will start coming home.

Can you remember the last time you really liked someone?
- sure. NOW.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
- there are times.

Your bf / gf leaves you for someone else, you do what?
- I JUMP.

Your ex wants to go back out, you do what?
- nothing. he wants to go out then go out. HE NEVER ASKED ME.

Do you ride roller coasters?
- when i have the chance.

Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
- HOPING.

What were you doing at 10 last night?
- sleeping i think?

What were you doing at 5am this morning?
- sleeping still.

Were you in a good mood last night?
- sure!

When did you take the last picture you took?
- yesterday.

Would you ever dye your hair red?
- highlights sure. entirely, NO WAY.

What are you doing for valentines day?
- not sure. but i'm hoping i'll be doing something.

Do you consider yourself a study freak?
- MOST DEFINITELY NOT.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
- sure.

Was your last kiss drunk or sober?
- SOBER.

Ever go camping?
- i want to, no opportunity to.

What happened at 3:00pm today?
- i watched MADE OF HONOUR.

oatmeal cookies. jan jan~!

2009-10-24T21:37:00.003+08:00

ohhh... just came back from tita odie's house.

I BAKED COOKIES~!!!

who would've thought i knew how to bake?

the funny thing was i was about to sms eric to ask him if he wanted some cookies when he suddenly smsed me saying that he wanted to disturb me!

OHHH. COOL COINCIDENCE.

baked alot... gonna bake more on thursday probably.

mom and ben loved it.

jj hated it, but then again he hates everything.

hoohoo.

so yeah, gonna give some to eric, kor, and dear on monday.

super cool.

well yup, that's all.

HOPING THAT DEAR WILL CALL TONIGHT.

he didn't call last night and i seriously had a horrible time trying to fall asleep.

AS MUCH AS I WANTED TO SLEEP, I JUST COULDN'T.

shoutout: YAY COOKIES~!

oh happy day. er week.

2009-10-24T10:29:00.004+08:00

wee... IN 2 DAYS I'LL BE HAVING MY O'S.

*sigh* technically it started on thursday coz i had my practical.

THIS WEEK WAS AWESOME.

MONDAY: dear came to my house.

SO YAY~!!!

yup, we spent our usual couple time together... SLEEPING.

we slept so much that i had to wake up coz i was tired of sleeping.

TUESDAY: went to school for my lessons with Mr Anwar.

it was for an hour only but decided to stay abit longer to study.

then dear bought me chicken rice. hohoho. CUTE.

WEDNESDAY: didn't do much. studied, watched tv. BLAH.

THURSDAY: went to school for my science practical.

IT WAS TOTALLY DO-ABLE.

then stayed in school till 2.

at first, me and guannie were complaining about how we'll last until 2. (our practical ended at 9.30, hence the dilemma)

but we eventually found things to do.

then afterwards, met up with dear and we went to my house.

i changed and then we left to go to the movies. YAY!

our second date. hehehe. NO SERIOUSLY. IT'S THE SECOND.

so yeah, we watched IMAGINE THAT.

it was nice being able to spend some one-on-one time with him...

HAHA... LOVE YAH D!

FRIDAY: rest day rest day...

watched 2 days 1 night.

SERIOUSLY ENJOY SEEING KANG HODONG. he reminds me so much of dear.

he was so funny when he said, " DAEPUNG, DADDY'S GONNA BRING THIS (figs) TO YOU! THIS IS DAEPUNG'S!!"

hehehe. HIS WIFE IS DAMN PRETTY YA KNOW!!!

come to think of it, SOORO'S WIFE IS ALSO PRETTY.

weird pairings.

anyway yeah.

hoping that the joy shall last till the end of my papers.

shoutout: ALWAYS AND ALWAYS.

can a person die from being so broken?

2009-10-19T00:42:00.003+08:00

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS LIKE KNOWING THAT YOU'RE DETERIORATING WITHOUT ANY NOTICE:

your legs feel like jelly and the bottom of your stomach freezes fast.

the allergic reaction i had this morning seems to have gone from bad to worse.

it's not the usual rash breakout like always.

i can't breathe much as well as i can't move much hence i'm bedridden now.

my heart aches terribly and i find myself staring into space even more than usual.

i always find myself breaking out into tears everytime i try to fall asleep.

MAYBE JORDY WAS RIGHT TO SAY I'M MENTALLY UNSTABLE.

*sigh*

shoutout: MAYBE I'M DYING

inconclusive thoughts.

2009-10-18T16:48:00.002+08:00

WE'RE BACK TO THE WAY WE WERE BACK THEN.

you suddenly stop smsing me...

*sigh*

but it's ok...

i'm the one in the wrong.

at least this time i know what's wrong.

*sigh*

I KEEP LOOKING AT YOUR PHOTOS BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN SEE YOU SMILING BACK AT ME.

it's sounds so drama-mama but i don't want to lie anymore.

i don't want to keep putting on a front that i'm happy when all i want to do is just close my eyes and not be able to see anything.

maybe then my heart will stop.

BUT THEN AGAIN IT'S ALL JUST WISHFUL THINKING.

I'M SORRY...

although it may sound so half-hearted.

i really am sorry...

this morning i has this terrible allergic reaction when i ate some nuts.

i seriously thought i was gonna die knowing how bad my reactions go.

then i thought, "IF I DIED, WOULD I BE FORGIVEN?"

turns out i won't...

hahaha... i can just see the pure irony in it.

shoutout: I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING THE WAY I AM.

i'm sorry dear. i really am.

2009-10-17T19:42:00.002+08:00

i want to apologize for being so touchy-feely this morning.

my head wasn't really in the right state this morning.

i'll blame it on hormonal imbalance, lack of sleep and lack of food.

haven't been eating much these days.

*sigh*

seriously feel like apologizing to dear.

SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU.

SORRY FOR BEING SO IRRITABLE THESE PAST FEW DAYS.

I'M SORRY...

*sigh*

i do hope he'll be able to see this so he'll know how sorry i am...

IT SUCKS NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK.

it sucks feeling this way...

i hate being so bitter when we're so far away from each other.

i hate it when i sound so cold to him everytime i talk to him on the phone when all i want to do is tell him how much i love him.

i'm really really sorry...

i feel so horrible knowing that i felt this way...

