*sigh* This past two weeks has truly sucked. Even my own hamster refuses my presence. LIKE WHAT THE HELL!! If even animals don't like me then I'm at the lowest of the low. I swear I have been sick over and over again. I'm doing stuff I used to before every single day.

I can actually tell you how it feels like to smile on the outside and fall apart inside. I call it my business smile. I haven't eaten properly in days, I haven't slept properly in weeks. I'm always so angry all the time. I feel like just ending it all now.

I'm not strong enough anymore. Too many things have happened over the past two weeks. I can't take it all. I know I should rise up from all these shit and fuck ups but I can't. I can't find a reason to rise up, a purpose, a goal. I'm weak, I'm nothing.

Yesterday was the lowest point I've had so far. Long story short, I screwed up and now I'm nothing more than a mistake to my mom. Big whoop. What's new? *sigh*

I really hope I can cheer myself up soon. It's so depressing to keep posting such depressing posts. *BIG sigh*

Come on, karma do your job! I've done alot of bad things in my life that's enough to wipe off the face of the planet!

I've had to say goodbye a lot of times before. Some easier than others. This goodbye is probably the hardest, and most painful of them all. You may be reading this, maybe you're not. Either way, I just wanted to be finally truthful about how I've been feeling this week.

My week has been hell. Everywhere I go, I think of you. Everything I touch, you come to mind. Every song I hear, reminds me of you. It hurts. It really really hurts. I wish I could pretend that everything was just a dream but just as I'm about to start believing myself, reality pulls be back again.

I curse the star that made my wish come true and took it back again.

Do you know what I do every night for the past week? I cry myself to sleep thinking of what has been and what could've been. I wish I was angry at you but I just can't be. How could I? You did nothing wrong. These past few days I've done nothing but blame myself for everything yet the pain still won't go away. What can I do to make things right? What did I do wrong?

I wanted to tell you the other day that I thought she was lucky, she was lucky because she had your love, your sincerity, she had you. I, on the other hand, have nothing but myself. There has never been a time that I never wished I was her. I feel like I'm going to crawl into a ball anytime because I clutch myself when I cry since I don't have anybody else to cry to.

What if you never said okay? What if we just stayed like we were before? What if. . Maybe I won't have this empty feeling inside of me, maybe I wouldn't be thinking of ending my life, maybe I won't even be doing things to end my life, maybe I wouldn't feel so suffocated at home with all your memories, maybe I wouldn't be going to school and smiling so hard just to stop myself from crying. It's a lot of maybes and what ifs.

I wish I can get over you just as fast as you got over me.

If I died maybe things will be easier for you.

In a weird, twisted way, I somehow was able to pull through and finish one of my reports for MatNPro. 1 left!!! PUSH ON!!

Watching people walk about the airport is rather fascinating in a weird way. As I've mentioned, it's only 4 am and there's a number of people here already to check in to their flights. My legs are cramping up, I'm feeling so damn cold, my teeth are aching, but I still have the energy to try to finish my HCD report. The problem is whether I'd actually be able to concentrate enough to do it.

Currently listening to songs in Youtube. Current video playing: Always- Bon Jovi. *squeal* BON JOVI MAKES MY HEART MELT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Next song: ONE OF US- GLEE VERSION. This song is freaking awesome.

What if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us?

Just like a stranger on a bus,

Trying to make His way home?

I always knew that someday all these will end. By not saying anything, you've explained everything in the clearest way possible. Let's just continue this facade. I prefer to fool myself entirely. Go figure.

I am seriously freaking cold. No joke. I am shaking like hell.

There's been alot of things in my mind lately. No matter how much I try to think about those particular stuff, I just become more depressed. *sigh* Well, what's the point of complaining here? Everybody will just think I'm trying to get somebody else's sympathy.

*sigh* My days has been rather hectic with MatNPro (Materials and Processes) presentation (assignment 1) preparation. I was in the same group as Jarron, Hantong and Mairah. It was errrr, an rather unforgettable experience I guess. Today (meaning Friday), was supposed to be our presentation day. But since most of the other groups came late, our lecturer had his PMS moment and stomped out of the class 30 mins after it started. It was rather understandable that he'd be pissed off but still. ALL THAT HARD WORK FOR NOTHING.

Now at T1 Ruyi actually. It's now 24 hours and thankfully, Robin's the one in charge so I can slack here for as long as I want. I'm here and I seriously cannot get my brain to function. JUST TYPE SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE JEM!!!! OMGRAWR!

Realized alot of things this week: relationship-wise, school-wise, all that she-bang. Everything is seriously becoming so screwed up. Unfortunately I'm losing my mind bit by bit already. I'm doing what I've been doing before all over again. That pain, that sense of numbness, it's all coming back to me. *sigh* I don't know whether it's because I'm tired but I'm feeling rather emotional at the moment. Screw this shit. Just shoot me and everything will all be over in an instant.