I HATE THE WAY I ONLY THINK ABOUT MYSELF.

how i want everything I WANT to be given to me...

i'm really sorry.

shoutout: I AM... I REALLY AM...

all i wanted was my life back. was that too much to ask?

2009-10-16T16:13:00.002+08:00

I DIE A BIT EVERY TIME WE SAY GOODBYE.

*sigh*

well currently having consultation till the start of my o's which is like in less than 2 weeks.

in a nutshell, I BASICALLY HAVE NO NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL TILL MY O'S UNLESS I HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.

super bored.

i read every now and then but i just can't seem to focus so i feel like there's no point trying to study if nothing is actually penetrating into my brain.

*sigh*

stayed up all night waiting for his phone call so didn't really have much shut eye.

honestly, i refuse to sleep in the afternoon or i'll have problems later at night.

*sigh*

I CAN SEE MYSELF CHANGING INTO SOMEONE I'M NOT.

what's there left to say?

being not soooo sensitive is truly hard work for someone like me.

PLASTERING A SMILE TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF IT DOES NOT HURT.

*sigh*

smiling hurts alot.... very tiring.

shoutout: THE LIES BEHIND THIS SMILE.

photomarathon-y!

2009-10-11T22:30:00.002+08:00

yay i've got no school tomorrow!

not too sure why i'm happy but as long as it means i won't have to wake up early, it's a yay from me.

yesterday was uber fun!

went to suntec city mall convention centre for the annual CANON PHOTOMARATHON!

so it was me, holly and jarah.

SUPER SUPER FUN!

honestly speaking, it was seriously tiring but the experience of partaking in it is simply breathtaking.

OK! brief synopsis of what occured:

we are given three themes at different times for the day: TOGETHERNESS, MOTION, ENERGY.

we are given at least a three-hour limit to take the photo we think depicts the theme and upload our best photo.

so yeahhhh. basically that's it.

the tiring part is that you have to walk all over the place with ALL your belongings, lunch is not provided so you have to make do of what you have, and it was raining in the morning so yeah...

for the motion theme, i decided to take a photo of birds flying.

I WAS SERIOUSLY KILLING MYSELF WITH THAT DECISION.

i was standing on the wet ledge to take the photo of pigeons when it suddenly flew and i turned and slipped to the pavement due to the subsided rain.

lol. i told dear about it and he said, "YOU'RE NATURALLY CLUMSY ONE!"

quite true ah but still....

anyway so yeah.

met alot of people there.

FINALLY GOT TO KNOW WHO THE HELL WAS FAIZ, AZLI AND SAW REMUS AGAIN.

this time i talked to these hongkah sec boys. mainly azli and remus.

it was quite fun.

then somewhere around the end of the day, benson, saufi, and danah came to have dinner with us then they joined us for the awarding ceremony.

ME AND DANAH WERE SCREAMING FOR EVERY WINNER EVEN THOUGH WE DIDN'T KNOW THEM.

the emcee was like, "EH BROTHER, YOU BROUGHT YOUR FAN CLUB ISIT?"

then saufi took a photo with KEN WATANABE'S poster (not too sure why i put his name is caps).

he wanted it to be sooooo perfect so i had to take it 6 times!!!

*sigh* renamed him "SAUFI WANA-BE"

truly a very fun day.

jordy kept me company the whole day by replying to all my messages to him.

hahaha.

love my kor man!!

shoutout: I WON'T SAY GOODBYE.

make you feel my love

2009-10-09T21:24:00.003+08:00

DAMN. I CAN'T GET THAT STUPID OBAMA SONG OUT OF MY HEAD.

lol.

well nothing much happened today.

after school watched shaun, jordy, azhar, de wei and kwang chung play soccer.

super funny.

DE WEI: (to kwang chung) EH!!! YOU HOLD THE BALL WITH YOUR HAND LAH NOT LIKE THAT YOU LOOK LIKE CHICKEN!!

hahaha... here's another one.

SHAUN: (to kwang chung) eh why you everytime never do header ah?

KC: scared lah. brain damage.

DE WEI: EH YOU STUPID OR WHAT?! KC YOU ALSO NOT THAT SMART SO NEVERMIND LAH!!!

seriously laughed my ass off...

ANOTHER ONE!!

SHAUN: (putting his hand in one of the beams) EH NABEI!!! GOT SO MANY ANTS LAH!! BLOODY HELL! FUCK YOU ANTS! (spits at it) WHO ASK YOU TO BITE ME?! (spits again)

soooooo funny!

I HUGGED ERN TODAY AND HE HUGGED ME BACK!!!

soo happy... i miss my ern.

then went to pizza hut with jordy, dewei, and azhar.

also damn hilarious.

then blah went home and sang my heart out... hahahaha.

so yeahhh...

tomorrow i'll be out of the house the whole day...

yeahahahahahaha.

shoutout: THIS IS THE PART WHERE THE END STARTS.

incorrigible excuses.

2009-10-05T16:34:00.003+08:00

it's never easy to let go of the past.

*sigh*

well currently having o-level intensive till the 14th.

sian.

hhmmm. what did i do today?

i just basically talked to eric all the way.

quite fun. we made up stupid words.

link + creativity= LINKITIVITY!

stupid + dumb= DUPID!

fucking + idiot= FUCKIOT!

lol.

just random things that random people like eric and i do.

gawd.

i've finally found some cheering up strategies in any location.

if i'm at home and i feel really down, i'd watch family outing nonstop until i feel better.

if i'm in school and i feel upset over the shit that has been happening, i look at jin hyeok and he does things to make me laugh.

if i'm in church, i play with the babies.

if i'm outside (like some mall or whatnot), i buy my chunky monkey ice cream. (it's expensive so after eating it, it makes me feel down so i'll buy another cheaper ice cream)

yup yup yup.

oh yeah, BTW... i permed my hair.

it's quite nice actually.

i am unbelievable happy with the results

even ben said my hair looks nice.

so HAHAHA! i look hot. ><

*sigh*

i am in serious need of some relaxation from this strenuous yet mundane routine in which my life seem to be revolving in.

shoutout: ALL I HEAR IS HER.

my darling did you forget my image and my love?

2009-09-29T11:01:00.003+08:00

i just finished my prelims so there's no school today.

honestly, i just woke up. hahaha.

PIG RIGHT?

gawd my eyes are so sore.

i literally cried myself to sleep.

haaaa.

so much shit has been happening.

*sigh*

been reading all my past years diaries...

can't believe i brought it here...

what's the point of relieving all the pain of all those years?

my first love, my first heartbreak... haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

i used to believe that babies just popped out from people once a girl and a guy hugged.

i used to believe that if i wished hard enough, all my troubles would go away.

i used to believe that life was a fairytale... that if i was good enough, someone would take me away.

it was all wishes and what ifs... even then my head was in the clouds.

*sigh*

with a blink of an eye, my life seemed to revolve around death.

this is the first time i'm admitting this but yes, i'm one of those people who cut themselves.

i don't do it just for the sake of getting pity from other people.

it's more like a stress- relief thing.

anyway, i always thought that if i cut hard enough, somebody would tell me to stop.

that all i was waiting for.

somebody to tell me to stop.

haa.... maybe i am as dramatic as he says.

*sigh*

shoutout: I CALL OUT YOUR NAME BECAUSE I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY MINE.

love kim sooro. ><

2009-09-11T18:40:00.006+08:00

haven't updated in nearly a month...

well it's day 2 of me being alone here in singapore while HE's overseas...

all i've been doing in watch re-runs of Family Outing.

I HAVE OFFICIALLY REKINDLED MY LOVE FOR KIM SOORO AND LEE CHUN HEE!

ok sooro's old but he's pretty hot for an 39- yr old man.

anyway, i guess the reason why i like sooro so much is because he reminds me so much of HIM coz sooro's direct and funny.

PEOPLE WHO REMIND ME OF MY DEAR!

. kim sooro-sshi

. kim tae woo (everytime i hear him sing, it reminds me of dear)

. yesung and kang-in of super junior (whenever i see them, dear comes to mind)

. kang hodong (whenever he smiles IT'S EXACTLY LIKE DEAR'S)

there's so much more but when i think about them, names escape me.

AND NO, IT'S NOT ONLY KOREANS WHO REMIND ME OF HIM.

*sigh*

i'm so bored right now.

i can't wait for sunday.

hmmmm... talk about what?

well i have officially decided to severe ties with samantha.

she's on good terms with sudhanshi again meaning i've been chucked off to one side, forgotten and all.

SO MUCH FOR FRIENDSHIP!!

i feel weird these days.

possibly coz i have restrained myself from being so vulgar.

even my mom was surprised.

she was like, "EH! WHY ARE YOU SO POLITE ALL OF THE SUDDEN?!"

-.-

*sigh*

I SERIOUSLY WISH THAT LIFE WOULD TAKE THE EBB OUT OF ME.

GAHHHHHh~!!!

i don't know what to type anymore!!!

I WANT TO BE WITH HIM!!!!!!

hahah...

the other day i had like this weird dream where me and him went somewhere, just by ourselves and we had like a holiday together.

NO WORRIES, JUST US.

ahhh... how i wish it'd come true.

not so much the holiday but at least another date i mean.

(TT^TT)

shoutout: COME BACK!! IT'S SO EMPTY WITHOUT YOU!

only one. not you.

2009-08-09T22:41:00.005+08:00

woo~! it's sunday again.

i don't really feel like talking about what happened today coz NOTHING THAT'S OUT OF THE ORDINARY HAPPENED TODAY.

well the youth did celebrate the AUGUST BABIES' BIRTHDAY.

loved the cake man.

after church immediately went home coz i only slept for two hours the night before.

so yeah... basically that's it.

anyway there's no classes tomorrow so gonna be having some well-earned sleep today.

SUPER PSYCHED ABOUT WEDNESDAY.

somebody kept asking me what i wanted for my birthday.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ACTUALLY BUT EVENTUALLY ENDED UP GIVING IN.

i told the person i wanted teddies and guess what, 18 ROSES.

not sure though whether it'd be given to me so yeah...

KEEPING MY HOPES LOW.

so yeah...

haven't talked to him in awhile.

IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME OR EVEN BOTHER TO SHOW HIMSELF TO ME, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

i'm tired of always being the one who's trying to make it work.

I CAN'T ALWAYS MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM.

shoutout: YOUR TEARS AND MINE.

national day? doesn't concern me.

2009-08-08T20:08:00.007+08:00

CATCHING A FALLING STAR AND PUTTING IN MY POCKET.

this week has been super duper fun.

ALTHOUGH THE DAYS CAN BE QUITE CRAPPY, the moment i reach home, MY DAY BRIGHTENS UP.

i can't help but anticipate every phone call.

well yesterday was the celebration for national day in my school.

meaning it was also the cca awards ceremony in school.

and yay! I RECEIVED A DISTINCTION FOR MY CHOIR AND MERIT FOR MEDIA.

harharhar.

so afterwards went to meet yi zhong and grace at the art room.

then helped kevin with his art-thingy.

SO BLAH BLAH BLAH. FAST -FORWARDING.

then me, grace, nigel, and yu xian went to yi zhong's house to study.

seriously when i saw his house, I WAS FUCKING STUNNED.

IT WAS SERIOUSLY HUGE!

so went inside and studied.

WELL ACTUALLY THEY STUDIED. I JUST HELPED CLEAR THEIR DOUBTS ON CERTAIN SUBJECTS.

so yeah... was in yi zhong's house from 11- 5pm.

SUPER FUN MAN!

hahaha... then somewhere in between jordy and jeco came.

didn't see jeco the whole week so i wasn't really expecting to see him.

anyway yeah...

SAW YI ZHONG'S WHOLE HOUSE.

me: (to grace) eh you know, this is the type of house i've always dreamed of having when i get married.
grace: (nonchalantly) is that so? THEN MARRY YI ZHONG LAH~!!

then yi zhong was like "WHAT DOES TABALADA WANT FOR HER BIRTHDAY?"

then jordy, nigel, yu xian, and yi zhong kept calling me, "TABALADA!" or "JI MAN!" (coz my chinese name's ZHI MAN... they mixed it with jemimah..)

so at around 3++ my energy level slowly depleted coz it was sooooo cold and i was quite silent.

then yi zhong, grace and yu xian accompanied me to, what the heck, THE ROOFTOP GARDEN.

it was seriously so nice.

i actually wanted to jump but then they kept stopping me.

so i urged the three of them to go down coz i didn't want them to be so bored with me.

BUT THEY WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE COZ THEY WERE SCARED I'D ACTUALLY JUMP.

so went down to the living room again and almost fell asleep on the couch.

then eventually went home.

jeco: what are your cousins doing here?
me: oh they're celebrating my birthday with me.
jeco: (pause) oh? WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

was seriously friggin pissed.

like what the hell man.

shoutout: I KNOW WHO CARES FOR ME NOW.

no bluff?

2009-08-03T20:40:00.004+08:00

weee~~!!

well today was a rather fast day.

didn't see mr tan coz he was on course today.

SAD. lol.

well anyway still talking to yi zhong.

IT'S SERIOUSLY FUN TALKING TO HIM.

i know it's weird, him being my ex and all but hey, we're still friends.

so yeah.

went home with jeco today...

HE KEPT BULLYING ME...

lol...

so anyway this morning i was in the bus on the way to school then i thought to myself, "EH... WHAT DATE IS IT TODAY?"

then i saw that it was already the 3rd of august...

then there was this awkward pause.

"EH!!!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY NEXT WEEK!!!" was what flowed through my mind.

so yeah... pretty psyched about it.

then we had an assembly this morning too *after sooooo long* then we had an attire check afterwards.

WAS SUPER SCARED COZ I DIDN'T WEAR MY SCHOOL SOCKS.

i could only find half of the pair.

IT WOULD BE FUNNY IF I ONLY WORE ONE SOCK WITH THE SCHOOL LOGO IN IT.

note to self: buy new socks.

i'm hoping that this week would be pretty much ok.

i have a feeling that it may be a very fun week.

OK BACK TO EMOING!!!!

i'm confused and my heart is the same.

I'M STUCK IN BETWEEN MY PRESENT AND MY PAST.

shoutout: WILL YOU BE THE ONE WHO'LL CATCH MY TEARS WHEN IT'S OVER?

tomorrow's another day,

2009-08-02T19:09:00.003+08:00

wooo~~!!!

decided to update for absolutely no reason at all...

so what happened to me since yesterday?

well, right after blogging, i had a very very weird conversation with alot of people.

anyway at around 12 ++, i was talking to, you'll never guess it, YI ZHONG.

so we were talking on the phone from 12++ till 2 am.

hahaha...

WAS SERIOUSLY HAPPY TO BE IN TALKING TERMS WITH HIM AGAIN.

so yeah. as usual we were talking about the same old same old things ( school, teachers, friends all that shit)

then blah blah blah, decided to sleep already.

THEN THE ALARM RINGS TO WAKE ME UP TO A NEW DAY.

so hurried to bathe and get myself ready for church and yadda yadda.

went for communion and blah.

I DIDN'T REALLY GO OUT WITH THE YOUTH TODAY COZ HONESTLY, I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO BE AROUND THEIR HAPPINESS FOR A WHILE.

so upon making that decision, i went to the youth room to console myself in my own depression and shit.

then jem and joy were there jamming so i jammed with them too and then esther and ruth arrived.

WE WERE IN OUR OWN WORLD, OBLIVIOUS TO THE SURROUNDINGS.

so anyway, went to tita odie's to have lunch with them and finally went home.

AT HOME, didn't do much except my swearing at the bloody internet for being so fucking slow.

so yi zhong buzzed me again on msn then we talked on the phone.

we just ended our conversation actually.

IT WAS TRULY A FUN CONVO.

i was laughing like there was no tomorrow.

it was weird coz i never expected to have such a relaxing conversation with an ex.

anyway we talked about a lot of things.

MOST OF THEM BOOSTING MY EGO.

found out alot about us...

so yeah... we promised each other secrets that we cannot tell.

QUITE FUN ACTUALLY.

well WE DECIDED TO CONTINUE OUR CONVO TOMORROW OR LATER ON. (ep 3!)

shoutout: YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL.

11 days.

2009-08-01T23:37:00.003+08:00

well haven't been blogging alot lately...

some happenings about this week:

first off, mr ang told us about the merger between chai chee sec and bedok town sec.

i didn't really care at first coz i'm like, leaving this year.

but then i was reading stomp *stupid right?* then i saw these articles about CCSS and BTSS students slamming each other.

well i'm not really going to comment but i do hope that PEOPLE WOULD REALIZE THAT EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS ONE CCSS STUDENT WHO STARTED TRASH-TALKING BTSS, NOT ALL CCSS STUDENTS ARE LIKE THAT.

it's just that there's this handful of students from, maybe, both schools that tarnish the names of the school.

moving on, well i've been spending some quality time with sweets.

this week has just been so ecstatic...

except for friday...

MY BACK WAS ACHING LIKE FCUK.

...

i was going to blog something but it seems like the thought has flown away.

GAWD. I WANT TOP SO MUCH.

i feel like smooching him till he turns red.

LOL.

shoutout: IT'S NOT ALWAYS THIS WAY.

only you..

2009-07-27T17:47:00.002+08:00

FINALLY!! after so many trial and errors i've finally found a blogskin that i like!!!

lol!

well jeco just left my house a couple of minutes ago...

OF COURSE NOT BEFORE LEAVING ME WITH THE BEST BEST BEST KISS.

nyaha.

i'm so happy...

I THOUGHT HE WAS ANGRY AT ME TURNS OUT HE WASN'T.

today was probably the best day we've spent together.

hahaha...

i dunnoe why but when it comes to jeco, all my shyness seem to sprout.

it's like i always want to be good in his eyes.

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER FELT THIS WAY TOWARDS A GUY.

i'm seriously happy when i talk to him coz even though there's always those awkward pauses in between our conversations, we always found a way to make it less awkward.

plus, he always surprise me coz i really don't expect anything from him.

he's not the most romantic guy i know but he allows me to be as romantic, as cuddly, as clingy as i want with him...

HE'S ALL THAT I WANT AND MORE.

i'm content enough with him...

shoutout: LIPS LOCKED, HEARTS BECOME ONE.

sweets.

2009-07-24T16:16:00.007+08:00

WOW!!! it's been super long since i last blogged.

well finally got back all my results and i did quite ok considering that i never ever studied except for chem.

well today and yesterday are the most fun days i've had so far.

i went to a PESA competition yesterday and it was seriously fun.

OH YEAH!!! I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT EUGENE WAS A RELIEF TEACHER IN MY SCHOOL FOR THE WHOLE WEEK!!!

so cool.

anyway, so the competition ended at around 12 so me and ms hafizah went to cathay to get something to eat then just talked to her and finally went back to school.

BY THE TIME I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL, CHEMISTRY WAS ALMOST ENDING.

then i found out i had a-maths remedial for and hour so was pretty upset coz i wanted to go somewhere.

so blah blah blah...

anyway, after classes, i was walking with sam downstairs when i saw my sweets at the canteen

ME: HEY... HOW COME YOU'RE STILL HERE? WHO YOU WAITING FOR?

JECO: (gives me that face as if the answer was so obvious) HUH? YOU OF COURSE!!

so yeah... totally stunned coz that was the first time he waited for me without me saying so.

so was in a good mood home coz he sent me home *fluttering hearts*

it's been so long since i really spent some one-on-one time with him hence the smiles.

then he left my house after giving me a goodbye kiss* more fluttering hearts*

WAS SERIOUSLY IN A DAMN GOOD MOOD YESTERDAY... until my brother had to piss me off.

today didn't start off too well.

i woke up and i immediately knew my fever was back but just like the idiot i am, I STILL CHOSE TO GO TO SCHOOL.

funny thing was i was randomly hugging people then when they hug back and i tell them that i have a fever, THEY GIVE ME ALL THOSE SHOCKED FACES THAT WERE SERIOUSLY HI-LA-RI-OUS!

then went to holly's class coz i wanted to talk to her.

ME: (as loudly as possible) PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST! (to holly)

JECO: (turns back, sees me, puts down his bag and walks towards me)

ME: haha. NOT YOU!!!

super funny.

then me and danah went inside 4n3 classroom then i poked him and he pinched me for tickling him.

then i asked him if he wanted to go out after school then he said it's a date.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY~!

anyway the usual shit occurred afterwards.

so went to meet him at the canteen and i was pretty tired due to my fever.

POCH, TWEET, AND GRACE WERE LIKE, "GO HOME ALREADY!!! YOU HAVE A FEVER~!!!!!"

lol.

soon after, i was talking to yu xian, chuan sin, aron, peng siew, and nizam while he played soccer.

then he came blah blah blah....

so we left for tampines.

at the bus i was completely drained of energy, shivering from the cold aircon...

i can't really remember what happened except that i ended up falling asleep on jeco's shoulder while interlocking our hands.

i know i've said this a million times but I LOVE HIS WARMTH SOOOOO MUCH.

we arrived at tampines interchange so he woke me up then we walked around while still interlocked.

I CAN'T REALLY RECALL MUCH ANYMORE COZ I WAS ON CLOUD NINE THE WHOLE TIME.

so we had to go home and of course, he waited for the bus with me when benson arrived.
then the bus arrived and then it happened.

HE KISSED ME RIGHT IN FRONT OF BENSON!

was shocked coz normally he'd just kiss me on the cheek unless we're alone.

so yeahhh.

was so thrilled that i didn't feel as sluggish as i was in the morning until i arrived home.

hahaha.

SUPER COOL.

shoutout: THINGS CAN'T GET ANY SWEETER THAN THIS.

BINGU TOP!

2009-07-15T16:11:00.002+08:00

MY LIFE IS SERIOUSLY SPINNING OUT OF PROPORTIONS.

well two more papers left and it's the subjects that i LOATHE the most: AMATHS AND BIO.

*sigh*

I'VE BEEN SO MAD AT HIM FOR SO LONG YET HE STILL HAS NO IDEA.

*sigh*

i seriously don't know what i'm gonna do...

HONESTLY I'VE CHANGED BOYFRIENDS SO MANY TIMES THAT THERE'S THIS CERTAIN NUMBNESS IN MY HEART.

with all the guys before, i ALWAYS ALWAYS expected them to try their best to make me happy.

I ALWAYS EXPECTED THEM TO FULFILL MY DEMANDS.

but now... I JUST FEEL LIKE PROTECTING HIM.

i don't know what from though...

I WANT TO GIVE HIM HAPPINESS THAT I KNOW I CAN GIVE HIM.

though it may not seem like it, he's more mature than me.

HE KNOWS SO MUCH MORE THAN ME IN ASPECTS MORE THAN ONE.

it was probably stupid of me to think i can protect him when i can't even protect myself.

*sigh*

I WISH I HAD THE COURAGE TO TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS I WANT TO SAY.

ALL THE FRUSTATIONS BUNDLED UP IN ME.

I MAY SMILE MOST OF THE TIME BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT HURT BY YOU.

i've heard so many things.

shoutout: FEELING MYSELF SUFFOCATING.

can't do it.

2009-07-10T21:51:00.004+08:00

yay~!

finally found some time to blog.

well AS SOME MAY KNOW, NOW IS THE 2ND DAY OF OUR PRELIMS.

damn scared man...

*sigh*

this day quite crappy.

I COULDN'T STUDY MY SS COZ MY SS BOOK WAS WITH HIM.

I SERIOUSLY SUCKED AT MY MATHS P1.

AND TO TOP IT ALL OF, I EXPECTED HIM TO WAIT FOR ME AFTER SCHOOL BUT THEN HE DIDN'T.

i know it may not be a big thing to others but it's a big thing to me coz I WAIT 3 FREAKING HOURS JUST FOR HIM TO FINISH PLAYING SOCCER AND HE CAN'T EVEN WAIT 30 MINUTES FOR ME.

freaking tired already...

so went to orchard with nitipat, sammie and eric.

THANKS TO ERIC WHO TRIED HIS BEST TO CHEER ME UP.

then i got introduced to super nice noodles from takashimaya.

then julian and meylisa came then la la la...

quite a long story.

what we mostly did was sit in the i- store in cineleisure while meylisa, julian and amelia took photos.

then blahhhh.

went near the arcade there then sat down and took photos with nitipat!!!

ok fine i edited it. LOL~!

FOR FUN ONLY!!!

LOL...

so eric and nitipat sent me home then la la la..

i'm back to being all emo and shit again.

*sigh*

I ONLY HAVE A FEW MINUTES WITH YOU EVERYDAY AND YET YOU STILL DON'T WANT TO SPEND IT WITH ME.

shoutout: WAKE ME UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE.

random shit.

2009-07-09T19:55:00.004+08:00

OK!!! RANDOM TEST ERN TAGGED ME TO DO.

1) Who was the last person you texted ?
- nobody. PHONE NO CREDIT.

2) Who was the first person texted you today ?
- NOBODY LARH!

3) Who was the last person you just met ?
- dunnoe leh. JECO.

4) Would you consider yourself spoiled ?
- at times.

5) What time did you go to bed last night ?
- can't remember.

6) Have you ever had a best friend who is opposite sex ?
- sure. STILL DO.

7) Do you want someone dead ?
- nahhh. LATER GUANAN CALL ME MORBID AGAIN.

8) What are you thinking right now ?
-SHOULD I STUDY FOR MY PRELIMS THOUGH I KNOW I'M GOING TO FAIL?

9) Who was the last person you took picture with ?
- can't recall. been very long.

10) Do you wish someone was with you right now ?
- ...YEAH.

11) Who are you talking to right now ?
- nobody.

12) What does the last message says ?
- message where?

13) Is someone in your mind ?
- ... yeah.

14) Who is complaining to you right now ?
- nobody... everybody's happy right now.

15) 10 people tagged to do quiz .
1. Holly
2. Ern
3. JECO
4. Eric
5. Grace
6. Setho
7. Nyamo
8. Poch
9. Benson
10. Buncha

16) When was the last time you chatted with 3 ?
- this afternoon.

17) What if 5 & 10 quarrel ?
- lol~! cannot lah. too chummy.

18) Who is 1 having a relationship with ?
- nobodyyyyy.

19) Is 9 fierce ?
- when it comes to Jarah he might be.

20) Is 3 & 4 studying in the same school ?
- YEAH. but 4 hates 3.

21) Who is 2 to you ?
- MY ERNNIE WERNNIE.

22) How did you know 10 ?
- DAUGHTER!!

23) When did you last talk with 6 & 8 ?
6: last sunday
8: this afternoon.

24) Are you close with 7 ?
-sure!!!

25) How long have you known 1 ?
- 3 years!

26) What if 5 & 7 fight ?
- they dunnoe each other.

27) How long have you since known 9 ?
- since sec 1.

28) Say something about number 2 .
- heartbroken. :(((

29) Is 4 trustworthy ?
- in some aspects.

30) Who is 1 to you ?
- my ex wifey!! AND BIG BAHT NUMBER 2!!

31) Do you argue with 7 every time ?
- oh no.. we've never argued.

32) How well do you know 5 ?
- inside out.

33) Do you know things about 1 ?
- ALOT ALOT ALOT!

34) Is 2 & 9 classmates ?
- no. 9 is older.

35) What if 4 & 10 fight ?
-HAHAHAHA!!! THEY ARGUE EVERYDAY!!

and so, i'm done.

condescending.

2009-07-07T17:26:00.002+08:00

well it's tuesday again...

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS MONDAY. bullshit.

nothing much happened today.

just went to school, disturbed nitipat and eric, then blah blah blah usual shit.

talking to lex now on YM. woo~!

HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM IN 3 YEARS.

not really in the mood to blog at the moment.

shoutout: BECOMING LESS SANE EVERY MINUTE.

blabetty- blah.

2009-07-05T21:12:00.002+08:00

wooo...

currently watching Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.

weeee~

well it's currently just my mom, me and ben here at home.

my brother went to sleepover at jia le's house together with christian.

well, setho, asyraf, fabian, terence and christian came over to play some stuff today.

quite fun quite fun...

well tomorrow's a school holiday coz YOUTH DAY.

blah... wish i could spend the day with him...

but i'm not too sure anymore.

shoutout: STOP USING ME FOR YOUR OWN PLEASURE.

Bullshit blogging. . .

2009-07-03T15:12:00.001+08:00

Currently in school and using eric's phone to blog. . .
Fucked up. . .
Nothing to do go school. . .
I was waiting for Him to finish playing soccer but now i'm not too sure what i'm doing also. . .
Shaun and the gang just left so yeah. . Nobody to talk to already. . .
Like wtf sia. . .
Psp more important than me. . .
Bullshit. . .
Well update again later when i get home. .
Hopefully i can blog about something nice and worth reading. . .

la la la. suck.

2009-07-01T19:55:00.001+08:00

MY NEW BLOGSKIN REALLY SUCKS.

i'm going to keep it this way for a few days until i find the RIGHT BLOGSKIN!!

bear with me ok?!

process of fixing.

2009-06-28T22:26:00.001+08:00

IN THE PROCESS OF FIXING MY BLOG!!!!

yeah i know it looks crappy.

SHUDDUP!

sing to me the song of the stars.

2009-06-28T20:55:00.003+08:00

IT'S ANOTHER WEEK OF NOT UPDATING AGAIN!!

gahhhh....

well tomorrow's the start of the new semester again.

GOOD THING: I GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
BAD THING: ... well i'm still too psyched on the good reason that i can't really think of anything else yet.

anyway nothing much happened this week.

basically i was recovering from my loss of voice.

GRACE CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE!!! wehehehe. last tuesday.

nyaha.

well after that i can't really remember anything...

my family and ben went to pasir ris park for some picnic thing yesterday.

quite fun actually.

TRUTHFULLY, I'D RATHER SIT IN A PARK THAN GO SHOPPING.

so yeah, we stayed there until 10++ then went home.

so SUNDAY! went to church blah blah same old shit.

so yeah...

kinda relaxing now, thinking about how will tomorrow go.

well tomorrow's our second month *yay* and also, as grace and zhi han knows, OUR DUE DATE.

so hoping his decision would be the good side and not the one that i'm rather dreading.

*sigh*

well, no point getting depressed over the simplest of things.

i already know this day would come.

just didn't expect it to arrive so fast.

*sigh* well i'm keeping my fingers crossed that i would be wrong.

shoutout: IS TRUE LOVE REALLY ONCE IN A LIFETIME?

youth camp camp camp camp!!!

2009-06-23T10:57:00.002+08:00

OK YAY!!! I'M UPDATING AGAIN!!

just got back from youth camp!!!!

woooohoooo~!

so fun!!!

TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO COPE PICS PLEASE GO TO MY FB!

was seriously fun man.

i lost my voice from laughing too hard.

ok!! i was in the PA JIAO GROUP!!!

PA JIAO GROUP consists of me, shi pei, jia le, setho, nick ho, justin yeo and michelle lim.

WE ROCKED MAN!!!

anyway on the first night right,we went to bugis and watched GHOST OF GIRLFRIEND'S PAST.

then we walked all the way from KALLANG TO EAST COAST PARK!!!

super fun coz we were all so shagged coz it was like 2++ am already...

almost lost my temper to michelle lim coz she was soooooooo irritating. she kept talking nonesense and kept asking the obvious.

THANKS TO JIA LE, NICK HO, AND SHI PEI FOR HELPING ME KEEP MY COOL.

anyway had a nice sleep and woke up to jervis' chatter.

then played BETRAYAL ON THE HOUSE ON THE HILL (we played this during good friday)

so as always, played it with setho, NYAMO (grace's new name), and fabian

AND AS ALWAYS, I BECAME THE TRAITOR.

the good thing was i managed to kill fabian. *commence evil laughter*

bad thing was setho and grace managed to escape.

IT'S SO UNFAIR COZ WHEN THEY ALL PLAYED IT WITHOUT ME AND FABIAN BECAME TO TRAITOR, HE WAS ABLE TO WIN IN A MATTER OF 5 MINUTES.

wtheck man, WTHECK!!!

OH YEAH!!! WE HAVE A NEW FOOSBALL TABLE IN OUR YOUTH ROOM!! yay.

so yeah, setho and asyraf decided to play twister and it was so funny.

THEN CHRISTIAN, MY BROTHER, AND TIM CHU DECIDED TO FOLLOW UP AND IT WAS HILARIOUS.

i seriously couldn't stop laughing and grace was like, "SHUDDUP JEM!!! YOUR LAUGHTER IS SO CONTAGIOUS!!"

so yeah. lost my voice.

then blah blah.

everybody was sleeping except for me and christian.

WE WERE LAUGHING UNTIL 5 IN THE MORNING!!!

so we decided to sleep since we still had church later on.

SO SUNDAY!!!

we didn't have our usual youth blah.

instead we had an A.A.R. (after action report)

then kenneth showed us this slideshow with all our photos

AND THERE WAS A PHOTO OF ME LAUGHING SO HARD IN THE TWISTER GAME!!!

it even had a circle and there was a caption saying, "WHAT THE...?"

so yeah... took some photos then went home and slept!!!

weeeeeeeeeeeeee~!

so yeah. pretty fun actually.

shoutout: G4C ROCKS!

bullshit life.

2009-06-17T22:22:00.001+08:00

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT LIFE COULDN'T GET EVEN MORE FUCKED UP.

my dad emailed my mom and told her some things that really irritates me.

TO SUM IT ALL, MY BROTHER AND I ARE LEAVING SINGAPORE AT THE END OF THE YEAR.

so damn fucked up.

i called sweetheart and tried my best not to cry to him...

so unhappy.

but thanks to ERN, ERIC, ALFIE, ANA *friend from Phils* AND MY SWEETHEART, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

thanks guys.

shoutout: YOU MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE.

aigooooo

2009-06-16T20:05:00.003+08:00

bleh.... nothing better to do.

THINGS I WANT TO DO AFTER I TURN 18!! meaning, AFTER MY O'S!!

- go to zouk. OR GO BAR-HOPPING.

- move out.

- go to malaysia with some friends for a period of time!!!!! FUN FUN FUN!!

- go backpacking in thailand.

- MOVE OUT.

- go to sentosa and drown there.

- hhhmmmm. MAKE OUT WITH MY SWEETHEART IN EVERY CORNER OF SINGAPORE.

yup. that's probably it.

AS IF IT'D REALLY COME TRUE.

blah...

2009-06-16T10:56:00.001+08:00

well just woke up!!

seriously on a high.

saturday didn't do much.

sunday found out that more than half of the youth went for shi pei's dance thingy in hwachong.

i know i was the one who said i didn't want to go, BUT FOR SOME REASON I FEEL LIKE I'M LEFT BEHIND.

monday, cleaned the house, cooked then went to tampines interchange with my brother to meet my sweetheart.

then the three of us went to sports complex to go swimming.

I HAVEN'T SWAM IN 2 YEARS SO WAS PRETTY PUMPED.

what i basically did was drown and hang on to jeco most of the time.

IT'S CUTE TO KNOW THAT MY BROTHER AND HIM GET ALONG FINE.

yup it was fun.

well the two of just basically wouldn't let go of each other the whole time.

then he started staring at those bikini girls then i didn't talk to him.

then blah he went to my house for lunch then left to meet jordy in century square.

so after GOD-KNOWS-HOW-LONG days since i've seen my sweetheart, i managed to spend 4 hours with him...

*sigh*

shoutout: I'M BEING LEFT BEHIND AGAIN.

90 truths

2009-06-16T10:06:00.002+08:00

SOME RANDOM QUIZ ERIC TAGGED ME TO DO.

1) Besides lips , where is your favourite spot to get kissed ?
-Neck.

2) How do you feel when you woke up this morning ?
-Shagged.

3) Who was the last person you talked to ?
-can't remember. my mom.

4) Would you consider yourself spoiled ?
-more or less

5) Would you donate blood ?
-SURE.

6) Have you ever had a best friend who is the opposite sex ?
-yup. still have.

7) Do you want someone dead ?
-dead is such a strong word. MORE LIKELY KILLED.

8) What does the last message in your phone say ?
-"Luv u..."

9) What are you thinking about right now ?
-breakfast.

10) Do you wish someone was with you right now ?
-yeah.

11) What time did you go to bed last night ?
- quite early... 11++

13) Is someone in your mind ?
-YEAH.

14) Who was the last person you texted ?
- mrs pereira.

15) 10 people tagged to do quiz .
1. Eric
2. Buncha
3. Ern
4. Heni
5. Grace
6. Setho
7. Hollie
8. Shanice
9. Grace Yong
10. Eugene

16) Who is 2 having relationship with ?
- Nobody. she's flirting with chuan sin.

17) Is 3 male or female ?
- last time i checked ERN WAS MALE.

18) If 7 & 6 get together , would it be a good thing ?
- sure but they don't know each other.

19) What is 1 studying?
- dunnoe.

20) When was the last time you chat with 5 ?
- before the school holidays.

21) Is 4 single ?
- i think so.

22) Say something about 2 ?
- CUTE!!! ADORABLE!! interesting to talk to.

23) What do you think of 3 & 6 being together ?
- HAHAHAHAHAH!!! gay much.

24) What do you think if 6 & 7 fight ?
- they don't know each other.

25) Do you like 3 ?
- sure. like a little brother.

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage:
- water

2. Last phone call:
- my sweetheart

3. Last text message:
- "Luv u..."

4. Last song you listened to:
- Amigo by SHINee

5. Last time you cried:
- last night.

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice:
- sure.

7. Been cheated on:
- yep.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it:
- nope.

9. Lost someone special:
- sure.

10. Been depressed:
- i'm depressed everyday.

11. Been drunk and threw up:
- nah.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. black
13. red
14. blue

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)

15. Made a new friend:
- sure. THE ESSS GANG.

16. Laughed until you cried:
- i do that every single day.

17. Met someone who changed you:
- i think so.

18. Found out who your true friends were:
- yup.

19. Found out someone was talking about you:
- yeah.

20. How many kids do you want to have:
- 3 kids.

21. Do you have any pets:
- 2 turtles

.22. Do you want to change your name:
- nah. it's cool at times.

23. What did you do for your last birthday?
- depressed.

24. What time did you wake up today?
- 9 ++

25. What were you doing at midnight last night?
- sleeping.

26. Name something you CANNOT wait for:
- O'LEVELS and THE 29TH OF EACH MONTH.

27. Last time you saw your Mother:
- last night

28. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life:
- my height.

29. What are you listening to right now:
- nothing. it's dead quiet.

30. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom:
- nooo.

31. What's getting on your nerves right now:
- this freaking cold.

32. Most visited webpage:
- facebook. blog.

33. Whats your real name:
- Jemimah Ira Bulseco Tabalada (english) Yao Zhi Man (chinese)

34. Nicknames:
- Jem, Jemi, ManMan, Butter

35. Relationship Status:
- Attached

36. Zodiac sign?:
- Leo

37. Male or female?:
- FEMALE

38. Elementary school?:
- i moved alot so i have a lot of elementary schools

39. Middle School?:
- International Christian Academy School and Woodridge College

40. High school/college?:
- Woodridge College

41. Hair colour:
- Dark brown

42. Long or short:
- Long

43. What do you like about yourself?:
- i can punch really hard XD

44. Piercings:
- 3

45. Tattoos:
- Bo. but i want.

46. Righty or lefty:
- righty

FIRSTS :

47. First surgery:
- BO.

48. First piercing:
- ear piercings. can't remember when.

49. First best friend(s):
- Donna Camille Dayandante

50. First sport you joined:
- Basketball

51. First vacation:
- can't remember

52. First pair of trainers:
- can't remember

RIGHT NOW

53. Eating:
- nothing

54. Drinking:
- nothing

55. I'm about to:
- faint from hunger

56. Listening to:
- cars passing by

57. Waiting on:
- the world to change

YOUR FUTURE :

58. Want kids?:
- sure

59. Get Married?:
- sure

60. Career?:
- lawyer?

Which is Better ? :

61. Lips or eyes:
- both

62. Hugs or kisses:
- kisses

63. Shorter or taller:
- taller

64. Older or Younger:
- older *not too old*

65. Romantic or spontaneous:
- spontaneous

66. Nice stomach or nice arms:
- nice arms

67. Sensitive or loud:
- loud

68. Hook-up or relationship:
- relationship

69. Trouble maker or hesitant:
- troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER :

70. Kissed a stranger:
- no

71. Drank hard liquor:
-no

72. Lost glasses/contacts:
- yeah

73. Sex on first date:
- no

74. Broke someone's heart:
- i think so.

75. Been arrested:
- nah

76. Turned someone down:-
- yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. Yourself:
- not so.

78. Miracles:
- nope

79. Love at first sight:
- sure

80. Heaven:
- yup

81. Santa Claus:
- definitely not

82. Angels:
- sure

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

83. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time:
- no

84. Did you sing today?:
- no

85. Ever cheated on somebody?:
- no

86. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?:
- before i was born

87. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?:
- December 3

88. Are you afraid of falling in love?:
- no. i'm in love aren't i?

89. Posting this as 90 truths?:
- sure

90. Love yourself?:
- not so.

never there when i need you.

2009-06-14T17:48:00.002+08:00

STUCK IN THE SAME PACE WHILE EVERYBODY MOVES IN FAST FORWARD MOTION.

i hate the way we make plans yet i'm the only one who seems to keep them in mind.

i hate the way you make me feel so happy over something just to eventually kill that happiness.

i hate they way i seem to be the only one who's feeling the loneliness from being apart.

THANK YOU FOR WAKING ME UP FROM THIS FAIRYTALE-LIKE DREAM I LET MYSELF LIVE IN.

thanks to you, I'M SUCCUMBING TO THE HOLLOWNESS AGAIN.

shoutout: WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU THE MOST?

dying slowly.

2009-06-13T19:11:00.002+08:00

I AM SLOWLY DECAYING INTO THE NOTHINGNESS OF MY HEART.

it's been 10 days since i last saw my sweetheart....

FREAKING UNHAPPY.

as if to add salt to my wound, he can't contact me coz he never paid his phone bill so communication is NADA.

sure he called once. ONCE.

i want to see him again.

*sigh*

shoutout: YOU MADE ME BELIEVE THAT I WAS ONLY WORTH WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT ME TO BE.